Toys that mysteriously appear, money they have that you know you didn’t give them…every parent hates to think their child is stealing. The truth is it is not uncommon for children to steal, it does happen sometimes, and how you handle it can have a lot to do with whether or not is happens again.

Small children may take things that don’t belong to them because they don’t understand the concept of other people’s belongings or the concept of stealing. Older Children may steal because they have trouble controlling their impulses. Teens may steal for more serious reasons especially if it happens more than once. It may be a reaction to stress with friends home or school. It could be a cry for help or it could be due to a drug problem. If stealing becomes a pattern at any age you should discuss the problem with your pediatrician or therapist.

If your child is caught stealing or you suspect they are stealing, try not to shame them or be too harsh, sometimes you can just make them better thieves. Try wondering out loud about how it feels to want something you can’t have or talk about how it can be hard to see someone with something you want so badly.

Tell your child that if he admits the truth, you will reward the truth and honesty with by not negatively consequencing the behavior.

Tell your child you believe they will do the right thing and that an item you think they may have stolen can be put back in its place when they are ready. When it reappears thank them, tell them you are proud in a low key way and move on.

If they steal from a friend’s house or a store and they confess, ask that they return the item and apologize. This is hard to do but a good natural consequence.

If they have stolen before,

Always stay neutral; show your concern and disappointment without shaming or humiliating. You can consequence by restitution asking that they do some work for charity, favors or chores and that they work with you to find ways to pay back any money stolen.

Talk to your kids in an age appropriate way about the consequences of stealing or shop lifting.

Leave a note in your wallet purse or drawer saying “I love you…please think about this, if you need something ask.

Keep valuables out t of sight for a while to reduce temptation.

Make sure you are getting along, spending time together and not angry at each other all the time, sometimes negative behavior is a way to get attention, or a cry for help.

For young kids talk about “those sticky fingers” that like to take things, then you can work together on making good choices.

Tell your child you want to help him or her with their sticky fingers and help them to pay attention to and learn about what their body feels like when they get the impulse to steal.

Tell them to breath slowly in and out, imagine the consequences of stealing or to think about something happy when they get that feeling.

Talk to your kids about trust and the fact that if they steal and things go missing it is a natural consequence that people may assume it’s them, it is the price of stealing and that because of that things are never free. Trust must be earned and the trend of not taking things must be proven.

Model ethical behavior, do the right thing and let your kids see it, talk about how that it is not always easy to do.

Tell your child you will leave treasures around and or money so you can celebrate the fact that it is still there the next day and give them a reward.

Give them an allowance so they can earn their own money to buy their own things. For small children go to the local book store and find a book about stealing and talk about it together.

If this behavior looks like it is becoming a pattern please talk to your child’s pediatrician.

Families in the fast lane The concept of over programming our children is something many parents are concerned about. Many of us worry about the loss of free time for kids as a loss of imagination and creativity. The pressure over-structured childhoods place on children, and their parents who have to plan and organize it all. Many children benefit from these programs, the structure, learning opportunities and excitement they can bring, but too many commitments can throw everyone off balance, and undermine the positive role these activities can offer.

In addition to soccer practice, swimming or music lessons, tutoring and Karate, our home life can be filled with video games, iPods, blackberry’s and computers which can pull us apart and make it even more difficult for families to stay close and connected. This added stress can raise frustration levels causing us all to be short or impatient and further disconnected from one another.

All the stress of rushing and driving from program to program can wear on us. If it were as easy as just cutting back on these programs we would do it, for many of this is the way life works and many kids want to be involved in these activities.

It is important to make sure that the benefits of the program outweigh the stress it puts on all of us. And that we consider the importance of relaxed family time, walks, board games and unstructured play time when planning our weeks. When we were young there were always kids out on the street ready to play kick the can or hide and seek, today most streets are empty with kids in organized programs. While I worry about the lack of free unorganized play and children needing time to chase butterflies and lie in the grass I do realize that the reality is that there often is no one on the street to play with. Play dates are booked and carefully scheduled around lessons and activities. It will take a collective effort for all of us to see the value in play and downtime. Below are some tips to help busy families deal with this issue.

Tips

Take a family inventory of activities; work towards balance for everyone not just the kids.

