Please join Jennifer Kolari for a Friday Morning Book Talk at the Crawford Wells General Store in King City on October 16 from 9:30-11:30 a.m. Refreshments will be served.

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz writes about the importance of making mistakes:

We worry ourselves sick trying to be perfect parents. We think if we get it right we have the power to save our children from heartache. We long for the perfect career that is fulfilling, supports the family and allows us a balanced lifestyle. We struggle to keep up with the latest diets, health and fitness information, ever striving towards our perfect goal-weight. We process volumes of information via the newspaper, TV, the internet, e-mail, voicemail, twits and tweets trying to stay informed. The pressure to be perfect and do it all is mounting, and our children are watching and taking note.

As if we don’t feel inadequate enough we now find ourselves at Yom Kippur literally pounding our chests for all the “sins” we have committed. Is this really what is expected of us? The answer thankfully is NO.

The Hebrew word “chet” which is interpreted as “sin” more accurately means to miss the mark or target. The Hebrew word “t’shuva”, usually translated as “repentance”, is a misnomer. The word actually means, “return”. The objective of Yom Kippur is to take stock of where we missed the target or went off course, and return to our path. The underlying assumption is that we are all good and pure souls, who go off course from time to time, but we get a chance every year to reflect and return to our innate goodness.

We are the species riddled with confusion and doubt, perpetually trying to separate the good from the bad in a world where the two are inextricably intertwined. It’s not an easy job, and nor is it meant to be. We are meant to make mistakes. Without mistakes there is no insight, no learning and no growth. If we look at our mistakes like a flashlight, highlighting where we’ve gone off track, thereby helping us return to the right path, we can be grateful for them as opposed to beating ourselves up over them. We can throw off the shackles of guilt and experience the freedom and expansiveness of forgiveness.

If we can forgive ourselves, it gives us the space to forgive others. Forgiveness is not something we like to give up easily. We hold our grudges and injustices close to our heart, clutching them like a precious pearl for fear that if we give it up we may lose part of ourselves and become less valuable in the process. If we can give ourselves permission to mess up, perhaps we can extend the same generosity to others and especially our children.

In providing this model for our children, we give them permission to be who they are and free them from the anxiety of making their own mistakes. This empowers them with the confidence and resilience to weather the ups and downs of life.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

We get a lot of advice from well-meaning friends and family before baby is born. Some of the advice is excellent, and some, well… it’s a little off. Like my grandmother, for example, who suggested that I let my four-month-old (who she thought was too pale) get some sun to “brown him like a turkey.”

Here’s what I wish people would have had shared with me instead:

I wish someone had told me how much a new baby can challenge your relationship with your spouse. We could have used that knowledge to help us plan and understand one another. There are many similarities between mothers and fathers, but also many differences. These differences can leave you both scratching your heads.

For instance, moms tend to pick their babies up and pull them face in towards their hearts while soothing and cooing. Moms seem to know as if by magic when baby is over-stimulated and just how to cuddle and calm when needed.

On the other hand, dads will more typically hold babies facing out so they can see what’s going on. They are more likely to swing her up high, bounce her around more, and show her the world from different angles. (With mom in the background saying, “Not so high! Don’t spin her, be careful!” )

Moms tend to feel a sudden and intense bond with their babies-it can be so powerful that virtually nothing can compete with it. Research shows that dads tend to bond with their infants more intensely as the baby gets older. He loves his child, of course, but doesn’t always experience the intensity of the relationship right away.

Some dads report feeling a little displaced and unsure of their roles, or even their usefulness, in those early months. Moms often feel overwhelmed. Sometimes after a day of feeding and cuddling, moms may be so exhausted that just when dad wants some time together, mom is asleep.

Here’s what my husband and I learned:

I am not a very good dad, but I’m a great mom. He is not the best mom, but he’s a wonderful dad. We learned to value our own (and each other’s) contributions to our children, and to let our kids experience the best in each of us. We learned that these busy baby days go really fast. That there will be time for each other eventually and that you can find your way together by respecting each other, communicating and not trying to make your partner do everything the way you would do it.

Two teenagers and a five year old later, we’ve also learned to take time for ourselves–walks, dinners, even date nights at home. Remember, this time when your children are young is fleeting; these really are the years you will look back on and miss.

Marsha Jacobson of mychildfeels.com posted a rave review of Connected Parenting:

“Kolari exudes ‘realness’ both as a person and as a parent. … She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.”

