Did you catch this article in the Examiner?  ”Connected Parenting Offers Support for Your Challenging Child,” by Connected Parenting friend Sondra Santos LaBrie, discusses what makes Connected Parenting different and gives the 411 on San Diego Connected Parenting Coaches Rebecca Lindsay and Kelly Parisa.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Cindy Smolkin. Enjoy!

I was in Los Angeles visiting my brother, sister-in-law and niece and nephew. We decided to go to Target to buy everyone one new pair of pajamas. My son quickly declared that he wanted Spider Man pjs, my daughter Buzz Light Year, my nephew Batman, and my niece – the eldest of the crew – wanted Hanna Montana. It seemed a sure-thing…what department store would not have this reliable and popular assortment?

We arrived at Target and made our way to the pajama section and who would believe our luck: rack upon rack of pjs of all description. A myriad of choices; Batman, Spiderman, Buzz Light Year galore. Uh oh…where’s the Hanna Montana?? As my son, daughter and nephew had already dove into their new pajamas, each of them pulling the pj tops over their t-shirts, there was my niece…looking MAD.

You see, my niece is very bright, very strong-willed, very tenacious, and very dramatic. This pajama disappointment was fertile ground for a BIG reaction. So I turned to her and said:

“That’s so annoying. We found every pair of pajamas we wanted except the Hanna Montana. We came here especially for them and they are not here; that really is disappointing.”

My niece looked at me (a little like I was an alien) and said, “How do you know?” To which I replied:

“Because I know what it’s like for me when I go to a store with something in my mind that I want to buy and they don’t have it. I feel disappointed.”

And she said, “Yeah, it is disappointing.” And then we made our way to the cash. My niece was quiet, with a bit of a trance – like look on her face – almost as if she was saying to herself, “Wow, that was weird. I was kind of pretty mad and then all of a sudden I wasn’t.”

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @MarjieKnudsen: “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”~Epictetus #quote

RT @alysonschafer: Parent Tip: Which child is likely to de-rail your outting today? Be proactive: start lovin them up, be engaged with them.

RT @sallywits: RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: The Difference Between “Helicopter Parenting” & Attachment Parenting http://ow.ly/16N8bA

Thanks for the mention @HappyMothering!

Thanks so much for the RT @RelevantMom!

RT @DeborahMersino: Complete Transcript from 03.12 #gtchat on Perfectionism: http://bit.ly/bOkkkX #gifted

The #Parenting Telesummit starts next Friday and runs from March 19-26. I’ll be on at 12EST on March 26. Sign up here! http://bit.ly/b8O1Zg

RT @DeborahMersino: Partial Transcript from 03.12 #gtchat on Perfectionism http://bit.ly/bOkkkX {feed crashed at end/simply perfect!}

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 03.12 #gtchat “Instilling Hope & Confidence in #Gifted Kids Today” http://bit.ly/9QQ7MR {starts at 5:00}

Thanks for the mention @iClippy!

RT @iClippy Did you know that parents, yes PARENTS, can cause their own kids to get stressed out too? Unbelievable, right?! http://ow.ly/1cDlK

Gr8 overview of Connected Parenting CALM method in this interview by Jennifer Kolari: Minimizing Tantrums by Mirroring http://bit.ly/cmyBkS

Thx! RT @happyhealthyhip: Connected Parenting offers support for your challenging child -http://tinyurl.com/ydnxv9m/via @Hip_M0M

Congrats! RT @OhBabymagazine: Our new site is live!!!! http://bit.ly/awd54M

A couple of weeks ago, the Connected Parenting Blog was the proud recipient of the Beautiful Blogger Award from Single Soccer Mom! In tapping Connected Parenting for this fab honor, Single Soccer Mom writes:

“I’ve decided to pass the award on to a blog that I feel every parent should visit at least once… I am giving Connected Parenting – The Blog the honor of Beautiful Blogger for the beautiful things it can do to your family.

I recently came across the blog and was intrigued by the subject matter.  During a two-hour lunch break, I found myself wandering through a local bookstore in search of the book of the same name, Connected Parenting, by Jennifer Kolari. After reading just a few chapters and applying the techniques described within those pages, I have seen the bond between my little man and I blossom even more.”

Thanks so much Single Soccer Mom!

As far as we can tell, the rules of the Beautiful Blogger Award are as follows:

1.  Display the Beautiful Blogger Badge in the post.
2.  Write 7 things about yourself that people don’t know.
3.  Give the Beautiful Blogger Award to 7 other blogs.

So here we go:

And here are 7 things you may not know about Connected Parenting:

1.  Between us, the Connected Parenting Team has 19 children, ranging in age from not born yet to 29.

2.  The Connected Parenting Team has a total of 2 cats and 4 dogs – not much to brag about but we have the 4 best dogs and 2 best cats on the planet – we think : )

3.  Connected Parenting has therapists in both Canada and the U.S. and we’re expanding.

4.  The Connected Parenting book is coming out in soft cover this Spring.

5.  A Connected Parenting book for teenagers is in the works.

6.  Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari starred as Annie in Annie Get Your Gun when she was in High School and was awesome!

7.  All of us at Connected Parenting are LOVING meeting all of you on our blog, Facebook page and Twitter! Thanks to all of you for joining our conversation!!!

Best of all, here are 7 Beautiful Bloggers!

1.  Sondra Santos LaBrie at Happy Healthy Hip Parenting who just got nominated as San Diego’s Blogger of the Year! Go check out her blog and please vote for her. Sondra’s focus is on co-parenting and single parenting.

2.  Jacqueline Green of Great Parenting Practices, who interviews parenting experts on every subject imaginable and who is currently hard at work organizing the fantastic Parenting Summit – Middle School Edition taking place from March 19-26. Click here to find out more and to register for free for this amazing teleconference. (FYI, Connected Parenting founder, Jennifer Kolari will do an interview on Parenting Super-Sensitive and Anxious Children at 12 p.m. EST on March 26.)

