Teaching Your Child to be Gentle with Siblings

kolari-crop-thumb-60x66-1733[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

One issue moms often talk to me about is how strongly they react when their older child hurts, or is rough with, the baby. This is really common, especially if the older child is under five. Young kids are often rough with their little siblings–sometimes it is intended and behavioral, and sometimes it’s just because they get really excited and can’t control those big feelings.

Either way, it can make your protective instincts take over and your response can be more intense than you meant it to be.

Safety is important and older siblings must learn to be gentle with baby siblings, but sometimes “blowing up” can lead to more of the very behaviors that made you upset in the first place. They can add to any feelings the older child may have of feeling less important or less loved than the baby. This is not rational, young kids don’t reflect on their behaviors, they just focus on how they feel.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Remember to try and stay neutral, which is very hard, I know. You can be serious and firm, but if you “fly off the handle,” it won’t help.

2. Sit down with your older child every day for some connecting play with her alone. She may even want you to baby her and give her the same kind of attention the baby gets. This is fine and she will not regress permanently. In fact, it can be tremendously helpful and strengthening for your older child.

Pull out baby pictures, her favorite toys or little outfits she wore when she was younger and tell her lots of stories about when she was a baby. This alone may decrease her negative feelings or behaviors regarding the baby.

3. Talk to your older child in a calm moment about the importance of being careful and gentle with the baby and let her know that there will be consequences if she chooses to be rough.

What I like to suggest is an interruption. It’s not a traditional time-out, instead, she is asked to go somewhere else to think for a few minutes and can come back when she is ready to comply. You don’t have to lecture or discuss it when the interruption is over, just welcome her back and repeat the routine until the behavior stops. If you are calm and consistent, it will work.

4. Help your older child make good choices by offering alternate ways to interact with the baby and let her know when you notice her trying to be appropriate. Remember too, that the baby is not made of glass. Babies are pretty tough and, within reason, being squeezed and picked up by siblings is part of living in a family.

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Please remember that the advice given on this blog is not meant to replace medical advice or the direct advice of a mental health care professional.
"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones."
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