Traditional movie ratings haven’t quite done it for me when it comes to choosing a movie for my kids. Even some G-rated movies can have upsetting scenes – for instance, I’ve heard lots of complaints about the demise of Nemo’s mom in Finding Nemo.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader about how to help a child adjust to her first daycare experience.

Jennifer explains that clinging and whining, or defiance and other yucky behavior, during this period of transition are a youngster’s way of expressing that she is unsure about her bond with her parents now that they are spending more time apart.  Kolari advises that it’s important to let your child know that you’ve gotten the message that this is a big deal for them.  You can do this by paying extra attention to the parent-child connection and even babying your child for a few days.  This will reassure her and give her the confidence she needs to become more independent.  When it is time to take your child to daycare, Kolari says, it’s important to send a message of competence, letting your child know that you are confident that they will be OK and making your goodbyes brief.

Indigo and Penguin Group Canada present Jennifer Kolari for a parent talk and book signing. Come and see Jennifer on:

October 18th at 2:00 p.m. at the Chapters in Bayview Village, or

October 25th at 2:00 p.m. at the Indigo in Yorkdale Shopping Centre.

One of my favorite posts on Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist is A case study in staying resilient: My divorce.  Resilience is a big theme around here at Connected Parenting and Penelope Trunk, the self-styled “Queen of Resiliency,” is quite the role model.  Psychology Today seems to think so too.

McNally Robinson Booksellers and Penguin Group Canada present Jennifer Kolari for a parent talk and signing tonight at 7:00 p.m at McNally Robinson Toronto, located at the Shops of Don Mills. Come out and see Jennifer Kolari live!

Parents in the U.S. who are battling with their public schools for special education services recently got a helping hand from the U.S. Supreme Court, which said that they may be able to get reimbursement for private school tuition.

In the case before the Supreme Court, the parents of a boy who had been struggling for years sought help from the school.  Although a school psychologist did some testing and interviewed the student, the psychologist determined that the student didn’t qualify for special education services and that no additional testing was needed. When the student’s struggles intensified, his parents got a private assessment which showed that the student had ADHD and other learning disabilities.  On the advice of their private consultant, they placed their child in a private school for the remainder of high school.  A trial court later found that the public school’s assessment was inadequate because it failed to address ADHD, which was suspected.

Although it’s well established that reimbursement is available for private school tuition when the public school has failed to provide a “free appropriate public education” as required by the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, it was unclear whether reimbursement was a possibility when the student had not previously been receiving public special education services.  The Supreme Court ruled that the school’s refusal to provide an individual education plan (IEP) was even more egregious than providing an inadequate IEP and that it is within a trial court’s discretion to order that the parents be reimbursed for private school tuition.

Here’s the text of the Supreme Court decision if you want to read it.

Audrey Grushcow is a mother of two, a social media consultant and a lawyer/mediator. Audrey will be blogging about news and resources of interest to the Connected Parenting community as well as working to create a vibrant online community of Connected Parents.  Stay tuned . . .

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

You know those delicious moments when you and your child are locked into each other’s gaze-laughing, smiling or just making faces? Those moments when the rest of the world disappears and you’re the parent of the most adorable child on the planet? Few things in life can touch those times, and they are much more than just feel-good moments. These interactions are critical to the parent/child bond and to your baby’s health and development.

All that cooing, copying of your baby’s facial expressions and mimicking her sounds lets her know that she is deeply treasured and understood. We reflect that understanding back by copying and imitating our babies in a wonderful back-and-forth dance throughout our day. Babies love and crave this interaction. All this mirroring calms and soothes them and helps them to feel safe with what is happening around them.

In fact, chemicals are being released in the brain that make your baby feel wonderful and elated, which has a profound impact on her brain. Science now shows that the more pleasant experiences she has, the more her brain specializes for resilience and happiness. Most of the brain’s circuitry is developed after birth, and it is through these intimate connections that neuropathways develop and babies learn to organize and regulate emotions. These are also the building blocks for the development of empathy and social skills.

It’s officially here.  Today marked the first day of school for most kids across the country, and with that comes a lot of excitement, fears and sometimes anxiety.

I was recently interviewed by CityTV’s Cynthia Mulligan about back to school anxiety, and how parents can help their kids through this transition.

To read my tips, check out Cynthia’s blog.