Hunched over the kitchen table with his shoulders glued to his ear-lobes, my seven year-old son, Harrison, dug for dinosaur fossils in a clay block that he’d received as a birthday party present. For three hours, I’d been inhaling red dust and reminding myself why not choosing archaeology as a career had been the right decision.

Five minutes later, Harrison’s eyes burned with the brightness of new knowledge as he discovered that wetting the clay with tap water made it easier to chip away. Wet. Red. Dust.

As humans, we possess the ability to stand upright, certainly after we’ve had our first cup of coffee, but what really separates us from the beasts is that we don’t have to live in muck! And, now, my kitchen, the place in which I cut bagels for my loved ones and sometimes stand sleep-eating potato chips deep into the wee hours of the morning, looked like the aftermath of a mud-wrestling tournament.

While I wanted to share Harrison’s excitement for finding fake fossils, my instincts advised me to haul out the Wet-Vac and simply suck up the entire kitchen. What was I missing?

When I was a kid, the closest I came to messing up the kitchen was working on a vanilla cake recipe in my Easy Bake Oven. I remember that some rogue icing landed on our white counter-top, but my mother didn’t notice. She was too busy ensuring that I didn’t radiate myself with the battery-powered oven.

I was raised to revere cleanliness. Anything involving dirt occurred outside in the garden or sandbox. When my brother and I wanted to work on art projects, we were first required to spread enough newspapers to accommodate a litter of Great Dane puppies. For my birthdays, my friends gave me tidy things such as Little Kiddles, yo-yos and macramé kits.

Now, my own kitchen was in squalor because Harrison’s friend had treated him to the gift of gunk. What was this child’s mother thinking? Had she not memorized the Ten Commandments of Birthday Party Going and Throwing carried down from Mount Consideration: (more…)

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Does your little one wake up before the crack of dawn? Peeling your eyes open and starting your day before your own body clock wants you to is no easy feat.

I am not a morning person. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, waking up is a process. My five-year-old likes to wake me up every morning at 5:45 by diving on my head. “Good morning Mommy! Hi Mommy!!!!!!…” I can’t remember my own name in the morning let alone my parenting skills. This is when I have to fight my hardest to respond and not react. She needs that wake up greeting and she needs me to not be horrible.

My solution? She can quietly watch TV in the next room until she hears my alarm go off. I leave a little snack by the TV and a drink so I can get in those last few minutes of sleep before the busy day starts. This is a significant improvement. When she was very young, I had to wake up because she needed to be supervised and even though my husband and I would share mornings, this was a difficult thing for me.

Here are some survival tips for when you have an early riser:

Stay neutral: If you are going to end up getting up anyway, then do it in a pleasant, or at least neutral, way. Getting up and being miserable doesn’t fix anything and just makes your child feel bad.

Have morning snacks ready: Have some healthy, but quick and easy, snacks ready to stop their tummies from growling. They will play better and be more relaxed, perhaps giving you a few more precious moments with your pillow.

Say what you mean and mean what you say: If your child is old enough to go back to her room and play, or to go back to sleep, and this is something you expect–then no matter what happens, you can’t break your rule and get up. If you do give in and get up, all they have learned is that they have to up the ante, reinforcing negative behavior by showing them you don’t mean what you say.

Take turns sharing the early morning duties. This can at least give you some mornings to catch up on sleep. Even if you are a stay at home Mom, being home with your kids requires stamina and endurance and you need adequate rest for that. Just because your spouse goes off to the office for the day doesn’t mean you should always be the one skimping on sleep. A day at home with the kids often requires more energy than a day at the office.

Prepare a morning toy basket: Keep a basket of new toys, or old ones that your child hasn’t seen in a while, and only have them available in the morning. The novelty of these items might give you that extra few minutes of snooze time.

Remember this too shall pass: Having a child that rises very early in the morning is temporary. Your kids will get to a stage where they can wake up and entertain themselves.

Praise your kids: It is perfectly okay to let your children know that there are times when you have to care for yourself. Thank them for respecting you and letting you rest. It’s good for them and it’s good for you.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is having trouble getting her 10-month-old child to eat meat. Jennifer advises mixing pureed meat with familiar vegetables and then staying neutral when you offer it to your baby. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Jennifer Kolari will be on CTV News tonight talking about how to handle holiday stress and excitement. Catch her again tomorrow if you miss tonight’s show.