3.  Annie Fox, whose blog focusses on parenting those miraculous creatures known as tweens and teens. Annie tackles tricky issues from friendship problems, to dating, to bullies.

4.  Marsha Jacobson, who blogs at My Child Feels as well as on her personal blog. Marsha writes about parenting, emotional intelligence, and her own journey.

5.  Alyson Schafer, my fellow Torontonian, and an Adlerian parenting expert extraordinaire, who has a great blog that covers just about every parenting question you could come up with.

6.  Deborah Mersino of the Ingeniosus Blog. Deborah writes about giftedness and she is also the tireless force behind the Friday #gtchats on Twitter. Deborah is an incredible treasure to the gifted community!

7.  Jean Winegardner at Stimeyland, who blogs about her life as a mom of three boys, one of whom is on the autistic spectrum. Jean also writes a column called Autism Unexpected for the Washington Times and is the creator of AutMont, providing autism information, events and community in Montgomery County, Md.  Thanks for sharing your story with us Stimey!

Jacqueline Green at Great Parenting Practices has created an amazing Parenting Summit that starts this Friday (March 19) and runs through March 26. The Summit is a free teleconference with a fantastic line-up of parenting experts. Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, will be discussing Parenting Super-Sensitive and Anxious Children at 12 p.m. EST on March 26. For more details and to register at no charge, click here and follow the instructions.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

There has been much media coverage lately about helicopter parenting and its effect on the development of our children. The CBC aired a great documentary a few weeks ago called “Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids.” It revealed how a generation of kids parented this way are faring—and it’s not well.

One might think kids who have been protected, chauffeured, tutored and celebrated more than any generation before would be confident, secure and happy. What research shows, however, is that they are anxious, stressed out, and more emotionally fragile than any generation before them. I would go so far as to call it “tip toe parenting” with many parents worried about upsetting their kids and going to great lengths to work around their children’s moods and going out of their way to accommodate their children needs and wishes. This has left many parents afraid of their child’s next meltdown and utterly exhausted.

So what do we do? How can we tell the difference between helicopter parenting and strong healthy attachment? We don’t want to go backwards to a time when kids were seen and not heard, but what’s happening now isn’t really working for parents, or for kids. We have to find a way, as parents, to balance attachment and nurturing with limit setting and exposure to natural consequences. In our well-meaning attempts to give our children positive experiences and in our striving for fairness, we have missed out on the value of a little adversity. Life is so good for many children in our part of the world that they are losing the gift of perspective.

The brain organizes our experiences often in terms of good and bad. If all experiences are positive, then the less positive ones begin to feel negative–it’s all relative. We want our children to be happy and successful, but being overly protective can give children a false sense of reality and may hinder their achievements later in life. They begin to lack the emotional hardware to handle adversity and may become anxious, overwhelmed and struggle to cope with their emotions.

We don’t need to go the other way and create negative situations for our children so they can toughen up, nor do we want to remove our empathy and support, but we do want to give them messages of competence and let them know they can, and will, get through negative experiences. Negative experiences are inevitable and no matter how hard we try to shield our children from them, we can’t. It’s much better to teach them how to handle these experiences and how to learn from them.

Constantly advocating for our children every time there is trouble, running to school with forgotten gym clothes or lunches, staying up late at night helping kids finish assignments in the long run is not helpful at all. We must let children try, fail, and then cope with the natural consequences of their failures. Listening, being empathic and helping children understand and learn from these experiences is vital, so is giving them the message that you believe they will be okay. When we enable children to fully experience the winning and the losing sides of life, we give them the gift of balance that will last a lifetime.

Here are some tips to help you with this balancing act.

1. Love them well

Strong family connections, with tons of unconditional love and consistent nurturing, will create positive attitudes and resilience. Listen to their feelings and empathize and problem-solve with them, then let them know that you believe they can get through any negative experiences.

2. Show yourself and encourage emotional ownership

Let your child see that you also make mistakes and that you feel sad or frustrated sometimes. He will connect with you and recognize his own power to overcome adversity.

3. Praise effort, not results

Compliment your child on her efforts and encourage her to measure herself against her own achievements.

4. Don’t be a fixer: allow mistakes

If your child is upset or angry, do not rush to fix the situation. Listen as he expresses his feelings and then calmly demonstrate that it’s okay to feel that way sometimes. Then you can work on problem-solving. If your child procrastinates and leaves an assignment to the last minute and loses marks for lateness, do not interfere. The negative result is a natural consequence of his choices, and will help him concretely understand cause and effect.

5. Stay neutral and avoid punishment

When your child does something wrong, make sure you listen to her point of view before you discipline–then choose natural consequences. Yelling and punishing will lead the child to focus more on your behavior than her own.

* Other posts about Helicopter Parenting:
Helicopter Parents – Are You Stressing Out Your Child
CBC Explores “Helicopter” Parenting

If you are new to Connected Parenting or just want a refresher, check out this interview with Jennifer Kolari about Minimizing Tantrums by Mirroring. The interview gives a great overview of the CALM method and mirroring as well as answering several frequently asked questions.

* You may also want to check out our Mirroring Monday series for lots of great examples of mirroring.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Kelly Parisa. Enjoy!

I am the mother of two teenage daughters. They love each other dearly, but they also love their clothes.

One afternoon, Aubrey (our oldest), came storming in: “She keeps stealing my clothes! Look! She took these pants and now they are all dirty when I want to wear them tonight! She does this all the time!”

So (torn between thinking… ”How many times do we have to have THIS fight?!” and “Oh my gosh, like I have time to battle this out again, in the midst of cooking dinner, paying bills, feeding the dog and doing laundry!”) I took a breath, and mirrored instead…

“Again? She went in your room and took those pants and you want to wear them to dance class tonight! She does this all the time! What should we do?”

Aubrey already had a more relaxed body and the hint of a smile on her lips. “Go kick her butt!”

