For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

Thanks for the recommendation @sarawinterspks

Thx for RT @gummylump: RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: Are You Worried About Playing Favorites? http://ow.ly/16rcBi

LOL! RT @FlyontheCWall: long division rap! http://bit.ly/aydbLG

Four-week in-depth workshop on Connected #Parenting this February! Details here. http://bit.ly/7zenAK

@KarenNemethEdM Thanks for the #FF love!

Join me at the e.p.i.c School to discuss Connected #Parenting tomorrow evening at 7pm. It’s open to the public http://bit.ly/axeVnO

A giant thank you to @BrendaNixon for hosting me on the Parent’s Plate today and to all of you who joined us! http://bit.ly/cetkR7

LOL RT @sarawinterspks: Us too. Could kiss Cindy Smolkin square on the mouth for that one…he’s a different kid! @Jenniferkolari

So glad! RT @sarawinterspks After a few months @ Connected Parenting my son is making huge strides with anxiety http://tinyurl.com/yk63uod

Thanks for the recommendation! RT @Hip_M0M: San Diego Maternity & Newborn Photography: http://is.gd/717sd

Thanks for RT about my appearance on the Parent’s Plate tomorrow @KarenNemethEdM

RT @DeborahMersino: What topic would you most like to discuss for our #gtchat on Friday, Jan 29? Vote now. http://twtpoll.com/j5zyxa#gifted

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is wondering whether it’s a good idea to get a dog when you have three children under the age of 5. Jennifer agrees that pets can teach children about empathy and unconditional love but cautions that, based on her personal experience, they usually end up being a lot of work for the parents. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Great Teachers. A great teacher can make all the difference in your child’s life. I know. My kids have had the incredibly good fortune of having some really terrific teachers. According to an article in The Atlantic, Teach for America has been gathering data for more than 10 years and has started to pinpoint some of the key attributes of a great teacher and to use that information to improve the selection and training of its teachers.

Expertise and Perseverance. Penelope Trunk has a post up this week discussing the idea that expertise results from almost daily hard work over a period of at least ten years and not as a result of innate talent. These are the same ideas behind Malcom Gladwell’s theory of Outliers. To me, this discussion raises all kinds of questions about what might motivate someone to spend so much focussed time on a pursuit — and to persevere when they encounter failure. At least part of the answer was offered by Jennifer Kolari last week in her post about helping children succeed.

It Made My Day. I also spent way too much time this week reading this website, which collects little snapshots of things that made someone’s day (h/t to Gretchen Rubin of the Happiness Project). Love this one:

My 3 year old was playing with her LeapPad and in a cheerful voice it instructed, “Push the green GO circle and have fun.” She replied quite seriously, “Don’t tell me what to do.” IMMD

What have you been reading?

Tune in to CBC Radio 1 tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m. to hear Jennifer Kolari on Fresh Air. For anyone whose progeny allow them to sleep in on the occasional Saturday morning, the interview will be available here if you miss it the first time around. Enjoy!

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Some parents find they feel closer to one child than the other, which can cause terrible guilt and a great deal of stress. We can’t choose our children and their different personalities can mesh–or–clash with our own. It’s not easy when we feel an easy love for one child, and a love that takes more work for another.

Sometimes this just has to do with personality–we often get frustrated by the traits in our children that we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes we react to behaviors and tendencies our children have that remind us of things we don’t like about our spouse, or a relative we have trouble getting along with. And as we react to our children, they often act out in return–often exaggerating the behaviors we dislike the most.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to protect your relationship with your child and to ensure that things do not become more challenging between you–or to repair the damage if they already have.

• Make sure to spend special connecting time with this child for a few minutes every day.

• Make sure you tell your child what you admire or appreciate about them, taking special note of things they did that were positive that day.

• Make sure to cuddle and be nurturing to them every day. Stroke their cheeks, look into their eyes and make them feel delicious. Do this even if it’s a struggle–it will help the bond and improve behavior.

• Write them little notes to leave in their lunch, or on their bedroom door.

• Use humor and jokes to bond and enjoy one another. Take time to be silly and playful.

• Catch yourself if you spend more time with one child over the other, or if you speak to one child in a gentler way. If they are complaining about it, there may be a reason.

• Be aware of overcompensating (or protecting one child over the other if you notice your spouse favoring one child).

• Find and celebrate the strengths in all your children. Traits that make them a challenge to parent may make them strong and competent adults one day.