Check out the Fall 2009 issue of Think Magazine for Jennifer Kolari’s article about the emotional equipment your child needs for a successful day at school. To be able “to focus, to understand, to learn; and to experience social, academic and emotional success” at school, your child needs rest, resilience, confidence, joy, a willingness to make mistakes, love, trust, understanding, empathy and peace of mind. Have a look at the the full article (scroll to the second page). Enjoy!

As we celebrate our families this Thanksgiving, here are five techniques to be thankful for from the Connected Parenting book:

5. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Consistent limits give your child a sense of security. They know that someone is looking out for them.

4. Staying neutral. Staying neutral keeps a difficult situation from escalating, avoids rewarding bad behavior with negative attention, and allows you to think more clearly.

3. Connected play. Cuddling, looking into your child’s eyes, or looking at baby pictures with your child all cause your child’s brain to release endorphins, making them feel calm and happy.

2. Mirroring. Use the CALM method to connect with your child, match his affect, and really listen to what your child is trying to tell you to create genuine mirroring.

1. Making your child feel delicious. Most of all, be thankful for your wonderful child who loves you to pieces.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A friend of mine turned me on to a terrific new site for moms called The Skinny Scoop which allows you to ask questions (get the “skinny”) or answer questions (give the “scoop”) on any subject. Lots of fun and super helpful when you want to poll other moms about things like the going rate for the tooth fairy, whether you really need a diaper bag, or how much you should tip when you order takeout from a restaurant. It’s also fun to be able to share your hard-earned wisdom – what else can you do with all your toddler birthday party ideas once your kids are in elementary school?

Check out this interview with Gabor Maté in the Toronto Star. Maté explains how parental connection produces physical changes in a child’s brain:

“The physiology of the child is shaped by the emotional condition of parents, by the environment in which the child grows up. The brain is hungry for dopamine and endorphins to feel good… Love makes us high. A child looks into the eyes of a nurturing parent and experiences a surge of endorphins.” (Emphasis added.)

Maté will be speaking on Navigating Stress: Caring for Oneself While Serving Others at a sold-out workshop at the Trauma and Resiliency Centre in Toronto this Monday, Nov. 30.

Check out Jennifer Kolari’s latest post at My Child Feels discussing childhood anxiety, what to watch for, and what to do if your child is anxious.

You may also be interested in Jennifer’s recent post about Swine Flu Anxiety.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is having trouble weaning her 17-month-old son from breastfeeding.

Jennifer advises gradually cutting back on daytime feedings and leaving the nighttime feeding for last. She emphasizes that it’s important to give extra snuggles and comfort but not to give in no matter how much he cries. Giving in rewards the crying and will only make your child unhappier because he will cry more to get what he wants.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Jacqueline Green has a great post about the standoffishness that often welcomes you home after you’ve been travelling. As Jacqueline explains, this chilly reception results from frustration when you’re separated from someone you’re attached to. After discussing this phenomenon with Jennifer Kolari, Jacqueline decided to try reconnecting with her daughter using “baby play.”

As Jennifer explains in chapter 3 of the Connected Parenting book, “baby play is a way to let children know they are still your babies and to redo some … attachment bonding … that may have unravelled along the way.” Baby play can include snuggling in bed together in the mornings, tickling, rubbing noses, or looking into each other’s eyes. It even works with older children. As Jacqueline explains:

“Baby play is more about the mood you create than doing a specific action. [One] way of doing what Kolari calls baby play is to go over old photos with your child… If you identify what you are already doing that qualifies as baby play, then the trick is to intentionally apply it when your child needs it most.”

To read Jacqueline’s full post, click here.

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

An article in the December issue of the Atlantic reports on a new theory that genes that predispose people to anxiety, depression, and behavioural problems, also seem to endow people with enormous potential. According to this “orchid hypothesis”:

“[B]ad genes can create dysfunction in unfavorable contexts—but they can also enhance function in favorable contexts. The genetic sensitivities to negative experience … are just the downside of a bigger phenomenon: a heightened genetic sensitivity to all experience.”

