Here’s the second instalment in an unintentional series on Grey’s Anatomy 
Click here and scroll about six minutes in to see Isaac, a lab tech-turned-patient at Seattle Grace, as he assures McDreamy that he has survived war, the loss of his family, and the loss of his country, and that he will survive the loss of his legs if Derek is forced to cut his spinal cord to remove a tumour.
Check out the November issue of Today’s Parent for an article on Positive Things About the Recession by Karan Smith. Karan cites Jennifer’s advice to set a good example for your children, sending kids the message that bad things sometimes happen but that your family will work things out. She also notes Jennifer’s reassurance that saying no to your children can be a good thing, preparing them for the inevitable setbacks in life.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is struggling with her in-laws.
Jennifer advises using her CALM method to de-escalate the conflict, employing mirroring statements to show that you understand your in-laws’ point of view. She explains how mirroring actually causes the release of endorphins and opiates in the brain, calming the person you are talking to. Once you have made at least three mirroring statements, you will be able to set limits or ask for compliance. Although it’s often the last thing you feel like doing, following this approach is the most effective way of communicating in difficult situations. Although the Connected Parenting book discusses using the CALM method with your children, it’s equally effective in dealing with your in-laws, husband, or boss.
Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
If you’re a New York parent enduring the gruelling independent school admissions process, check out the Parents League. My inside source says they are on the ball and even have information about available spaces (from pre-k through grade 12) after the regular admissions process is over. Not surprising since, according to their website:
“[A] team of 10 School Advisors . . . [whose] backgrounds range from former admissions officers to board members and former teachers . . . make regular visits and have regular contact with [their] affiliated schools, which enables them to stay informed and up to date.”
In addition to frequent workshops, League advisors are available for individual consultations and will answer questions by phone as well.
The League is a not-for-profit association of parents and independent schools. To become a member, click here.
Catch Jennifer Kolari on Breakfast Television Vancouver this Monday, October 26! She’ll be discussing why spanking can lower a child’s IQ.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 14-month-old toddler keeps getting into things and then becomes irate when they are taken away from her.
Jennifer explains that at 14 months, children can understand much more than they can express and that this can lead to frustration-induced tantrums. Jennifer advises using her mirroring technique to show your toddler you understand how upset she is and to articulate what’s upsetting her. Mirroring will defuse the meltdowns, decrease your toddler’s sense of frustration and improve her emotional regulation and language skills.
Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
One issue moms often talk to me about is how strongly they react when their older child hurts, or is rough with, the baby. This is really common, especially if the older child is under five. Young kids are often rough with their little siblings–sometimes it is intended and behavioral, and sometimes it’s just because they get really excited and can’t control those big feelings.
Either way, it can make your protective instincts take over and your response can be more intense than you meant it to be.
Safety is important and older siblings must learn to be gentle with baby siblings, but sometimes “blowing up” can lead to more of the very behaviors that made you upset in the first place. They can add to any feelings the older child may have of feeling less important or less loved than the baby. This is not rational, young kids don’t reflect on their behaviors, they just focus on how they feel.
Here are some things you can do:
1. Remember to try and stay neutral, which is very hard, I know. You can be serious and firm, but if you “fly off the handle,” it won’t help.
2. Sit down with your older child every day for some connecting play with her alone. She may even want you to baby her and give her the same kind of attention the baby gets. This is fine and she will not regress permanently. In fact, it can be tremendously helpful and strengthening for your older child.
Pull out baby pictures, her favorite toys or little outfits she wore when she was younger and tell her lots of stories about when she was a baby. This alone may decrease her negative feelings or behaviors regarding the baby.
3. Talk to your older child in a calm moment about the importance of being careful and gentle with the baby and let her know that there will be consequences if she chooses to be rough.
What I like to suggest is an interruption. It’s not a traditional time-out, instead, she is asked to go somewhere else to think for a few minutes and can come back when she is ready to comply. You don’t have to lecture or discuss it when the interruption is over, just welcome her back and repeat the routine until the behavior stops. If you are calm and consistent, it will work.