• Don’t beat yourself up, just because you are a parent does not mean you are not a human being. It is normal to react to difficult behaviors. And if you do overreact, you can always go back and repair.

Feeling this way does not make you a bad person or a bad parent, it just means you are reacting to a dynamic and that it is important to be aware of that and to be aware of your contribution to that dynamic. If they push you away or reject you, try not to act hurt. Respond in a neutral way and try again later, or try something more subtle, like finding a cute picture of them and talk about how adorable they are in it. Remember every child needs to feel loved and lovable; it is the single most protective thing in terms of good emotional and social health.

It is also important to realize that the child, whom you feel like giving that nurturing attention to the least, is the one who needs it the most.

You may recall that back in October I recommended that anyone looking for a great nursery/kindergarten check out the e.p.i.c. School open house. As I said at the time, we’ve had an amazing experience at the school. This Thursday, January 28, from 1-3:30 p.m., prospective parents can see the school in action.

After you’ve tucked the kiddies into bed, head back to e.p.i.c. at 7:00 p.m. to see Jennifer Kolari speak at e.p.i.c.’s Parent Education Night, which is open to the public. Tickets can be purchased at the door for $10. Don’t miss out!

e.p.i.c. is at 111 Manor Rd. E. at the corner of Manor and Redpath. Contact the school at info@epicschool.com or call 416-489-0132.

Don’t miss out on hearing Jennifer Kolari discuss the Connected Parenting book on the Parent’s Plate with Brenda Nixon today at 10am!

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @SueScheff: RT @micheleborba: Kids plugged in 7 1/2 hrs a day: 5 tips to unplug http://bit.ly/8I6GhM #parenting <- Gr8 Stuff!

Four-week in-depth workshop on Connected #Parenting this February! Details here. http://bit.ly/7zenAK

Audio books too RT @DeborahMersino: RT @joelmcintosh “Netflix” of kids books-unlimited access to 28,000 children’s books http://bit.ly/fNRVx

RT @DeborahMersino: Congrats to All Who Participated in Inaugural #gtchat! New Ingeniosus Blog post w/links http://bit.ly/P1Z1N

Great ideas! RT @BrendaNixon: Child’s Play – You Can Buy, Make or Borrow Suitable Toys http://tinyurl.com/ylyzlze #parents #parenting

Gr8 idea! RT @auntiesaraspks: Have you guys heard about this clothing co. for people with sensory issues? Brilliant. http://bit.ly/2oLrce

RT @auntiesaraspks: OK. still figuring out RT. Dying to see this! HBO+Temple Grandin+Claire Danes…super interesting. http://bit.ly/70fCGZ

RT @Educhatter: York Region Board in Toronto Region cited in The Globe&Mail for newer, better schools, making Richmond Hill top magnet city

RT @bweikle: We’ve got the winning story from the “Munsch at home” contest! http://bit.ly/7Mn1jY @ABC_Canada Jan. 27 is Family Literacy Day

RT @HappyHealthyHip: Don’t miss @jenniferkolari on The Parent’s Plate, Tuesday 1/26 at 10am (EST):http://toginet.com/shows/theparentsplate

What a great project! RT @ourkidsnet: New on our blog: Girls Talk Science http://bit.ly/8oly5K

Home from presenting in Arizona, the sun felt great but not as good as the cuddles from my kids!

More on the importance of play http://bit.ly/7DH8de RT @BrendaNixon: Why imaginary play is powerful http://bit.ly/6XekIn #parents

RT @parentingsummit: Love is the drug that kids need. ~@JenniferKolari audio replay of r interview. Check it out. here: http://bit.ly/5MESil

Good luck @melisbaz! Hang in there!!!

RT @happyhealthyhip: Powerful testimonial about the Connected Parenting method: http://bit.ly/CP_testimonial

Jennifer Kolari will be discussing the Connected Parenting book on the Parent’s Plate with Brenda Nixon on January 26, 2009 at 10am.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has a limited diet and does not like to try new foods. Jennifer explains that it’s important to stay neutral – don’t get too upset when your child doesn’t want to eat something and don’t have a parade for them when they do. It doesn’t take long for a child to learn that his or her eating behavior can really push your buttons. Jennifer suggests calmly continuing to offer different foods, modelling trying new foods yourself, and allowing your child to get used to new foods slowly. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.

This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.

Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.

These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.

Here’s what to do:

• Stay Neutral. This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.

• Empathize. This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.

