When Kids Play Favourites
A recent essay by “Neanderdad” on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode explores what happens when a child favours one parent over the other. In Neanderdad’s case, his daughter suddenly insisted that Mommy do bedtime duty, even though it was the household practice to alternate nights and it wasn’t Mommy’s turn. Neanderdad describes his hurt feelings at this inexplicable turn of events and his uncertainty about what to do. While most parents have faced this problem at one time or another, it can be tricky to deal with.
Jennifer Kolari directly addresses the problem in Chapter 13 of the Connected Parenting book. She recommends that parents use her mirroring technique to avoid being defensive and escalating the situation. Kolari advises parents in Neanderdad’s position to say:
“I know you love your mommy. I understand why you want your mommy. Of course you want her: she’s wonderful.”
Kolari explains that this kind of statement “makes you an ally rather than an opponent, and more often than not, at that point the child will simply stop asking for Mommy.”
In Neanderdad’s case, he and his wife decide not to make a big deal about their daughter’s strongly stated preference and to switch nights. When Neanderdad gets ready to leave his daughter’s bedroom, she resists, begging him to stay after all. Because he doesn’t become defensive, the situation doesn’t escalate. In his Neanderdad-ish way, he shows his daughter that he understands that she loves her mommy and lets her know that he won’t get between them.
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Posted On: Nov 20th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
[...] Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner. You may also want to read our related post: When Kids Play Favourites. [...]
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