4. Help your older child make good choices by offering alternate ways to interact with the baby and let her know when you notice her trying to be appropriate. Remember too, that the baby is not made of glass. Babies are pretty tough and, within reason, being squeezed and picked up by siblings is part of living in a family.
Jennifer Kolari will speak at the Indigo in Yorkdale Shopping Centre at 2pm this Sunday, October 25. Stay after the talk to get your book signed and have a chance to chat with Jennifer.
A recent essay by “Neanderdad” on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode explores what happens when a child favours one parent over the other. In Neanderdad’s case, his daughter suddenly insisted that Mommy do bedtime duty, even though it was the household practice to alternate nights and it wasn’t Mommy’s turn. Neanderdad describes his hurt feelings at this inexplicable turn of events and his uncertainty about what to do. While most parents have faced this problem at one time or another, it can be tricky to deal with.
Jennifer Kolari directly addresses the problem in Chapter 13 of the Connected Parenting book. She recommends that parents use her mirroring technique to avoid being defensive and escalating the situation. Kolari advises parents in Neanderdad’s position to say:
“I know you love your mommy. I understand why you want your mommy. Of course you want her: she’s wonderful.”
Kolari explains that this kind of statement “makes you an ally rather than an opponent, and more often than not, at that point the child will simply stop asking for Mommy.”
In Neanderdad’s case, he and his wife decide not to make a big deal about their daughter’s strongly stated preference and to switch nights. When Neanderdad gets ready to leave his daughter’s bedroom, she resists, begging him to stay after all. Because he doesn’t become defensive, the situation doesn’t escalate. In his Neanderdad-ish way, he shows his daughter that he understands that she loves her mommy and lets her know that he won’t get between them.
Gretchen Rubin at the Happiness Project blog has a great post about fun that has interesting implications for planning your family’s leisure time.
Gretchen divides fun into three types: challenging, accommodating, and relaxing. Challenging fun requires you to put in a fair amount of effort to learn something new or work towards a long-term goal, such as learning to play golf. Accommodating fun, involves doing an activity with other people that takes account of what the others will enjoy, such as taking your kids to the zoo. Finally, relaxing fun involves little effort or planning, such as watching TV.
Gretchen explains that challenging and accommodating fun provide the most benefits but also require the most effort:
“Challenging fun and accommodating fun, over the long term, bring more happiness, because they’re sources of those elements that make people happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery, an atmosphere of growth. Relaxing fun tends to be passive—by design.”
But (and there is a but) there’s a kicker: ”while we get more out of challenging fun and accommodating fun, we also must put more into it.”
Being cognizant of these differences can help you be more mindful of the activities you and your kids choose to do, both individually, and as a family. To sneak in more challenging and accommodating fun, Gretchen recommends keeping an eye open for activities that involve:
learning to do something new
visiting new places (even if it’s just a new store)
getting together with other people, whether with friends or strangers
Hopefully, you’ll be getting a nice balance of different kinds of fun. If you find that all or most of the fun in your house is of the relaxing variety, you may want to try to mix it up a bit – even if it’s just in small ways.
Jennifer Kolari will be on Canada AM this Monday morning to discuss the stress of first year university. Be sure to watch!
Come out to hear Jennifer Kolari at the Chapters in the Bayview Village Shopping Mall this Sunday, October 18, at 2pm! Stick around to talk to Jennifer afterwards and get your book signed.
If you haven’t already had a chance to check it out, click here to listen to Jennifer Kolari speak about the parent-child bond on the U.S. nationally-syndicated Parent’s Journal.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a pregnant reader who is anxious about breastfeeding her twins.
Jennifer advises nursing moms to eat well, stay hydrated, and get lots of rest. Ask for and accept help to reduce stress. Pump so others can also feed the babies. Be patient – it takes a while to get the hang of nursing two babies at once. Finally, take the time to connect with your babies by smiling and cooing at them in turn. Connecting with your babies this way will reduce both yours and your babies’ stress.
Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby.]