• Don’t lecture. If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.

• Don’t have a parade. If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.

• Watch your agenda. Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.

• Don’t compare. Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.

• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.

• Talk about their brain. When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly

During the December break, we convince ourselves to have a wonderful time even if it kills us. Worries about money, careers, grades and weight are tucked away in a mental safe which can’t be penetrated for a full two weeks. The padding is family, friends, food and much needed rest. We also lose track of regular time.

Alas, the holiday has a beginning and an end. Eventually, reality knocks and the door to our tribulations is opened wide, flexing its maw like a hungry alligator. What do you do when December’s twinkling lights revert to the harsh fluorescence of winter? How do you feel when the ruts grab your wheels again and spin them without forward motion? Do you sink or do you dog-paddle?

By a fortunate turn, my family was able to leave Toronto for a few days, traveling north to the hinterland – with access to indoor swimming and plumbing, heat, food, ping-pong and a spa. Okay, we weren’t exactly roughing it in the bush although the temperature did dip to frost-bite lows on the same day that I signed up to drive a dogsled through the woods.

For those of you having a “so, what?” moment, please note that I have always nurtured a terror of canines as well as a fright of doing anything that might compromise my body. Hence, there has been no bungee-jumping or white water rafting on my life resume, nor have I started my own dog-walking business. But, I thought it was time to at least face a fear or two. Overcoming them would be a benefit but not necessarily a goal. The point was to trust me with myself and to maybe recover some personal power. (more…)

Check out Thefuntheory.com, a site that aims to prove that “fun is the easiest way to change people’s behavior for the better.” Here’s my favorite one:

Obviously, this works well with kids too. According to a New York Times article about the Tools of the Mind program, which is meant to promote self-regulation:

“[C]hildren acting out a dramatic scene can control their impulses much better than they can in nonplay situations. In one experiment, 4-year-old children were first asked to stand still for as long as they could. They typically did not make it past a minute. But when the kids played a make-believe game in which they were guards at a factory, they were able to stand at attention for more than four minutes.”

Remember how much more willing you were to eat your veggies when they were laid out in the shape of a funny face? Dropping your sister off at school is so much more exciting when you pretend you are going on a road trip. And, of course, clean-up time always goes more smoothly when you turn it into a race to see who can do their assigned task fastest.

Got any suggestions to make routine or unpleasant tasks go more smoothly by adding a bit of fun?

Get a chance to work with Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari this February with a 4-week Parenting Workshop in Toronto.  The workshop will build your skills with material from the Connected Parenting workshop, the Connected Parenting Advanced Strategies workshop, and the Parenting with Brains workshop.

Here are the deets:

Dates: Wednesday evenings, February 3, 10, 17 and March 3, 2010
Times: 7:30-9:00 p.m.
Where: Armour Heights Community Centre, 2140 Avenue Rd., Toronto
Cost: $250 for an individual or $300 for a couple

To register, contact Rebecca Lindsay at info@connectedparenting.ca or 416-781-4700.

Check out a more detailed description of the workshop: after the jump

@JacquelineGreen over at Great Parenting Practices posted a great piece yesterday discussing how she used mirroring to solve a recurring conflict between her children. Once her daughter felt understood, the solution quickly followed. Head over and read the whole story.

As we rush around in our busy lives, it’s important to remember to play. If you need inspiration, check out this TED Talk about the importance of play by Stuart Brown of the National Institute for Play (NIFP):

According to Brown, “nothing lights up the brain like play,” and “play has a biological place just like sleep and dream do.”

According to the NIFP, there are 7 patterns of play:

• Attunement Play
• Body Play and Movement
• Object Play
• Social Play
• Imaginative and Pretend Play
• Storytelling-Narrative Play
• Transformative-Integrative and Creative Play

Each type of play has an important function, but most relevant to the Connected Parenting model is attunement play, which seems to roughly correlate to the “baby play” or “connected play” discussed in the Connected Parenting book. This is what the NIFP has to say about attunement play:

“When an infant makes eye contact with her mother, each experiences a spontaneous surge of emotion (joy). The baby responds with a radiant smile, the mother with her own smile and rhythmic vocalizations (baby talk).  This is the grounding base of the state-of-play. It is known, through EEG and other imaging technologies, that the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control is “attuned” in both infant and mother.”

As Jennifer Kolari explains in Connected Parenting, attunement/connected play continues to be important even when your child is no longer a baby. Parents can engage in connected play with older children by cuddling, looking at old baby pictures together and looking into eachother’s eyes. Check out this post to learn more about connected play.

