This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 3-year-old has tantrums when put into time out. Jennifer advises that losing your temper reinforces your child’s tantrum behavior by giving them the reaction they are looking for. Instead, try to remain neutral and let your child know that they will be OK. If your child won’t remain in time out, Jennifer suggests calmly walking them back to their time out spot without engaging. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

Getting services for a learning disability. Advice for my U.S. tweeps:http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/health/27patient.html?hpw

Love this! RT @MarjieKnudsen: Impromptu Performance by Elderly Couple of 62 years -http://bit.ly/aC8XzT #health#happiness #relationships

RT @flourishingkids: Playing scrabble on FB with daughter who’s at college. Love that she wants to spend part of her Sat. night with me

RT @Annie_Fox: When we stop & listen 2 our kids we show that we care enough 2 try 2 understand what they’re feeling http://bit.ly/8bIzO8

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript #gtchat “Exploring the Role of #Gifted & Talented Teacher” http://bit.ly/bERgHL {scroll to 4:59 pm/GMT)

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” http://bit.ly/bB6vbz #gtchat (excellent resources!)

Marsha Jacobson on Change http://bit.ly/c1czrA

@alysonschafer Not sure. We’re looking into that:) Thanks for the referral!

The importance of touch http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html

Amazing! RT @alysonschafer: gr8 video wins 2nd place. Gr8 msg and FASCINATING palindrome.http://bit.ly/

TY for the RT @happyhealthyhip: RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid Child http://ow.ly/16DZu8

@psychomia Thanks for the RT!

RT @DeborahMersino: “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” will be our 7pm/EST #gtchat topic on Friday!

RT @DeborahMersino: “Exploring the Role of the #Gifted & Talented Teacher” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic this Friday!

RT @AudreyFG: Looking 4-ward to this! RT @DeborahMersino: Readg Experts: Need bk recs 4 students who read 2- 6 levels above avg #gtchat

Check out this article abt how the pwr of a growth mindset is demonstrated by Olympians who use setbacks as motivation http://bit.ly/a9eIAP

Nope. RT @amyrhoda: Is there anything nicer than the contemplative silence of two children engrossed in their Chirp and Chickadee magazines?

RT @inspiringMoms: One of hardest things 4 moms to do is ask 4 help yet if we don’t do it, who is going to teach our… http://bit.ly/cxJox5

RT @sara_winter: Sometimes U need fresh strt RT @AutismMomExpert: Therapy a blast 4 spec needs kids http://ow.ly/1auU7 #autism #specialneeds

RT @bweikle: Very inspiring! Program gives big boost to inner-city students – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/1alu8

Thx for RT @sara_winter Makes sense 4 LOT of kids I know RT @jenniferkolari How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid http://ow.ly/16DZu8

RT @DeborahMersino: Vote now for 02.26 global #gtchat topics: http://twtpoll.com/r/ahu6md #gifted

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

For many families there will be a school break of some sort in the next few weeks and whether you are staying home or going away, here are some tips to help make sure you have a great time:

1. Set loving limits

Behaviour doesn’t take a vacation–it comes with you. Start as soon as you get in the car/to the airport/in the taxi by being fair and kind, but firm right from the get go. This will help your kids know what kind of behaviour you expect for the rest of the trip. It can be counterintuitive because we want to make sure that everyone is having fun, but setting limits early means everyone will be much happier for the rest of the trip.

2. Before you leave – take the whole family to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if need be

If you will be eating at a lot of restaurants on your vacation, then try this little trick. Before your trip, go to a restaurant and let them know that if there is any misbehaving, you will leave. Expect to go home with your meals in a box and be ready for it, then if they misbehave–leave. This will show your kids that you are prepared to do this at restaurants or other activities on vacation as well.

3. Front Load – let them know how you expect them to behave and how you will help them

Start talking to your kids a couple of days before the trip about what kind of behaviour you expect. Decide on what consequences there will be if they misbehave so they know ahead of time and can make good choices. Let them know you will help them with reminders to make those good choices.