I promised I would deal with really difficult in-laws, so here we go. This one is not easy. Having a tense relationship with your in-laws can be stressful and can cause major friction between you and your spouse. One of my dear friends refers to her in-laws as her “out-laws” (sometimes all you can do is try to find the humour in a bad situation). The truth is, some grandparents just do not know the first thing about boundaries and they have no idea when to say something–and more importantly, when not to. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, consider yourself blessed. If you don’t…take a breath and read on.
First, really go inward and make sure you’re honestly evaluating your role in the situation. Own any behavior you think may be contributing to the situation and do your best to change it. You don’t even have to tell anyone else, you just need to be honest with yourself.
Next, talk to your partner about your feelings, but remember that no matter how unreasonable your in-laws are being, they are still his parents and criticisms about them can be hard for him to hear. This can lead to fights where both of you sling “yeah, but your parents do this and your mother does that’s” at each other. Make sure to acknowledge his feelings, then let him know that you must be a team on this and that together you need to establish boundaries with your in-laws.
Now it’s time to talk to your in-laws. It’s important this is experienced as a communication, not an attack. I teach parents a technique called mirroring, which works beautifully on kids, but here’s a secret – it works equally well on husbands, parents, and in-laws! Try saying something like, “You have raised a family and have more experience than I do. I also know how much you love your grandchildren. But we are parents now, and we need to figure out how to be the best mother and father we can be, our own way,” which will firmly remind them that this is the way you and your husband do things.
If your in-laws persist and it gets ugly, try to be strong, but stay neutral. As soon as you get defensive or start yelling, they will not reflect on their own behavior and will instead become obsessed with yours. Make your point calmly and concisely, then move on. Don’t get sucked back into the argument. Let them know that you have made your point and heard theirs, but you are moving on. Feelings might be a little hurt for a while, but you will have set an important boundary.
If the relationship becomes unbearable, agree with your spouse to be present for portions of visits, then be busy doing something else. It is important not to cut them off completely–that is hard on the relationship with your spouse and may deprive the kids of valuable grandparent time. You have to make some appearances and be there for important events, but can agree with your spouse to be absent from others.
Remember to take the higher ground–if they are really that difficult, there is probably nothing you can do to change them or to help them gain any insight into their own behavior. In other words, it probably has much more to do with them than you. This will help you to not take it so personally and to treasure the positive supportive relationships you do have in your life.
With the crowded open house season upon us, I wanted to suggest that you take the opportunity to visit the e.p.i.c. School if you have a child going into Pre-K, JK or SK next year. My son has attended e.p.i.c. for the past two years and I can’t say enough great things about the school. The teachers and principal are warm and nurturing, as well as incredibly knowledgeable professionals. The academics are superb but the kids have so much fun. We’ll be sorry to say goodbye when my son graduates from SK in June.
Here are the deets:
Where: e.p.i.c. School, 111 Manor Road East
When: Thursday, October 15, 2009 from 7:00-9:00 pm
RSVP: info@epicschool.com or call 416-489-0132
Check out this clip (scroll forward to about three minutes in) for a great example of empathy that gets Callie her job back at Seattle Grace
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader about what to do when your toddler refuses to let you brush her teeth.
Jennifer advises parents to stay calm and neutral. She recommends trying to desensitize your child, starting by rubbing a little bit of toothpaste on her teeth with your finger and building slowly to full toothbrushing. Finally, it may help to give your child a sense of control by allowing her to choose the toothpaste flavour and a favourite toothbrush.
Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
Last week, we blogged about We Day, a Free the Children initiative that is meant to kick off a year-long plan of action. Two other programs, Project Give Back and Ryan’s Well, also empower children to have an impact. Each of these programs starts with inspirational stories of children who have made a difference and then provides specific training to enable participants to be effective in their own social action projects.
Project Give Back was started by Ellen Schwartz, founder of Jacob’s Ladder, an organization that promotes awareness and supports research for neurodegenerative disease. With Ellen’s experience as a fundraiser and an educator, Project Give Back is a “curriculum based program,” designed to complement a Grade 4/5 language arts curriculum. The program aims “to enhance responsibility and develop a deep seated feeling in one’s self to make a difference in the lives of others.” Students begin their project with Kidspiration, a presentation by a child who has made a difference in the world. Project Give Back participants then research a charity of their choice, plan and implement a fundraiser, and report their activities and results to the charity.