“Okay! Let’s go! We’ll go kick her butt!” “Storming” off together I could already feel humor in the air and a change in attitude from furious to feisty.

We made our way to Sydney’s room and I gently put my foot on Sydney’s bottom… “We are here to kick your butt” I declared! Sydney laughed.

As Aubrey began to reiterate her claim to her own clothes, Sydney chimed in with the old familiar, “She does it to me all the time! She comes in my room and takes stuff and doesn’t ask me either!”

“So it happens to you too! You have things you want to wear and she’s taking them from you! It’s happening up and down the hall!”

“Yeah, so she does it to me, and I do it to her!”

“You both do it…and you both get so mad and can‘t find the things you want to wear, when you want to wear them! She does it to you and you do it to her and she does it to you…”

At this point, they began laughing (probably realizing the on-going futility of this fight) and I was able to leave them to their own devices (wrestling and giggling). Smiling down the hall I was thinking, “This isn’t the first time they’ve battled this out and it won’t be the last…”

The next week, while running errands with Sydney, I said, “Hey, isn’t that Aubrey’s jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she know you’re wearing it?”

“Oh we worked all that out. We decided we can borrow each other’s clothes (except for a few things) and it’s okay.”

“How’d you guys arrive at that?”

“Oh, we just decided we fight too much about it and it’s not good. So we worked it out.”

A little mirroring and a little humor, mixed with some time and trust to resolve their own issues…a recipe for self-reliance, with a dash of sisterly-bonding thrown in.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @ruralmoms: RT @babyfacts: 10 tips for successful fam vacation from Jennifer Kolari author of Connected #Parenting.http://bit.ly/al7jIj

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 03.05 #gtchaton “Disciplining the #Gifted Child: Fallacies & Facts:http://bit.ly/9vjrGL

RT @DeborahMersino: Trans from noon/EST #gtchat “Creating Healthy Environment/Balance for #Gifted“ http://bit.ly/c6LlWQ{scroll to 5pm/GMT}

RT @HappyHealthyHipTeens appreci8 parents who focus more on what they experience/learn/feel than achievement/performance via @americannanny

Thanks for the mentions! @ToughAct @baronwhite @bfscribner

TY! RT @Hip_M0M: My #FF recommendation: Author of Connected Parenting and Child & Family Therapist, @JenniferKolari (Plus, she’s Canadian!)

It absolutely will! RT @laughingatchaos: @Jenniferkolari Thx for the RT hon. No, it’s NOT easy. But it will pay off in the end. I hope.

Gr8 topics!! RT @DeborahMersino: The votes are in: “Disciplining the #Gifted Child: Fallacies & Facts” will be 7pm/EST#gtchat topic on Fri.

Congratulations @Stimey! http://www.stimeyland.com/2010/03/im-all-over-internet-but-mention-in.html

Congrats @DeborahMersino! And thank you for all the work you are doing!!! http://bit.ly/cyNZXx5 hours ago

Sensory Processing Disorder and the DSM http://bit.ly/cCRKyg via Twice-Exceptional Newsletter http://bit.ly/3Rf615

“Trying harder is impossible when you’re already trying as hard as you can. But you can always try different.” – Seth Godin

It’s not easy! RT @DeborahMersino: A tender, raw slice of liFe w/ #gifted#OE via @laughingatchaos |http://bit.ly/9luoJh #gtchat

Become a fan of Connected Parenting on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Connected-Parenting/85667477170?ref=nf

Thx so much for the mentions! @PinkySparky @Triciadycka@Reward_Mall@denyseduhaime @bfscribner

@Heatmizer_626 Thanks for the shout out!

@projecthappy Thanks for the mention!

Thx for the mention! RT @ParentLearning: Jennifer Kolari Discusses Tantrums | Connected Parenting: http://bit.ly/bMYZTB via @addthis

Many thanks for the Beautiful Blogger Award Single Soccer Mom! http://mythirties.net/2010/03/02/beautiful-blogger-award/

RT @DeborahMersino: Parenting tweeps & educators: Vote for this week’s #gtchat topics.http://twtpoll.com/4duejr Please RT.

@jeliez Thanks!

@rijakk Thanks for the mention!

TY! RT @MADconsulting: Sending ENDLESS hugs to MANY @bfscribner @dahara@SoccerFan18 @Jenniferkolari @rijakk @jeliez @chem_w3 @denyseduhaime

Resources for my US tweeps who have kids with LDs http://nyti.ms/9zPO2C

Thx! RT @projecthappy: RT @happyhealthyhip: From Connected Parenting – Mirroring Monday “It’s Boring” Edition: http://ow.ly/16GJzc

Thx for the RT @MADconsulting: New Post: Seth Godin on Genius and Failure http://ow.ly/16HjND via @Jenniferkolari

Thanks for the mention! RT @HappyHealthyHip: This week, @JenniferKolari Discusses Tantrums: http://ow.ly/16GDkd #parenting

Thx for the RT @happyhealthyhip: From Connected Parenting – Mirroring Monday “It’s Boring” Edition: http://ow.ly/16GJzc

The Middle School Parenting Telesummit is coming soon! http://bit.ly/aZvNqi

@life_act Thanks for the RT!

More support for the power of a growth mindset http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070207090949.htm

Kelly Parisa and Rebecca Lindsay will be presenting a workshop on Connected Teaching this Monday, March 8 at the Southern Regional Meeting of CAIS. The workshop will focus on using techniques adapted from Connected Parenting to help teachers build deep bonds with their students, de-escalate behavior, and build their students’ self-esteem. This event is open to participants from CAIS member schools.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who disagrees with her partner about whether to vaccinate their son. She asks Jennifer how to find out about the pros and cons of vaccination and how to settle the dispute with her partner. Jennifer advises seeking information from more than one source, including both people in favor of and those against vaccination. After gathering information, it’s important to have a respectful and open conversation to try to reach a consensus. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Live in the Ottawa area? Here’s your chance to see Jennifer Kolari live at the Ottawa Camp Fair. Jennifer will speak from 2-3:30 on March 7, 2010 at the Travelodge Hotel & Conference Centre. This event is open to the public. Read all about it in the Ottawa Citizen.