4. Talk about the kind of behaviour you expect between siblings

Explain that negative behaviour between siblings gets in the way of everyone’s fun; good behaviour (such as compliments or encouragement) will help make everyone happy. Catch them being kind or thoughtful to one another.

5. Set your own realistic expectations

We think that because we’re going on vacation, all of the things that drive us crazy here at home will go on vacation too. This is usually not the case, and we need to make sure our own expectations are realistic so that we aren’t disappointed.

6. Make sure there is quality family time and alone time each day

As parents, we also want to get in some “me” time during the vacation. Make sure you do some “together activities” that let you and the kids connect – really get in there and play with the kids – then you can tell them that mommy and daddy need time to be adults and they will respect that.

7. Create a trip agenda

Kids like to have some structure. Creating an agenda lets them know what is going to happen each day and helps them to set expectations. It doesn’t have to be detailed or rigid, just give them a sense of what to expect each day, building in lots of time for transitions like getting ready and organized.

8. Stick to bedtimes

Keeping, within reason, the same routine you have at home will ensure they are well-rested each day. It doesn’t have to be the same time as at home, just make sure it’s as consistent as possible. Tiredness is one of the leading causes of difficult behaviour.

9. Make sure to schedule in some downtime

No matter what age we are, we all need a bit of down time each day when we are on vacation. Take some time each afternoon to relax – and have some quiet moments away from distractions, programs and groups of people. This will keep kids from getting overwhelmed and over-stimulated and keep everyone in good spirits.

10. Be playful, loving and silly

A vacation is a great time to bond, cuddle and spend lots of quality time together. Make sure to laugh, be silly and really enjoy the moment–sometimes we can get so caught up in organizing everyone that we lose the joy in it all.

“Jason told me that if you step on a sidewalk crack, something really bad will happen to someone in your family.”

My seven year-old son, Harrison, and I were negotiating our way down the street, already late for his hair-cut. Our walk was stop-and-go because

Harrison had to make sure to jump over every crack and crevice he encountered.

“Jason told me that last year he forgot and he stepped on a crack and the next day his grandpa had a heart attack.”

“How’s his grandpa now?” I asked.

“Good” said Harrison. “Jason doesn’t step on cracks anymore.”

I smiled at the simplicity of the logic, at the naiveté of my son. He is just a little boy, I reasoned, but already I could see the worry pushing down on his bony shoulders all because of his friend’s experience. What could I say to lighten his load?

As children, we are taught to respect authority – professional, adult, legal, medical and the authority of other people’s experience, but when is it permissible and even advisable to respect the authority of our own experience?

At an early age, we learn to test and measure our environments by using the five recognized senses of taste, smell, touch, hearing and sight. But, are these senses enough to provide the barometer for all our assumptions? We also learn to believe in other people’s experience of these senses. Some say that there are other senses shepherding us through our lives, senses that are as important yet harder to quantify: the sense of temperature, pain, balance and acceleration, kinesthetic sense and the least empiric sense, the one many people thumb their noses at: intuition.

In my own life I have found my intuition to be more worthy of respect than any other form of authority. But, learning to trust it has pulled me down a road of blundering pot-holes.

My oldest son, Charlie, loved his Grade Five teacher. “Mrs. Hart uses this line from the movie, ‘Slapshot’ sometimes”, he told me, one day. “If a kid does something wrong in class or forgets their homework, she says: I want you to go to the penalty box and feel shame.”

“Cute”, I said, half-listening. Charlie went on to say that Mrs. Hart had advised that “Slapshot” was fabulous, a movie everyone should see.