According to the theory, most children are “dandelions” who will thrive just about anywhere; but some children are “orchids” who will ”wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

A growing body of research supports this proposition, showing that “orchid” children actually surpass their “dandelion” counterparts when exposed to positive interventions.  For example, one study showed that children with a genetic predisposition to ADHD improved their behaviour significantly more in response to positive intervention than did their peers without the predisposition.

The orchid hypothesis provides a powerful explanation for an evolutionary puzzle:

“If variants of certain genes create mainly dysfunction and trouble, how have they survived natural selection? … [A]bout a quarter of all human beings carry the best-documented gene variant for depression, while more than a fifth carry the variant that … is associated with externalizing, antisocial, and violent behaviors, as well as ADHD, anxiety, and depression.”

According to the orchid hypothesis, “orchid” children perform an invaluable evolutionary function:

“The many dandelions in a population provide an underlying stability. The less-numerous orchids, meanwhile, may falter in some environments but can excel in those that suit them. … Together, the steady dandelions and the mercurial orchids offer an adaptive flexibility that neither can provide alone. Together, they open a path to otherwise unreachable individual and collective achievements.”

Orchids raised in the right environment accelerate evolutionary progress and adaptation.

The takeaway? Parenting is crucial.

“With a bad environment and poor parenting, orchid children can end up depressed, drug-addicted, or in jail — but with the right environment and good parenting, they can grow up to be society’s most creative, successful, and happy people.”

H/T to @switchedonmom.

Other posts about the Orchid Hypothesis:

Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

“Jack was so mean to me. I HATE Grade One!”

“What happened?” I asked. My son, Harrison, and I were walking to the corner for hot chocolate after school. Well, I was walking and he was stomping.

“Jack told me I sound like a girl.”

More like Elmo on crack, I thought, and only when you’re excited.

I tried to think of something wise to say. Jack needs to have his hearing checked. Jack really likes you and is just trying to get your attention. Nothing, I knew, would calm my youngest son’s indignation.

Since the start of school, Harrison had experienced problems with Jack, ten months his senior. With three older siblings to guide him, Jack was savvier than my son and their constant clashing made school an unpleasant experience for Harrison, and by extension, for me. How could I teach my boy to get along with this other child? If I didn’t give him some sharp tools soon, Grade One was going to blow like a puffer fish and school would become a dreaded event like going for a flu shot or even worse, shopping for Mommy in a ladies store without a “Gameboy chair”.

I had met Jack and talked to him during pick-ups. He didn’t strike me as a malevolent kid, just rambunctious. Jack wanted to be my son’s friend. He often asked me if Harrison could play after school. But, Harrison didn’t want to hang out with the same boy who had once smacked him in the face for no apparent reason and who today, had humiliated him by comparing his voice to that of the girliest girl in their class.

“Yesterday, Jack dumped my pencil crayons on the floor,” said Harrison. His teacher had intervened, but when a tearful Jack apologized, Harrison took his revenge by laughing.

“That wasn’t very sporting,” I observed.

“But, he started it, Mom. Jack always starts it. He’s my enema.”

I sucked down my laughter. “You mean he’s your enemy.” I would have to remember to rebuke my older son who sometimes liked to teach Harrison the wrong words for his own amusement.

By now, we’d reached our local Starbucks. I settled my son at a table that I could watch from my place in line and stood remembering my own childhood enema.

(more…)

Check out Marc Kielburger, co-founder of Free the Children, discussing child labor on the Colbert Report a couple of days ago. Scroll forward to 5:20 to see his segment.

H/T to @ourkidsnet.

For related posts, check out We Day Toronto is Coming! and Programs Empower Kids to Help.

Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a parent who suspects that her daughter may be gifted at My Child Feels:

Jennifer explains that in gifted children, the left brain, which is logical, mathematical and reasonable, understands too much. The right side of the brain, which regulates emotion, can’t cope with it all. To help gifted children learn to manage their big emotions, Jennifer advises using the CALM technique she discusses in the Connected Parenting book (which includes a section devoted to gifted children). Try to understand your child’s feelings, even if those feelings seem unreasonable, as well as spending extra time cuddling and connecting.

Read Jennifer’s full response at My Child Feels.

I was born and raised in Montreal. I have been living in Toronto since 1994. I completed my Bachelor of Social Work at McGill and then pursued my Master of Social Work at U of T. I live with my husband and two children; a boy aged 5 and girl aged 3.

