Homework is one of the top five issues that constantly come up for parents and their children. The “homework meltdown” is a common event in homes, complete with tears, power struggles and yelling that can last well into the evening and carry over in the form of hurt feelings, shame and frustration.

In our busy lives, with programs, multiple commitments, video games and individual electronic devices we can become distanced from one another. It is so important to reconnect and enjoy one another more, I often find that homework battles can be an obstacle to this and an incredible stressor for parents and children. With the homework battle taking up most of the night, this scenario is repeated throughout the week.

There are educational benefits to homework such as establishing good work habits and solidifying concepts but that tends to work for students who are positive and more enthusiastic about homework. For others, homework can be a huge source of anxiety, fighting and a real battle ground that distances parents and children, and causes kids to associate stress and upset with learning. When you add in after-school activities, homework often gets crammed in later in the evening when children and tired and cranky.

As parents, our own concerns and worries about our children’s success often turns this into an explosive combination. For children who have learning disabilities, ADHD, anxiety, homework is just another time of the day where they may feel incompetent. Focusing on activities that make them happy and build self esteem, such as music, drama, sports programs, or play time, can be far more beneficial and protective. Very little is learned and retained when one is in a heightened level of stress.

Homework does not have to end in tears and fighting. It is possible to find balance and manage negative homework behavior. It is possible to work towards establishing homework time as a positive learning experience.

Homework Tips for Parents

* Stick to the your school’s guidelines on how long children should spend on homework and do no more than that (unless your child is happy and motivated to continue).

* If very little gets done, write a note to the teacher stating that homework time did not go well and this was all that is
accomplished.

* Never get in a homework battle, no one wins.

* Try to organize a homework buddy–an older child in the neighborhood who can help your child at homework time.

* Empathize with your child about how they are feeling before lecturing them on why homework is important.

* Stay neutral–sometimes kids use power struggles to avoid the work. If you are eager to oblige with an argument you will become part of the avoidance pattern.

* Be careful about negative consequences for not doing homework. If you must consequence, keep it immediate and stick to what you say, i.e. no TV that same evening.

* Try to use positive rewards for good choices and good work habits. Maybe a fun activity you can share together. This can help create good habits and change negative patterns.

* Support the teacher; try not to talk about how there is too much homework. It is important that your child see you supporting the school.

We are all born hardwired for how we handle anxiety, some of us are not anxious at all – some of us are very anxious. In addition to that hardwiring Life events and experiences push us up or down the continuum. Some anxiety is good safe choices but we want to make sure that our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

The best way to determine if your child has a problem with anxiety is to think about whether it is stopping them from doing the things they want to. Does it make them feel badly about themselves? Do they spend a lot of time clinging and crying or if they’re older withdrawing. DO they feel great distress when separating from you? Do they worry way in advance about things that have not happened yet? Do they constantly complain of headaches, stomache aches or dizziness? Any physical symptoms should be checked out by a Doctor but you can ask your child’s paediatrician to investigate anxiety if this is a theme for your child.

Parents should also understand that some children are happy even though they tend to stand on the sidelines. It is not always anxiety some children prefer to observe and take things in tackling tasks or activities when they are ready. It’s important to know when it’s our issue versus theirs.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of, sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

Get Connected: spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.

Fight or Flight Response: When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.

Give it a Name: Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug” for older kids or teens just refer to it as the worry that gets in the way. Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.

Get the Control back: Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control they get nervous about who will take care of them, this aggravates anxiety.

Scaling: get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.

Calm yourself: Sometimes children come by there anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.

Ahh the crazy routines of carpools, programs, homework and early morning scrambles. Living in the fast pace of trying to make everything run like clockwork, can be overwhelming. For many of us the tone of the day is set by the morning, a good morning can start the day off well and make it all seem manageable, a bad day can leave us feeling angry frustrated and frazzled. We then bring these feelings into work with us or carry them with us as we move through our day.

The same is true for our kids, if they walk into school already agitated and upset, they will overreact to little things which can get in the way of learning and positive social experiences. It is really important to have a good morning routine that can help us all start the day out well and get to work or school feeling upbeat.

Not every morning will go perfectly but you can certainly decrease or eliminate the yelling, lecturing and threatening. How many of us get the frantic tone in our voice urging our kids to” get out the door! Hurry up; I’m going to be late! Why do you do this to me every morning?” How many times do we promise ourselves that we won’t let this happen anymore only to find that it does? Here is a plan to help everyone start the day out right.

First, give yourselves lots of time. Whatever you thing you or your children may be getting out of those few extra minutes of sleep is being undone by the rush it will cause later.

Talk to your children and tell them there will be a new morning routine designed to make everyone happier in the morning, and tell them what that new routine will look like. Then the next day if you can wake up before the kids to get dressed have your coffee and read the paper. Once you have had a chance to take care of yourself, wake the kids up earlier than you have been, I usually recommend 30 minutes earlier than usual.

Break the morning up into what I call windows. The first window is your Childs personal time. They can have 20 minutes all to themselves without you telling them what to do. Wake them up warmly with hugs, kisses and kind words. If they love that great, if they grumble and they don’t like it, stay neutral, don’t get mad then calmly leave the room. They can lie in bed; they can go back to sleep, play with toys, read, whatever you normally allow in the morning. After that the next window opens and that may be getting dressed and brushing teeth. It is 15 minutes long you can give them instructions 3 times; when the window opens, to tell them five minutes before it closes and when it has closed.

If they get dressed right away they have more personal time, if they want to play with their toys with one leg in their pants that’s fine too as long as pants are on by the time the window closes. You do not nag or remind in the window. Then they move onto the next window which is eating breakfast. Follow the same rules. Here comes the most important part, the last window is the getting out the door window. It is extremely rare that you can stand at the door at 8:28 and say let’s go and everyone follows you out the door in single file and you are on your way by 8:30. It doesn’t happen. It takes at least 15 minutes generally to get out the door. Leave yourself that time. Tell the kids it is time to go 15 minutes before departure. That way when they can’t find their gym shoes or the hate the shirt they have on and need to change you are calmly waiting at the door knowing you have built in time for this.

If your kids do not accomplish what they needed to during one of the windows they can owe you that 15 minutes back, with a job to do that takes 15 minutes, or by going to bed 15 minutes earlier. Make sure to follow through if that is what you have set up. You can also give positive rewards later if you like, for accomplishing tasks during a window.

Mornings will be much more relaxed and enjoyable, everyone can start the day feeling good, feeling loved and feeling positive.

Give yourself more time

Stay neutral

Don’t nag

If they don’t accomplish what they needed to in one of the windows, stay calm and follow through with the consequence later.

Fill the morning with laughter and cuddles.