Do you engage in attunement/connected play with your child? What is your favourite connected play activity?

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose son made the switch to big boy underwear but started to suffer setbacks after a couple of weeks when the novelty of his potty rewards wore off. Jennifer advises that absolute neutrality is key, avoiding celebration when things go well and anger and upset when things go badly. Jennifer explains that making a big deal can make kids anxious or teach them that potty behavior is a great way to push our buttons. Finally, Jennifer recommends going back to pull-ups, reassuring your child that it’s OK if they aren’t ready for underwear and that they will be one day. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

In case you missed it, you can catch a recording of my teleseminar last week at Great Parenting Practices, which will be up until this Thursday. I answered lots of great questions from participants in the seminar and had a great time chatting with @JacquelineGreen. Enjoy!

Check out this article about Neola’s success and future plans. Amazing!

Want to find out more about Neola? Read some of our previous posts here, here, here and here, or go to Neola’s Facebook page.

The thoughts and prayers of everyone at Connected Parenting are with those in Haiti and their friends and family. If you are in Canada, here’s the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade’s page on how to help. If you are in the U.S., here’s where to get advice from the Department of State.

Join Jennifer Kolari for a 70-minute teleseminar at Great Parenting Practices with Jacqueline Green tomorrow, January 14, 2009 at 2pm EST. Visit Great Parenting Practices to submit your questions or sign up to listen. See you there

Some kind words for the Connected Parenting book from Amanda of Kickyboots posted on Work It Mom:

“…Our eldest child is what one might call ‘difficult’ and as she neared her third birthday I was about ready to box her up and FedEx her to Antarctica. I was at such a loss as to how to parent her, how to discipline her, how to help her grow up to not be a total jerk. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and inquire about boarding schools for toddlers, I heard about a book called ‘Connected Parenting’ and I don’t hesitate to say that it has transformed both my daughter and my will to live…”

Head over to check out the full post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about how to deal with a tween who is increasingly hostile. Jennifer explains that teenagers’ brains are still maturing and they may have trouble keeping perspective. She advises parents not to take their child’s behavior personally and to be extra-vigilant about using their best parenting practices, such as mirroring and neutrally enforcing limits, to ensure that their children continue to feel lovable even as they act out. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Jennifer Kolari was quoted in the Toronto Star today in an article about how the economic climate has changed parenting. According to the article:

“Today’s moms and dads want to instill money smarts, teaching kids the virtues of saving a chunk of birthday money or part-time job earnings.”

Check out the full article to hear what Jennifer and other experts have to say.

Charlie and I saw eye to eye for exactly six days this past September.

But, instead of the seventh day being a day of rest the way it is in Genesis, for my thirteen year-old son it was a day of growth the way it is in real life. Suddenly, Charlie and I stood eyebrow to eye. The scary inevitability that my eldest son would grow taller than me became real in one night. How would I manage him now? Moreover, how would I manage myself?

He was just born, for Pete’s sake. A blink ago, Charlie was a twenty inch bundle with candlestick fingers and an insatiable appetite. The appetite remains the same, but everything else has morphed and sometimes I feel as if he’s the Peter Boyle to my Gene Wilder in “Young Frankenstein”, only instead of “Putting on the Ritz” he eats the whole box of them – and then some.

A couple of weeks ago, Charlie and I had an altercation. We often have them – sometimes about small, inconsequential-to-everyone-but-me issues such as why he crams his ski-jacket into a shelf in the closet instead of using a hanger (too much time involved, I’m told) and sometimes about larger concerns like whether or not we should allow him to attend a party at an acquaintance’s house when he’s not sure if the boy’s parents will be home or even on the same continent. As with many of our arguments, this latter one occurred “hypothetically”, right after I asked my son to hang up his jacket in our entrance-way closet. (more…)

Jennifer Kolari will do a 70-minute teleseminar at Great Parenting Practices with Jacqueline Green on January 14, 2009 at 2pm. Visit Great Parenting Practices to submit your questions or sign up to listen.

Happy New Year everyone! To start things off on the right foot as we get back to work and school, here are the winners of the 2009 International Pun Contest: (more…)

Have a perfectionist (or several) living in your home? Maybe they’ll get the message about the importance of mistakes and failure if they hear it from Michael Jordan:

H/T to Jonathan Fields.