When I am stumped in my own parenting-I either pick up my Connected Parenting book (otherwise referred to in our home as the bible) or call Jennifer Kolari for advice. I am never steered wrong and have always found that when I get back on track with my own connected parenting, so too does the overall climate in my home and well-being of my kids.

I have worked at Jewish Family and Child Service, where I was the social worker for youth and special needs children who were living in foster or group care. I worked predominantly with high needs and at-risk children and adolescents.

I wanted to further expand my clinical and therapy skills so I then worked at Integra, a children’s mental health centre for children and youth with learning disabilities. This is where I had the great fortune of meeting Jennifer Kolari and where my Connected Parenting journey all started.

After Integra I worked at the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) and again worked with at-risk children and youth and their families. It was during my time at the TDSB that I also began my own family. After having my second child I decided to join Jennifer Kolari on a full-time basis at Connected Parenting where I have been ever since.

I love the work that I do: the Connected Parenting model inspires me and does not cease to excite and amaze me. I feel passionate about it and, from both first hand as well as through clients’ experiences, know how important and helpful a model it is.

When I am not working I spend a lot of time with my family; enjoying my children and sharing countless “moments” with my husband and kids. We love the city we live in and often explore and take advantage of many of the fun things to do in Toronto. We love being outdoors and also spend a lot of time playing at the park, collecting bugs and worms and other things from nature.

Jennifer Kolari will speak to parents at Branksome Hall tomorrow evening at 7:30pm. This event is open to the public. See you there!

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Ah, the public tantrum–don’t you love those? It can be mortifying when your little one throws herself on the floor screaming and you feel like the whole world is judging your parenting skills.

Some kids know they can use these public fits to get what they want, others are just tired or over stimulated and don’t know what else to do. Either way, it is so important to handle the situation properly, to ensure that the moment becomes a thing of the past–and to make sure that, in the future, your child will be able to regulate her behaviour when you go out.

The first thing we all need to remember is that talking through your teeth and “whisper screaming” (as one child I worked with called it), is not an effective way to handle a tantrum. While we may think that this tactic is less obvious to those around us, it usually has the exact opposite effect. The key is to forget about what others think and react in public the same way you would at home. Just say to yourself “Ok, here we go, everyone enjoy the show.” The child will learn there is not a difference between outside and inside the home. My recommendation in either setting is to be neutral–yelling never works. Stay calm as you try to respond to the behaviour.

Before you even get into a tantrum situation, frontload your child so they know what will happen if they behave a certain way, help them to make a good choice and above all follow through–don’t make threats that you will not follow through on.

For example, on your way to the mall, empathize with them and say, “You’re going to see all kinds of awesome toys and things you really want, but we are buying a present for your cousins, okay?” They will likely agree until you are in the store and they see something they want. This is where you will get that feeling in your stomach where you think “oh no, here we go, I really don’t want to deal with this.” Breathe through this feeling and ready yourself. Never fear the tantrum, it always makes things worse.

As things escalate, make a couple of mirroring statements: “that is such a cool toy; that’s the one you saw on TV; I get why you want it because it’s so cool.” In my book Connected Parenting, I describe how to mirror using the CALM technique. Essentially, mirroring is a therapist’s technique that helps create a safe place for the child, builds resilience and increases compliance. It is also an effective tool to help children organize and regulate their emotions.

If she still escalates, just tell her you have tried to understand, but that she cannot have the toy. Tell her to go ahead and have a fit and you will wait for her to finish. I love this technique because they will often not meltdown because you have paradoxically allowed it.

The final thing to try is what I call an intervention. Go to the mall or restaurant–not for a nice meal or to do some shopping–but for the sole purpose of leaving if they meltdown. Follow the steps above and then leave if you have to. You won’t be upset because you were prepared to leave anyway and they will learn that you mean business. You will definitely enjoy a peaceful outing next time.

You may be interested in a related post, Tantrums.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose nineteen-month-old son has been clinging to his father and acting out when he doesn’t get his father’s immediate attention.