Are you constantly telling your kids to sit still, sit down, stop squirming? I am. But I’m thinking maybe I should stop. According to a recent article in the New York Times, sitting still is pretty bad for your health. Even if you exercise regularly, sitting for long periods of time turns out to put you at risk for all kinds of nasty health problems. Standing, moving around, and fidgeting seem to be the way to go. In the picking-your-battles department, letting this stuff go is looking like a no-brainer.

This March, we are taking a break from our regular life. My kids will leave school and I will forgo this column I write for a couple of weeks. My daytime job, that of mother/diplomat/caretaker/insane asylum out-patient, will travel with me down to sunny warm Siesta Key, Florida.

Last February, my husband took the reins for a few days so I could visit my parents in Florida by myself. It was incredibly lovely because I gladly reverted to childhood and allowed my mom and dad to look after me. They fed me, took me shopping and my dad even rescued me one morning when I’d gone running and encountered one of those torrential rainstorms for which the Sunshine state is famous.

Soon, for the first time, my two sons, Charlie, 13, and Harrison, 7, and I will be spending a week living under the same roof as my parents. In the past, my husband, sons and I have always stayed in the same complex as my mom and dad, but in a separate unit. Usually, we spend a lot of time together by the pool or at the beach, barbecuing and going out for dinner in the evenings. There have always been, however, hours in the day when we’ve gone our separate ways. My parents like to play gin rummy and nosh on their porch. My kids like to play their various electronic gadgets, fight over the TV clicker and also nosh. This holiday, all the animals will be on the same farm.

I’m worried. Not give-me-a-valium, call 911 worried, but concerned that my kids might drive my parents crazy and that my parents might drive me to nosh as well, a self-calming mechanism I use when life becomes tense.

Don’t misunderstand. My parents know my sons intimately. Charlie was their first grandchild, the one who could do no wrong. My parents spent hours simply holding him and watching him drool and sleep, mesmerized by his very existence. I think they finally realized he was an actual human being with faults when he was almost seven and his little brother came along. Charlie’s reaction to sharing the spotlight was, well, interesting. He is a kind and perceptive young man, but he often chooses to learn his lessons the hard way , along the road that sometimes leads to the principal’s office. My parents have noted his imperfections and filed them under “Who cares?” in their grandchild assessment files. For them, he will always be lovable.

Charlie calls his grandma, “my secret weapon” because she helps him out when he has parent problems. He looks up to my father, his papa, who is possibly the only person in the world from whom Charlie will take undressed criticism.

Harrison is my parents’ youngest grandchild and they are fully aware of how much effort and faith was put into my pregnancy. Harrison demanded to be born. He commands our attention. He was a hoped for but unexpected gift and his grandma and papa adore him.

But.

Sometimes, okay a lot of times, when my sons are together, I feel as if I’m standing mid-stage at an AC/DC concert with a monster truck rally as the opening act. They are loud. They are unbridled. They squabble like chickens over the last kernel of corn.

I know my boys love one another. They have a secret club. My husband and I don’t even know the password – it’s probably something like penis-breath or diarrhea- rain. When they wrestle, Charlie keeps one hand poised behind Harrison’s head ready to protect him from smashing it on the floor. Charlie isn’t even consciously aware of doing this. It is clear fraternal instinct. But, he also gets a thrill out of revving his brother up into intense crying and shouting extravaganzas. He does it quietly. I call him, “gar” which is a type of needlefish that lurks in the shadows until it quietly spears innocent fish swimming by.

Harrison is only seven, emulates his older brother, and is extremely susceptible to Charlie’s manipulations. When Harrison becomes excited or upset, his voice reminds me of what would happen if Elmo drank a gallon of Red Bull.

I am stressed about this trip because we will be living in close quarters. For my father, this is a working vacation and he will spend half of every day using his computer somewhere in our rented two bedroom condo. I am nervous that my children’s behavior will test even the unconditional, unwavering love of their grandparents. Frankly, I am worried that my alleged holiday will become a referee’s nightmare.

As mother and daughter, I am the bridge between these two generations, afraid my role will be more like that of a customs official, constantly checking the travelers for contraband in the form of moods or misbehavior.

The other day, I shared my concerns with Charlie. He regarded me as if I was missing a link. “Don’t worry, Mom. Harrison and I are so happy to be on this trip and live with Grandma and Papa. We’ll be fine.”

My father reiterated my eldest son’s optimism. “Sweetheart, if the boys get too loud, I will simply ask them to shut up”, he said, a smile in his voice.

I have been “catastrophizing” the future instead of looking forward to it like the other smarter members of my family. How fortunate that my kids and I get to be nurtured by parents and grandparents for a week. We will build on the riverbank of memories already created in our favourite vacation destination. And, my parents are fortunate that they get to spend an extended period of time with their grandsons, at ease with the intimacies performed in any close family.

Maybe, nobody needs me to be a bridge after all because everyone has already arrived. Maybe, all that is required is a pack of playing cards, some suntan lotion and a never-ending supply of iced tea and love.

Stay tuned . . .

Citing remarks by Nora D. Volkow, M.D., director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, The Herald News reports that parental involvement is critical to the development of the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for decision-making. Many of us take this for granted, but it’s not always easy to stay connected with our children, especially during adolescence. Without a strong connection to their parents, children may have “weaker brain development which raises the risk of impulsive behavior such as drug use.” Yet another reason to connect with your kids!

Try this out on your resident perfectionist if they weren’t persuaded by the Michael Jordan video about failure.

In a post entitled, Genius is misunderstood as a bolt of lightning, Seth Godin argues that:

“Genius is actually the eventual public recognition of dozens (or hundreds) of failed attempts at solving a problem. Sometimes we fail in public, often we fail in private, but people who are doing creative work are constantly failing.”