Have your child involved on one non-negotiable activity and other activities they can choose, try and not necessarily stick with.

Cut back on activites by doing one activity one term and another they would really like to do later in the year.

Build in time for unstructured play. Build in for transition times like leaving the house or changing one activity to another to reduce stress.

Schedule in time with your children, put them in your day timer, they will love seeing their names there.

Turn computer, blackberry, cell phones off, for set amounts of time.

Try when possible to eat dinner together.

Make time to be silly make sure you are laughing and having fun.

Sit with them for a few minutes when they are watching TV or playing a video game.

Take your child or teen to lunch, have a set time once a month.

Use time in the car to talk, kids often say more in the car. Build in time to relax, play games, go for walks, don’t just talk about it

Lying is a tricky issue for parents. We tend to give our children black and white messages about it, but it is anything but black and white.  We tell kids that lying is wrong–that no one will trust them if they don’t tell the truth, and that “honesty is the best policy.” But we don’t always practice this ourselves.

It may be more helpful to think of lying on a continuum with the truth at one end, and hurtful and damaging lies on the other. In between there is:

-exaggeration,
-white lies to protect feelings,
-white lies to avoid getting into trouble,
-as well as other arguably morally justified lies.

As parents, it is important to examine our own behavior in order to fully understand our childrens’. Do we always practice the truth? Do we tell our kids to say they’re only ten-years-old so we can pay less for movie tickets? Do they hear us using lies to get out of commitments we don’t wish to keep? Do they see us lie to avoid offending someone or to avoid conflict?

We must consider this when we look at the big picture beyond our child’s lying.

Why do kids lie?
Many reasons–to avoid getting into trouble, beef up their image, get revenge, avoid feeling anxious, fit in with the cool kids. Remember that all kids tell stories or lie occasionally. It’s when this behavior becomes a consistent pattern or coping style that parents should worry. If lying occurs in all areas of your child’s life and you hear about it from multiple sources, there could be a problem.

What to do?
First, remember that children get just as upset if you don’t believe their lies as if you don’t believe their truths. The experience of someone not believing them can be so upsetting it can override any desire to tell the truth and cause them to get “stuck.” How we react to our child’s lying can determine whether the behavior improves or becomes a bigger problem. Getting angry, threatening or shaming the child can and most often does cause the child to shut down communication, making the child defensive and committed to telling a lie better next time.

Practice the truth and model it whenever possible. If you have to tell a white lie for situational or ethical reasons, discuss your decision with your child, and take responsibility. This is a complicated issue–we can’t always assume children will sort it out on their own. They need our guidance.

Remember to use empathy and understanding. Hear what your child has to say first, without commenting, guiding, reprimanding, or teaching–that  will come later in the conversation. Hear what they say and without sarcasm or judgment and reflect it back to them to create safety in the conversation. (If this feels like the very opposite of what you’ve been taught to do by parenting books, it is because I’m teaching you the same techniques a therapist would use. You essentially become your child’s therapist –  this is the very reason that the Connected Parenting methods work so well.)

The child will then hear how their story sounds without feeling defensive and will often, on their own, adjust the story to and tell the truth. When she does, praise her for telling the truth. This is where you can discuss lying being a problem decide what to do about it. This is where you correct, guide and consequence, if necessary. Make sure she understands that the consequences would be worse it the truth was not told. If she remembers the experience as relatively positive she’ll be more likely to tell you the truth next time. This should create the right environment for a close and truthful relationship with your child or teen.

What if they still stick to their lie?
Give them time. Tell them you love them, that they are a good person, but you are having trouble believing them. Then tell them you they need to think about things and that you will talk about it later. Give them time to make the right decision. Sometimes when people feel cornered, they can’t think clearly and will get very stuck even if they want to do the right thing. Even if the truth never comes out, they will likely remember how this conversation felt and will be more likely to tell the truth the next time.

It might be helpful to think back to how you would feel if you got caught in a lie and someone shamed you. It would be very hard to admit the truth. And if that conversation left you feeling humiliated–or hurt you–you would leave the conversation feeling angry, rather than sorry. Not the reaction we want from our children. Remember children and teens remember not what you said in the conversation but how you made them feel.

Make them feel like telling the truth.