Mirroring Monday – “It’s Boring” Edition
Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).
This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Rebecca Lindsay. Enjoy!
My Connected Parenting partner Kelly Parisa and I run an after school social skills group for children in Kindergarten through Grade 2. One afternoon (our third class), one of our boys arrived with his arms crossed determined not to come in. He was escorted to our room by his teacher who warned me, “He really doesn’t want to be here today. Good luck!”
My first reaction (thankfully I didn’t act on it) was… really? Why would he not want to come? We talk… We share… We read… We play games… We do art… This class is great! How could he possibly not want to come? However, instead of being defensive and then trying to convince him that he was going to have a good time, I left Kelly with the group, went over to him, plunked myself down with him at the door and mirrored… It went something like this…
“This is the last place you want to be right now!”
“Ya… I don’t even want to come in. It’s boring!”
“So, here you are thinking that this class is going to be so fun, and you’ve been here for 2 weeks and it has been boring.”
“Yep. All we ever do is talk.”
“Well that’s no fun. You’ve come here thinking that we’re going to do fun things and all we do is talk and that’s not fun for you.” His arms unfold and he begins to come into the room peering around the corner to see what the rest of the group is doing.
“No. It’s never fun.”
“Sitting around and talking is so not fun and having fun is important to you, especially after a long day of school.”
Taking a step into the class and leaning into me, He said, “Ya. But, we did read a book last week.”
“And that was a little bit fun, but still too much talking.”
“Ya… and we colored…”
By this time, he was only half paying attention to me and was walking away from me toward the group. He turned around while he was halfway there and said over his shoulder, “Well, today is going to be my last day…”
Escalation avoided… He returned the following week without incident.
Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.
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Posted On: Mar 2nd, 2010 at 10:58 am
This is a great story. I find it so hard as a parent to have the patience and empathy to mirror when my kids are being SO annoying! I’m too busy being SO annoyed that I forget to address their emotional state – I forget to meet them where they are.
My problem right now is with my 6-year-old, who seems to wallow in negativity. She “hates” school, everything is “boring”, and she would rather yell than talk. (Part of the problem is that she’s overscheduled right now.) I get defensive and frustrated and I push back when I should mirror. Mirroring certainly requires having plenty of emotional reserves – I can’t do it unless I’m relaxed and happy myself.
Sorry, this comment is kind of vague and unfocused! Perhaps I should write a post of my own about mirroring and my daughter’s mood these days.
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Posted On: Mar 5th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Amy, thank you for your post!
Understandably, sometimes mirroring feels like the last thing parents want to do. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself to do it despite how many times I’ve done it with success and how well I know it works. And, it was a conscious choice for me to mirror when my student walked into my classroom that Monday afternoon. The truth is though, it takes just as much energy, if not more to be annoyed and it usually feels terrible after. So, why not spend the time and energy mirroring?… Not only does it really work, but it feels a whole lot better not only for the child but for the parent (or in this case teacher) as well!
Mirroring really is such a beautiful philosophy. Try mirroring as much as you can when you are not annoyed… Mirror small moments as often as possible. This will help mirroring become part of your repertoire and will feel much less like work and will eventually happen quite naturally even when you least feel like doing it! It definitely takes practice and patience but I promise you, it is well worth it!
Remember too, you don’t need to spend hours mirroring… Making two to three mirroring statements and then moving on is very powerful!
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