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Rebecca Lindsay. Enjoy!

My Connected Parenting partner Kelly Parisa and I run an after school social skills group for children in Kindergarten through Grade 2. One afternoon (our third class), one of our boys arrived with his arms crossed determined not to come in. He was escorted to our room by his teacher who warned me, “He really doesn’t want to be here today. Good luck!”

My first reaction (thankfully I didn’t act on it) was… really? Why would he not want to come? We talk… We share… We read… We play games… We do art… This class is great! How could he possibly not want to come? However, instead of being defensive and then trying to convince him that he was going to have a good time, I left Kelly with the group, went over to him, plunked myself down with him at the door and mirrored… It went something like this…

“This is the last place you want to be right now!”

“Ya… I don’t even want to come in. It’s boring!”

“So, here you are thinking that this class is going to be so fun, and you’ve been here for 2 weeks and it has been boring.”

“Yep. All we ever do is talk.”

“Well that’s no fun. You’ve come here thinking that we’re going to do fun things and all we do is talk and that’s not fun for you.” His arms unfold and he begins to come into the room peering around the corner to see what the rest of the group is doing.

“No. It’s never fun.”

“Sitting around and talking is so not fun and having fun is important to you, especially after a long day of school.”

Taking a step into the class and leaning into me, He said, “Ya. But, we did read a book last week.”

“And that was a little bit fun, but still too much talking.”

“Ya… and we colored…”

By this time, he was only half paying attention to me and was walking away from me toward the group. He turned around while he was halfway there and said over his shoulder, “Well, today is going to be my last day…”

Escalation avoided… He returned the following week without incident.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 3-year-old has tantrums when put into time out. Jennifer advises that losing your temper reinforces your child’s tantrum behavior by giving them the reaction they are looking for. Instead, try to remain neutral and let your child know that they will be OK. If your child won’t remain in time out, Jennifer suggests calmly walking them back to their time out spot without engaging. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

Getting services for a learning disability. Advice for my U.S. tweeps:http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/health/27patient.html?hpw

Love this! RT @MarjieKnudsen: Impromptu Performance by Elderly Couple of 62 years -http://bit.ly/aC8XzT #health#happiness #relationships

RT @flourishingkids: Playing scrabble on FB with daughter who’s at college. Love that she wants to spend part of her Sat. night with me

RT @Annie_Fox: When we stop & listen 2 our kids we show that we care enough 2 try 2 understand what they’re feeling http://bit.ly/8bIzO8

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript #gtchat “Exploring the Role of #Gifted & Talented Teacher” http://bit.ly/bERgHL {scroll to 4:59 pm/GMT)

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” http://bit.ly/bB6vbz #gtchat (excellent resources!)

Marsha Jacobson on Change http://bit.ly/c1czrA

@alysonschafer Not sure. We’re looking into that:) Thanks for the referral!

The importance of touch http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html

Amazing! RT @alysonschafer: gr8 video wins 2nd place. Gr8 msg and FASCINATING palindrome.http://bit.ly/

TY for the RT @happyhealthyhip: RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid Child http://ow.ly/16DZu8

@psychomia Thanks for the RT!

RT @DeborahMersino: “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” will be our 7pm/EST #gtchat topic on Friday!

RT @DeborahMersino: “Exploring the Role of the #Gifted & Talented Teacher” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic this Friday!

RT @AudreyFG: Looking 4-ward to this! RT @DeborahMersino: Readg Experts: Need bk recs 4 students who read 2- 6 levels above avg #gtchat

Check out this article abt how the pwr of a growth mindset is demonstrated by Olympians who use setbacks as motivation http://bit.ly/a9eIAP

Nope. RT @amyrhoda: Is there anything nicer than the contemplative silence of two children engrossed in their Chirp and Chickadee magazines?

RT @inspiringMoms: One of hardest things 4 moms to do is ask 4 help yet if we don’t do it, who is going to teach our… http://bit.ly/cxJox5

RT @sara_winter: Sometimes U need fresh strt RT @AutismMomExpert: Therapy a blast 4 spec needs kids http://ow.ly/1auU7 #autism #specialneeds

RT @bweikle: Very inspiring! Program gives big boost to inner-city students – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/1alu8

Thx for RT @sara_winter Makes sense 4 LOT of kids I know RT @jenniferkolari How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid http://ow.ly/16DZu8

RT @DeborahMersino: Vote now for 02.26 global #gtchat topics: http://twtpoll.com/r/ahu6md #gifted

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

For many families there will be a school break of some sort in the next few weeks and whether you are staying home or going away, here are some tips to help make sure you have a great time:

1. Set loving limits

Behaviour doesn’t take a vacation–it comes with you. Start as soon as you get in the car/to the airport/in the taxi by being fair and kind, but firm right from the get go. This will help your kids know what kind of behaviour you expect for the rest of the trip. It can be counterintuitive because we want to make sure that everyone is having fun, but setting limits early means everyone will be much happier for the rest of the trip.

2. Before you leave – take the whole family to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if need be

If you will be eating at a lot of restaurants on your vacation, then try this little trick. Before your trip, go to a restaurant and let them know that if there is any misbehaving, you will leave. Expect to go home with your meals in a box and be ready for it, then if they misbehave–leave. This will show your kids that you are prepared to do this at restaurants or other activities on vacation as well.

3. Front Load – let them know how you expect them to behave and how you will help them

Start talking to your kids a couple of days before the trip about what kind of behaviour you expect. Decide on what consequences there will be if they misbehave so they know ahead of time and can make good choices. Let them know you will help them with reminders to make those good choices.

4. Talk about the kind of behaviour you expect between siblings

Explain that negative behaviour between siblings gets in the way of everyone’s fun; good behaviour (such as compliments or encouragement) will help make everyone happy. Catch them being kind or thoughtful to one another.

5. Set your own realistic expectations

We think that because we’re going on vacation, all of the things that drive us crazy here at home will go on vacation too. This is usually not the case, and we need to make sure our own expectations are realistic so that we aren’t disappointed.