Ryan’s Well Foundation highlights the inspirational story of Ryan Hreljac, who was able to raise enough money to build a well in Uganda by the age of seven. The Foundation’s Youth In Action initiative is based on the belief that:
“Young people can and do make a significant difference in our world. . . . [and through the] program, students will see that they can become active and responsible citizens in their own communities and/or abroad by working cooperatively with their global brothers and sisters.”
Students participating in the program raise money to provide clean water to communities in need.
With the support and training of these programs, kids’ successes provide their own powerful message of empowerment and competence. Check them out and see how you can get your kids and your schools involved.
The November issue of Today’s Parent includes a fabulous article about the Connected Parenting book by Dafna Izenberg. In her Q&A with Jennifer Kolari, Izenberg explores key Connected Parenting concepts such as mirroring, keeping the right amount of tension in the rope connecting you and your child, and baby play. It’s a great overview with lots of anecdotes from Jennifer. Have a look.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
It’s hard enough to navigate the challenges you face with your partner after a new baby, but other relationships can get shaken up as well. Suddenly, getting along with your parents or in-laws can become tricky. My mother is a wonderful mom and a fantastic grandmother, but I do remember a time, just after my first child was born, when she elbowed me out of the way at the change table.
I remember thinking, “Did that just happen?”
I don’t even think she realized it-as my mother, she was used to taking care of me, and taking care of my baby seemed the thing to do. It was hard for her to see me as the mother in this situation and it was an adjustment for her to pull back and support me rather than take over. We had many a blanket war. I would take it off, sure my son would overheat, and she would put it back, certain he would freeze. It took a while for each of us to find our roles and our places.
It can be even more challenging when this battle is playing out with in-laws. Small issues can crop up, such as your baby’s features being attributed exclusively to your partner’s side of the family (as if he was born by immaculate conception), as can bigger issues, like criticizing your parenting or undermining all the work you did to get your child to sleep through the night. This can cause friction between you and your partner too, forcing you to take sides and align with each other or your parents.
The best way to handle these challenges is to remember that most of us work it out and find ways to see the good outweighing the bad. (I’ll deal with problem in-laws in a future blog post-I promise). Grandparents offer a lifetime of wisdom and have already raised their kids to adulthood. If you and your partner disagree on what they have to say, stay neutral-getting mad only escalates things. Listen and reflect back their advice, then make your point. If you’re confident, you will send the message that you hear them, but you and you partner will be making your own choices.
Treasure your baby’s grandparents; the magic, perspective, and history they can bring to your children are incredible gifts. No one can make your child feel as special as a grandparent. You may not always want to hear what grandparents have to say, but their wisdom can be priceless. When it isn’t, find the humour in it. At times, the best thing you can do is shake your head and laugh.
After a very successful event in Vancouver, Toronto is getting ready for its own Free the Children We Day this Monday, Oct. 5.
Featuring “a series of inspirational and motivational speeches by top leadership and social issues activists, speakers and entertainers,” We Day draws thousands of students. Participants makes “a commitment to change,” supported by in-service programs that provide leadership training to help students with their action plan.
We Day Toronto will take place at the Air Canada Centre on Monday, Oct. 5 from 9am – 2pm. The event will be streamed live on CTV.ca.
P.S. If you live in Hamilton, you can attend your own local We Day at Hamilton Place on Nov. 5 from 9am – 2pm.
UPDATE: We Day Toronto was (literally) a roaring success, with 16,000 students in attendance to hear Elie Wiesel, Paul Martin and a surprise performance by the Jonas Brothers.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader about how to recapture the spark after the birth of your child.
Jennifer explains that it is normal for couples to experience some physical distancing when their children are young. She advises couples to take the pressure off and focus on non-sexual touching for a while, make sure to resolve all arguments, and make an effort to be thoughtful to each other.
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