Being the Parent of “That Kid”

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

It’s not easy being the mother of “that kid.” Being the parent of the child who whacks other kids in the playground can mean constant worry and heartbreak. Being the mother of “that kid” means holding your breath during playgroups and hoping your child doesn’t push or pinch an unsuspecting child–and apologizing profusely when he does.

Before you know it, you become known as the mother of “that kid.” You know other mothers are saying things like “Oh, that kid, I don’t want that kid playing at my house,” or “I don’t want my son playing with that kid.” Sometimes other mothers stop seeing your child and see only a “bad kid.” They forget he is little person, with feelings, that he is young and he is struggling. (If we’re honest, we have all thought this way about certain kids and often sit in detached judgment, blaming the parents.)

As a family therapist, I work with the parents of “those kids” all the time and so often see parents who are trying everything to help their children to behave. I see their frustration, fear and tears. These parents love their children deeply and it is so painful to know the rest of the world does not feel the same way. They are often doing everything they can, removing their child from the situation, trying rewards and consequences.

Many moms cry themselves to sleep with worry, guilt and shame, wondering why their child can’t be like the other children. Many of these parents have other children who are not like this at all, which adds to the bewilderment. I work with so many moms who tell me when they walk into school they can barely stand it because they know all the other moms are looking at them and talking about their child.

So if you are the mother of a kid like that, it’s best to be open and honest. Let the other mothers know you are aware of the problem and that you’re working on the issues. Keep play dates and play situations short and sweet and keep a close eye on your child without hovering. If your child does hurt another child, give them a time out or leave the park or play date and have your child draw a picture for the other child. If your child was rude to the other parent, have them write a note or draw a picture for that parent, as a way of saying sorry it can go a long way.

If you can help the other parents to see your child as a child who is trying and struggling and not as an aggressor, this can really help. You just have to try to keep your chin up and get through it. Eventually when the behaviour changes, the kids figure it out–and so do the moms.

"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones."
—Gabor Maté, M.D.

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