6. Make sure there is quality family time and alone time each day

As parents, we also want to get in some “me” time during the vacation. Make sure you do some “together activities” that let you and the kids connect – really get in there and play with the kids – then you can tell them that mommy and daddy need time to be adults and they will respect that.

7. Create a trip agenda

Kids like to have some structure. Creating an agenda lets them know what is going to happen each day and helps them to set expectations. It doesn’t have to be detailed or rigid, just give them a sense of what to expect each day, building in lots of time for transitions like getting ready and organized.

8. Stick to bedtimes

Keeping, within reason, the same routine you have at home will ensure they are well-rested each day. It doesn’t have to be the same time as at home, just make sure it’s as consistent as possible. Tiredness is one of the leading causes of difficult behaviour.

9. Make sure to schedule in some downtime

No matter what age we are, we all need a bit of down time each day when we are on vacation. Take some time each afternoon to relax – and have some quiet moments away from distractions, programs and groups of people. This will keep kids from getting overwhelmed and over-stimulated and keep everyone in good spirits.

10. Be playful, loving and silly

A vacation is a great time to bond, cuddle and spend lots of quality time together. Make sure to laugh, be silly and really enjoy the moment–sometimes we can get so caught up in organizing everyone that we lose the joy in it all.

“Jason told me that if you step on a sidewalk crack, something really bad will happen to someone in your family.”

My seven year-old son, Harrison, and I were negotiating our way down the street, already late for his hair-cut. Our walk was stop-and-go because

Harrison had to make sure to jump over every crack and crevice he encountered.

“Jason told me that last year he forgot and he stepped on a crack and the next day his grandpa had a heart attack.”

“How’s his grandpa now?” I asked.

“Good” said Harrison. “Jason doesn’t step on cracks anymore.”

I smiled at the simplicity of the logic, at the naiveté of my son. He is just a little boy, I reasoned, but already I could see the worry pushing down on his bony shoulders all because of his friend’s experience. What could I say to lighten his load?

As children, we are taught to respect authority – professional, adult, legal, medical and the authority of other people’s experience, but when is it permissible and even advisable to respect the authority of our own experience?

At an early age, we learn to test and measure our environments by using the five recognized senses of taste, smell, touch, hearing and sight. But, are these senses enough to provide the barometer for all our assumptions? We also learn to believe in other people’s experience of these senses. Some say that there are other senses shepherding us through our lives, senses that are as important yet harder to quantify: the sense of temperature, pain, balance and acceleration, kinesthetic sense and the least empiric sense, the one many people thumb their noses at: intuition.

In my own life I have found my intuition to be more worthy of respect than any other form of authority. But, learning to trust it has pulled me down a road of blundering pot-holes.

My oldest son, Charlie, loved his Grade Five teacher. “Mrs. Hart uses this line from the movie, ‘Slapshot’ sometimes”, he told me, one day. “If a kid does something wrong in class or forgets their homework, she says: I want you to go to the penalty box and feel shame.”

“Cute”, I said, half-listening. Charlie went on to say that Mrs. Hart had advised that “Slapshot” was fabulous, a movie everyone should see.

Somehow, that last bit stuck in my brain. I vaguely remembered the peppery hockey comedy starring Paul Newman. Plus, I held deep admiration for Mrs. Hart. She was passionate about teaching the creative process of writing and I wished she’d been around when I was in school because writing was my favourite subject. So, I purchased “Slapshot” when I saw it in a store, thinking that Charlie, my husband and I could enjoy it together over the holiday and that my son could learn something. I wasn’t sure of the lesson, but I knew it would be important because Mrs. Hart had recommended the movie. As a testament to my belief, I actually bought the combo pack of “Slapshot One” and “Slapshot Two”. We were committed.

That Saturday evening, the three of us snuggled up in the master bedroom and turned on the movie. Four letter words punctuated the opening scenes. The first couple of times I heard swearing, I felt a discomfort sinuously crawling up my throat, but I beat it down with Mrs. Hart’s authority. She suggested this movie for a reason, I thought. So, what if Charlie hears some foul language? He’ll understand that people shouldn’t speak that way in real life. Hockey isn’t REAL LIFE! The movie progressed with yet more cursing. The sexual innuendoes began at the same time as the squirming in my toes. This must be an incredibly important lesson, I consoled myself, or Mrs. Hart would not have risked the negative impact of this disturbing language and imagery. I kept my face pointing forwards, feeling my husband’s glare heating the side of my cheek. Another few seconds and spontaneous combustion might ensue.

Finally, he lunged for the clicker and hit “Stop”.

“Why are we watching this?” he stammered in outrage. “It’s completely wrong for a ten year-old!”

I kept my own voice calm. “I agree that the language is pretty salty, but I think it’s going to get better soon. Mrs. Hart recommended this movie, after all.”

Charlie entered the fray at this point. “No, she didn’t, Mom. Mrs. Hart likes to use the line about getting a penalty, but she told us that ‘Slapshot’ is a movie we should actually see when we’re adults. She thinks it’s completely inappropriate for ten year-olds.”

Right then, I took myself to the penalty box, and boy, did I feel shame.

Because I respected the authority of what I thought was a teacher’s opinion, I ignored my own intuition. My family and I were able to laugh at this blunder, but it also taught me a valuable lesson. If ever you feel a large worm convulsing in your stomach, that’s your gut telling you to make your own call. Pay it heed.

“Harrison”, I asked my youngest son now. “Do you really believe that Jason’s grandpa had a heart attack because Jason stepped on a crack?”

“I’m not sure”, said my son, his eyebrows scrunched in consternation. “I guess I’ve been stepping on cracks my whole life and all of you guys are still fine.”

“Good observation” I agreed. “So, maybe, it would be okay for us to just walk normally so we can get to your haircut before the store closes?”

