Truth Be Told

Lying is a tricky issue for parents. We tend to give our children black and white messages about it, but it is anything but black and white.  We tell kids that lying is wrong–that no one will trust them if they don’t tell the truth, and that “honesty is the best policy.” But we don’t always practice this ourselves.

It may be more helpful to think of lying on a continuum with the truth at one end, and hurtful and damaging lies on the other. In between there is:

-exaggeration,
-white lies to protect feelings,
-white lies to avoid getting into trouble,
-as well as other arguably morally justified lies.

As parents, it is important to examine our own behavior in order to fully understand our childrens’. Do we always practice the truth? Do we tell our kids to say they’re only ten-years-old so we can pay less for movie tickets? Do they hear us using lies to get out of commitments we don’t wish to keep? Do they see us lie to avoid offending someone or to avoid conflict?

We must consider this when we look at the big picture beyond our child’s lying.

Why do kids lie?
Many reasons–to avoid getting into trouble, beef up their image, get revenge, avoid feeling anxious, fit in with the cool kids. Remember that all kids tell stories or lie occasionally. It’s when this behavior becomes a consistent pattern or coping style that parents should worry. If lying occurs in all areas of your child’s life and you hear about it from multiple sources, there could be a problem.

What to do?
First, remember that children get just as upset if you don’t believe their lies as if you don’t believe their truths. The experience of someone not believing them can be so upsetting it can override any desire to tell the truth and cause them to get “stuck.” How we react to our child’s lying can determine whether the behavior improves or becomes a bigger problem. Getting angry, threatening or shaming the child can and most often does cause the child to shut down communication, making the child defensive and committed to telling a lie better next time.

Practice the truth and model it whenever possible. If you have to tell a white lie for situational or ethical reasons, discuss your decision with your child, and take responsibility. This is a complicated issue–we can’t always assume children will sort it out on their own. They need our guidance.

Remember to use empathy and understanding. Hear what your child has to say first, without commenting, guiding, reprimanding, or teaching–that  will come later in the conversation. Hear what they say and without sarcasm or judgment and reflect it back to them to create safety in the conversation. (If this feels like the very opposite of what you’ve been taught to do by parenting books, it is because I’m teaching you the same techniques a therapist would use. You essentially become your child’s therapist –  this is the very reason that the Connected Parenting methods work so well.)

The child will then hear how their story sounds without feeling defensive and will often, on their own, adjust the story to and tell the truth. When she does, praise her for telling the truth. This is where you can discuss lying being a problem decide what to do about it. This is where you correct, guide and consequence, if necessary. Make sure she understands that the consequences would be worse it the truth was not told. If she remembers the experience as relatively positive she’ll be more likely to tell you the truth next time. This should create the right environment for a close and truthful relationship with your child or teen.

What if they still stick to their lie?
Give them time. Tell them you love them, that they are a good person, but you are having trouble believing them. Then tell them you they need to think about things and that you will talk about it later. Give them time to make the right decision. Sometimes when people feel cornered, they can’t think clearly and will get very stuck even if they want to do the right thing. Even if the truth never comes out, they will likely remember how this conversation felt and will be more likely to tell the truth the next time.

It might be helpful to think back to how you would feel if you got caught in a lie and someone shamed you. It would be very hard to admit the truth. And if that conversation left you feeling humiliated–or hurt you–you would leave the conversation feeling angry, rather than sorry. Not the reaction we want from our children. Remember children and teens remember not what you said in the conversation but how you made them feel.

Make them feel like telling the truth.

"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones."
—Gabor Maté, M.D.

"A must read for parents, educators, and any other adults who want to connect in a deeply caring and positive way with the children in their lives."
—Barbara Coloroso