Car Trips: Plugged In But Not Connected

[Originally posted in June, 2009]

Remember the good old days when family car trips meant fighting and yelling? Where the back seat was full of “are we there yets?” and “he’s staring at me’s”? Traveling was sometimes a little frenzied but along with the squabbles came joy, laughter, singing, car games, and people actually seeing things out the window.

Nowadays our kids prepare to travel by hauling electronic devices. Nearly every member of the family is plugged into some sort of entertainment. On our last family car trip, I drove along the highway in silence. Not a sound, complaint, or argument arose from the seats behind me. We even went through a drive-thu–ordered, paid and received food, without anyone noticing. As I drove,  I looked over at my husband reading his emails, my 15-year-old son on his Itouch, my 13-year-old daughter texting wildly, and my 5-year-old watching TV and felt the strangest feeling –loneliness. How odd to be in a car with five people and feel lonely.

I wondered when we became this family of isolated travelers. Last summer we didn’t seem to be so plugged in, how did this happen?  Now it was so quiet and I hated it. After surprisingly little convincing and cajoling, everyone put down their devices and we finally did play games and make some noise. It was loud and it was chaotic — there was even some conflict — but it was wonderful. We all agreed that while we enjoy our devices, being connected to one another was much more pleasurable than being hooked up to our electronics.

It is ironic that in a world where we are so “connected” we are becoming increasingly disconnected. I went for coffee with my husband last week and saw five girls at a table together. Not one of them was talking, all were texting. As parents we have to help our children make good choices about these devices. The more our kids are connected to us, the happier and more secure in their relationships with us, the less they will be drawn to their phones and computers.

I am not against these things. These things are part of our world and tightly woven into how young people interact with each other. Devices can be great for parents, too. They can help us feel safe and know where our kids are. We can support and help them when they need us. We can send them texts about how much we love them and stay connected when we are away from them. But it is important to know when to draw the line. Making time to turn our electronics off will mean stronger family bonds and fewer missed milkshakes at the drive thru!

"Connected Parenting advises us not just how to parent, but—far more important—who to be as parents. The therapeutic methods suggested by Jennifer Kolari are based not on simple-minded behavioural solutions, but on building warm, nurturing relationships with our children, with insight and compassion not only for their little flaws, but also for our own larger ones."
—Gabor Maté, M.D.

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