Harrison nodded and ran ahead, his feet crossing the sidewalk cracks like small “t”s. “I know it will be fine”, he called back over his shoulder, “because of the invisible super shield all around our family, the one you told me about that night I couldn’t sleep, remember? It’s worked, so far!”

I sighed and stepped up my pace. I sensed another trip to the penalty box.

This piece from the New York Times’ Motherlode is about the funniest thing I’ve read since becoming a parent. Noting a recent addition to the blogosphere that collects the crazy things you find yourself saying as a parent, Motherlode’s Lisa Belkin invited readers to add their own stories to the comments. He are some of my favorites:

“Your sister is not a chew toy.”

“You are so immature.” (to a 4-year-old)

“Do not use cheese to write on the walls.”

I recently found myself telling my daughter to “Please sit down and take off your snout.” (She was dressed up as a dog and it was dinner time.)

I highly recommend checking out both Mommylingo and Lisa’s post at Motherlode if you need a good laugh!

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Janis Beach. Enjoy!

A client walked into my office last week excitedly exclaiming “I nailed it — I’m getting this mirroring thing!”

She went on to tell me that after some ‘discussion’ her 7 year old daughter had gone up to her room to put away her laundry and generally tidy her room. As my client (mom) went by the room she could hear her daughter mumbling to herself with great intensity in a way that usually would escalate into a meltdown and an exhausting scene! Taking a deep breath mom went into the room and said “Finding just the right place for those socks sure is frustrating, eh? Want some help?” Her daughter turned to her and said in a very calm way, “No thanks. I’m good.”

Perfectionist meltdown averted!

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 15-month-old daughter has started waking up at night after previously being a good sleeper. Because she is difficult to console when she wakes, the reader has been giving her daughter a bottle, which seems to calm her. Jennifer advises that the reader can continue to give the bottle and hope that the sleep disturbance subsides over time. But if the reader stops giving the bottle, she must hold firm or risk teaching her daughter that she will get a bottle if she has a meltdown. Jennifer discusses different sleep programs and notes that different children respond best to different programs. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from #gtchat “Launching a Parent Advocacy Group” http://bit.ly/dobhR7 #gifted

Thx 4 RT @sara__winter Coregulated coexperienc’g. Gr8 for ANY kid RT @jenniferkolari Love this..the city with your child http://bit.ly/9cs3tO

RT @sara__winter L0ve the idea of “Ruthless Compassion” Thank-You @Jenniferkolari <– I’m using it more on my mother-in-law than my son!!

RT @MarjieKnudsen: PBS: Inside the teenage brain -http://bit.ly/3Pcmk8 via @christophemorin@paoloterni #parenting#teens #health

Love this idea to spend an afternoon a week exploring the city with your child http://bit.ly/9cs3tO

Jay Mathews’ article on Life Habits Schools Can Teach http://bit.ly/9Jn2os

RT @bweikle: Have you had a chance to read @krushowy’s piece on anti-bullying week? Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/19aep

RT @DeborahMersino: Miss the first #gtchat session today? Transcript here: http://www.bit.ly/aLkBaR#gifted #OE

RT @HoagiesGifted: Great news! #National #Institute for#Twice-#Exceptionality at the#Blank #Honors #Center…http://bit.ly/ceD8nR

Thanks so much for the #FF@JacquelineGreen!

Great info for U.S. parents who suspect their child has a learning disability http://nyti.ms/dBodM4

“Perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it.” – Aimee Mullins

RT @DeborahMersino: “Launching a Parent Advocacy Group: How & Why?” will be our #gtchat topic at 7pm/EST on Friday! #gifted

RT @DeborahMersino: “Coping with Intensity & Overexcitabilities” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic on Friday. #gifted

RT @Kidlutions: In parenting, think like Einstein. “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting…http://bit.ly/aDCmiK

RT @bweikle: Have u heard of the Magic Castle @ Princess Margaret? It’s a childcare program for parents fighting cancer http://bit.ly/bHywN6

Happy Family Day! Happy President’s Day!

I happened on a recent TED talk by Aimee Mullins this week. Aimee was a paralympic record-breaker at the 1996 games and she’s an amazing speaker. Her talk focussed on seeing adversity as opportunity. Since adversity of some kind or another is inevitable, it’s not whether you face adversity but how you face it:

“Perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it.”

Aimee’s talk also highlights the importance of giving children a message of competence, attributing her own remarkable achievements to a comment one of her doctors made to her when she was five years old. As Aimee struggled with physical therapy she hated, her doctor told her that she was such a strong little girl, he thought she might eventually break one of the bands she was using for the therapy.

Check out the video if you’re in need of a little inspiration:

It was a Saturday morning in mid-February, and both my sons had the pallor of vampires and the energy levels of sloths. Charlie and Harrison had been fine all week at school, but this weekend morning they woke up sick. There were swimming lessons and birthday parties to attend, not to mention shopping for new, better-fitting shoes. But, it was bitterly cold outside and there was a Jim Carrey movie marathon on television. I needed to make a decision.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when our responsibilities lessen during a holiday or weekend, crazy fatigue or an awful flu rear up and incapacitate us like a tsunami? “Just my luck to get sick during my time off,” we might think, but maybe a more apt reaction should be gratitude that we possess bodies with minds of their own.

Often, our physical selves figure out what’s wrong with us or what we need long before our brains do, and they don’t try to sugarcoat the problem. Getting sick or feeling the physical effects of anxiety can be a body’s way of saying: slow down, relax, remove some stress, I’m warning you.

When I was thirty-four, I worked and played with gusto, but one night I woke up breathing erratically, my heart threatening to leap out of my chest. The dread in the pit of my stomach was so deep that I couldn’t even stand up straight. I felt that I could die at any moment and that moving too far from my bed could put me in mortal danger. I remember my husband convinced me to come outside for a walk. I held on to his arm for dear life and refused to go around the block – I needed to keep our house in sight; I needed to see my safe place. After nearly a whole hour during which the symptoms refused to subside, we drove to a hospital emergency room, where calm is as alien as bacon at a bar mitzvah. Once it was ascertained that I was not having a heart attack, my husband and I settled in for a long wait and a lively sideshow of humanity, watching sick people brought in on stretchers and in handcuffs.

