Connecting with Your Sweetheart

kolari thumbnailHere’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.

I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.

So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!

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Please remember that the advice given on this blog is not meant to replace medical advice or the direct advice of a mental health care professional.
"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones."
—Gabor Maté, M.D.

"A must read for parents, educators, and any other adults who want to connect in a deeply caring and positive way with the children in their lives."
—Barbara Coloroso