Jennifer explains that this behaviour is common and may result from attachment worries, especially if the parent travels frequently or works long hours. Jennifer notes that trying to keep Dad away can exacerbate the situation, causing the child to escalate in protest. Instead, she recommends that Mom use her mirroring technique, saying: “You want Daddy, you see me all the time and it’s Daddy you want, you love Daddy, I love him too, I can see why you want to be with him.” This will show your child that you understand both his message and its urgency. Jennifer also suggests that Dad spend about half an hour of focussed time with his child as soon as he arrives home. After this, the child will usually feel they’ve gotten what they need and will accept it when Dad moves on to another activity. If they don’t, or if Dad isn’t immediately available on occasion, use mirroring statements to calm the child. Finally, Jennifer advises that Mom spend several minutes once or twice a day on baby play with her child so that their bond doesn’t get frayed while dealing with all the “Daddy meltdowns.”

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner. You may also want to read our related post: When Kids Play Favourites.

A new iPhone app, designed by Harvard grad student Matt Killingsworth, is designed to help you find out what makes you happy. Track Your Happiness uses e-mail or text message notifications to ask you how you are feeling and what you are doing several times a day. You decide how often you want to be cued (between 3 and 5 times a day).

After enough data is collected (50 surveys), you receive a Happiness Report that tells you “how your happiness varies depending on what you are doing, who you are with, where you are, what time of day it is, and a variety of other factors.” Killingsworth, who works with Daniel Gilbert of the Hedonic Psychology Lab, designed the app as part of a doctoral research project to collect real-time data on what factors makes people happy.

Want to try it out? Click here. Could also be used by your favourite teenager . . .

Several years ago I worked for the Toronto District School Board as a social worker assigned to several downtown schools in Toronto’s poorest communities. I had the privilege of meeting some wonderful families and some truly amazing kids. There was one child, however, who really stood out. Neola – there was just something about her.

I first met her when she was in grade 4 at Lord Dufferin Public School. She was full of spunk, smart as a whip and incredibly funny. People were drawn to her. She was remarkable. I met with her weekly, kept a close eye on her and got to know this incredible person.

Neola’s life was not easy. Her father worked long hours every night and had to sleep every day. Neola was often alone; her siblings with their own issues often didn’t have time for their little sister. I remember on one occasion Neola had missed a few days of school and when she came back she looked terrible. She had lost weight, she looked exhausted and she told me how sick she had been with a very high fever and the stomach flu. I asked Neola who took care of her. She said “no one.” She took her own temperature and made her own soup and lay there alone and scared. She was nine years old. Can you imagine your own child spending days home alone and caring for themselves while very ill?

On another occasion Neola came to school with her finger swollen to three times its size with an open wound. She had cut herself opening a can a couple of days before. No one took her to the doctor; no one told her she needed stitches. A caring teacher from her school took her to the hospital. Neola never complained, she never cried and even as a young child always maintained her dignity and her sense of humour.

I left the Board in 2004 to go on maternity leave and ended up focusing on my private practice and did not return to the TDSB. I loved that job and I still miss it but I never forgot Neola. I have kept in touch with her over the years and so has that caring teacher who took her for stitches.

Neola is very special. As a teen she advocated on her own to go into care with Children’s Aid because she knew she needed support. She has been living in foster homes and group homes ever since. She has had a tough time but has stayed in school and maintained a good average.

Neola now has an amazing opportunity. She is a finalist in the Miss Teen Canada-World pageant. As Neola explains:

This pageant is not based on beauty or having a commercialized appearance. This competition is about defining your own beauty and discovering the most appropriate role model to not only represent, but to inspire teenagers nationwide. This pageant is about taking initiative, empowering others, and rising above and beyond one’s true potential. Along with the opportunity to enhance public speaking and marketing skills, the title of Miss Teen Canada is accompanied by a prize of twenty-five thousand dollars, missions with the Free the Children Foundation, and inevitably, gateways to a wider variety of universities.

This would be a wonderful opportunity for Neola but she cannot afford to enter the pageant without help. The costs for travel and clothing are too great. There are many ways you can help her. You can give advice and support. You can suggest places where she can find the things she will need at lower prices. You may have a beautiful gown that could be altered. You could donate money to a fund that I will be setting up for her to make this experience possible. If you are interested in helping this remarkable girl please e-mail me directly at Jenniferkolari@connectedparenting.com.

In future posts I will let people know how things are going with Neola, whether she makes it to the pageant and, if so, how she does. I would love for Neola to know that she is not alone, that people do care and that as a community we can help her participate in this incredible opportunity.