Eventually, the attending physician, a calm, pony-tailed man wearing clogs, examined me and explained that I was merely, merely, suffering from a panic attack. He asked me if I was experiencing any particularly disturbing stresses in my life. I felt puzzled. There were issues at work, arguments with friends, nothing unusual. He gave me a pill called Atavin, a short-term medication that fends off the effects of anxiety. I was instantly relieved — until the next time.

After visiting my family doctor and procuring a prescription for my new go-to drug, I became a semi-functioning victim of free-floating anxiety. I did not understand what was causing this ugly beast to jump out of the shadows and I never knew when it was going to pounce. I spent gross amounts of energy working to hide my struggle from colleagues and to downplay it with family and friends.

The unpredictable attacks prompted me to take Atavin before situations during which a panic attack would be difficult to hide or explain. If I had to attend a big meeting or a family function, I took a pill just in case, a preemptive strike against the possibility of anxiety. By all objective measures, I was an intelligent woman, and yet, I shrugged off concern about my growing psychological addiction to medication. I acted as if my panic attacks were part of a phase that would run its course like puberty or a love of flannel shirts.

My body knew what was wrong with me, but like a dog that barks at a seemingly empty yard, it couldn’t tell my brain exactly what the problem was. Finally, after a year of this nerve-wracking condition, I attended a seminar by a pioneer in holistic health education. When Jack Schwarz (google him; you won’t be sorry!) stated that “all of your body is in your mind but not all of your mind is in your body, I began to learn how to pay attention to myself. I braked for the red stop lights illuminating my insides and realized that I needed to leave my career in book publishing. The politics and pace had become too stressful and the personal rewards had vanished. I also realized that I needed to try to have a baby because time was galloping on and the fear of not trying was literally making my body crazy. Fortunately, my husband’s income allowed me to resign from my job in order to have time to reflect on these realizations. I quit the pills cold turkey, dug up our back yard, built a garden, and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. My panic attacks stopped.

These days, I am very mindful of my body’s warnings and the warnings that come from the bodies of my children. Every cell in us has intelligence to which we should listen. When either of my boys becomes sick, they take time off school and I resolutely feed them chicken soup and love. I occasionally cancel their extra-curricular activities for a few weeks and focus on hanging out at home, creating opportunities for down-time and not worrying about what they’re missing. They have caught the stress bug and I try to give them what their bodies already know they require, time to be still and time to recover. That Saturday in February, we all stayed home and watched Jim Carrey contort his facial features. We laughed and made nachos. Wrestled and nestled. I am hopeful that the lessons I learned as an adult can be passed on to my sons now so that heeding their own bodies’ warnings will be the only medicine they ever need.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Over the last 15 to 20 years, we have moved from a parent-centered culture to a child-centered culture. We are better at understanding our children, better at empathizing and better at supporting and helping children when they are in need. Children are more protected and enjoy more emotional and physical safety than ever before and as a culture we care more about their feelings and their dignity.

There is a downside, though, and things may have swung a little too far. Many well-meaning parents work too hard to smooth the road for their children. Removing obstacles and bumps may make it easier for us to bear our children’s pain and emotional discomfort, but our children don’t seem to be better off for it. According to clinical psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, “We’re seeing high rates of anxiety and depression. The average college student right now is as anxious as the average psychiatric patient was 50 years ago.”

As a child and family therapist, I see far more anxiety amongst the children I work with than I did years ago. I also see children having more difficulties with emotional regulation, anger and impulse control. If you smooth every bump and remove every obstacle in their way, children will not develop the emotional circuitry to manage bumps when they happen. They will fall apart and overreact because they do not have a repertoire of experiences that they can review and say, “Oh yeah, I handled that and I was ok so I can get through this.” If we do not trust them to learn for themselves, make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can’t build that important repertoire. The irony is that the more we try to make life easier for them, the more upset and anxious they seem to become.

It is hard to watch your child cry when you have to say “no” to something, or set a limit. But if you think it’s tough with a two- or four-year-old, think about how it will look when they are 14 or 16 years old. The truth is it will never be easier than it is right now to change and correct behaviors.

Staying neutral, being loving and predictable while setting fair and reasonable limits is the greatest gift you can give your child. It will help them become capable, resilient and secure. Adolescence is around the corner. It may seem like you have a lifetime with your children but they really do grow up quickly. Support them. Guide them. And, love them well. Be empathic and fair, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Let them experience some disappointment and give them messages of competence that help them see that they can, and will, get over it and be okay. Help them to be accountable for their mistakes and behaviors. They will be better prepared for life and a whole lot happier.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Cindy Smolkin. Enjoy!

This morning my 5-year-old son and I arrived at his school for our usual morning drop off. Prior to leaving the house we had a big debate about whether it was his class’s turn to be in the yard or in class before the bell rang. The debate was really about whether he needed to wear his snowpants or not. His heels were not dug in too deeply and it was quite easy for him to get to a place of agreement to put on his snowpants as the thought of putting them on in the car and missing yard time was not too appealing. However, when we arrived and saw that yes, in fact, it was his class’s turn to be out in the yard, he asked (with a bit more urgency) if I could wait until the bell rang, meet him inside and help him to remove his snowpants as it was too crowded and he needed help. My internal knee-jerk response was to giggle and say something like,

“You take your snowpants off every day by yourself. In fact, your teacher tells me that you are one of the fastest to get dressed and undressed.”

But, feeling pretty patient at that moment, and really hearing what my son was saying, instead I said,

“Yeah … there are a lot of kids in your class and the area to change in is pretty small. It must get pretty crowded. I bet people end up stepping over one another.”

He laughed and said, “Okay mom. Bye.” And that was the end of that.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.