Driving Charlie and Harrison home from school, I felt my patience splintering like a wooden spoon in a fresh carton of ice cream.

“You guys know the rules”, I said. “You can’t say a body part in public if it’s not one you possess.”

“But, we aren’t in public,” said my son, Harrison, his serious eyebrows raised in pyramid formation. “We’re in your car.”

“My car in on a public road that’s paid for by public taxes WHICH MAKES IT PUBLIC!” I declared. I felt momentarily brilliant until I remembered with whom I was debating. Harrison was only six.

“Let’s just do our chant,” whispered Charlie, my thirteen year-old son. And, so it began.

Harrison: Vajeen . . . .

Charlie: Ahhhh.

Harrison: Vajeeeeen . . .

Charlie: Ahhhhhhh.

Their raucous laugher shot through the open sunroof like a geyser and I felt grudgingly proud of their creativity. They’d found a way to be renegade without breaking the law. Still, this was Mom’s law they were skirting here – and in pants. How would I keep the promise I made to raise respectful men? (more…)

Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari is set to join the board and camp standards committee of Camp to Belong. CTB is an organization that reunites siblings who have been placed in separate foster, adoptive or kinship homes. Summer camp and year-round programs are specifically designed to nurture sibling bonds. Host camps across the United States and in Australia work with CTB to give siblings a “safe, neutral, week-long camp environment to create childhood memories together.”

When Jennifer heard about Camp to Belong and spoke with founder Lynn Price, she immediately saw a way to contribute. Jennifer’s Connected Parenting philosophy and her CALM method were born out of her experience in group homes early in her career. Jennifer can’t wait to work with CTB to implement the Connected Parenting model and to enhance their existing programming!

Check out this clip of a Today’s Parent Minute on 680 news. Today’s Parent Editor in Chief, Caroline Connell, discusses the Connected Parenting book and Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique!

Jacqueline Green at Great Parenting Practices has written an amazing review of the Connected Parenting book. She calls Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique “the best technique [she's] encountered in ten years of parenting education.”

Remember the classic Tom Lehrer song about the elements?

Well, there’s a new game in town:

The budding scientists at my house are big fans.

P.S. They also like the other songs on the album, Here Comes Science, by They Might be Giants.

Jennifer Kolari will be speaking to parents at the Downtown Jewish Day School on November 9 at 7:30 p.m. This event will be open to the public. Hope to see you there!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose friend is dying.

Jennifer explains how hard it is to be strong for a dying loved one while we experience our own fear and sadness at the prospect of losing them. She notes that our sadness is an emotion that can run deep and connect to other times in our lives when we have been sad, which can make the sadness feel overwhelming or like it will never let up. Jennifer stresses that as difficult as it is to experience such profound sadness, the only way out is by walking through the pain, no matter how difficult. Leaning on friends, family, faith or a counselor can help. Bereaved Families of Ontario is a great resource. Most importantly, although it’s hard to imagine when you are going through it, you have to remember that things will get easier with time.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Writer Robin Stone’s column, Is it Just Me? makes its debut at Connected Parenting today, with this piece about answering tough questions.

“Mommy, what does G-d look like?”

Six year-old Harrison and I lay in his bed watching the ceiling fan make its clockwise rotations. On another night, he had asked me why the fan didn’t move in the opposite direction. Once, he wanted to know if there was any species in which the “man animal” has the babies.

When I can’t answer Harrison’s questions from my own teeming intelligence, I tell him, “we’ll ask Google”, but there is no Googling G-d and I began to sweat a river.

“I’m not sure what G-d looks like, Harrison.”

“But, what do you THINK, Mommy?” he asked with a dash of desperation.

What did I think? G-d’s appearance was a subject that made my brain hurt. At forty-nine, I still wasn’t sure how to explain what I believed. I owed Harrison honesty, but what was I going to say? That G-d is a guy some people made up to keep us all from killing each other over a clay cup of chicken fat? Or, “Sorry, kid. You live, you die and that’s all there is.” I wanted to ensure Harrison’s spiritual comfort, but the notion of saying that G-d resembled Dumbledore, the benevolent headmaster in the Harry Potter movies, left me hotly uncomfortable.

So, I did what all conscientious parents do when they don’t know what to say: I procrastinated. “Honey, it’s sleepy-time. I promise we’ll discuss this tomorrow.” (more…)