Somehow, that last bit stuck in my brain. I vaguely remembered the peppery hockey comedy starring Paul Newman. Plus, I held deep admiration for Mrs. Hart. She was passionate about teaching the creative process of writing and I wished she’d been around when I was in school because writing was my favourite subject. So, I purchased “Slapshot” when I saw it in a store, thinking that Charlie, my husband and I could enjoy it together over the holiday and that my son could learn something. I wasn’t sure of the lesson, but I knew it would be important because Mrs. Hart had recommended the movie. As a testament to my belief, I actually bought the combo pack of “Slapshot One” and “Slapshot Two”. We were committed.

That Saturday evening, the three of us snuggled up in the master bedroom and turned on the movie. Four letter words punctuated the opening scenes. The first couple of times I heard swearing, I felt a discomfort sinuously crawling up my throat, but I beat it down with Mrs. Hart’s authority. She suggested this movie for a reason, I thought. So, what if Charlie hears some foul language? He’ll understand that people shouldn’t speak that way in real life. Hockey isn’t REAL LIFE! The movie progressed with yet more cursing. The sexual innuendoes began at the same time as the squirming in my toes. This must be an incredibly important lesson, I consoled myself, or Mrs. Hart would not have risked the negative impact of this disturbing language and imagery. I kept my face pointing forwards, feeling my husband’s glare heating the side of my cheek. Another few seconds and spontaneous combustion might ensue.

Finally, he lunged for the clicker and hit “Stop”.

“Why are we watching this?” he stammered in outrage. “It’s completely wrong for a ten year-old!”

I kept my own voice calm. “I agree that the language is pretty salty, but I think it’s going to get better soon. Mrs. Hart recommended this movie, after all.”

Charlie entered the fray at this point. “No, she didn’t, Mom. Mrs. Hart likes to use the line about getting a penalty, but she told us that ‘Slapshot’ is a movie we should actually see when we’re adults. She thinks it’s completely inappropriate for ten year-olds.”

Right then, I took myself to the penalty box, and boy, did I feel shame.

Because I respected the authority of what I thought was a teacher’s opinion, I ignored my own intuition. My family and I were able to laugh at this blunder, but it also taught me a valuable lesson. If ever you feel a large worm convulsing in your stomach, that’s your gut telling you to make your own call. Pay it heed.

“Harrison”, I asked my youngest son now. “Do you really believe that Jason’s grandpa had a heart attack because Jason stepped on a crack?”

“I’m not sure”, said my son, his eyebrows scrunched in consternation. “I guess I’ve been stepping on cracks my whole life and all of you guys are still fine.”

“Good observation” I agreed. “So, maybe, it would be okay for us to just walk normally so we can get to your haircut before the store closes?”

Harrison nodded and ran ahead, his feet crossing the sidewalk cracks like small “t”s. “I know it will be fine”, he called back over his shoulder, “because of the invisible super shield all around our family, the one you told me about that night I couldn’t sleep, remember? It’s worked, so far!”

I sighed and stepped up my pace. I sensed another trip to the penalty box.

This piece from the New York Times’ Motherlode is about the funniest thing I’ve read since becoming a parent. Noting a recent addition to the blogosphere that collects the crazy things you find yourself saying as a parent, Motherlode’s Lisa Belkin invited readers to add their own stories to the comments. He are some of my favorites:

“Your sister is not a chew toy.”

“You are so immature.” (to a 4-year-old)

“Do not use cheese to write on the walls.”

I recently found myself telling my daughter to “Please sit down and take off your snout.” (She was dressed up as a dog and it was dinner time.)

I highly recommend checking out both Mommylingo and Lisa’s post at Motherlode if you need a good laugh!

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Janis Beach. Enjoy!

A client walked into my office last week excitedly exclaiming “I nailed it — I’m getting this mirroring thing!”

She went on to tell me that after some ‘discussion’ her 7 year old daughter had gone up to her room to put away her laundry and generally tidy her room. As my client (mom) went by the room she could hear her daughter mumbling to herself with great intensity in a way that usually would escalate into a meltdown and an exhausting scene! Taking a deep breath mom went into the room and said “Finding just the right place for those socks sure is frustrating, eh? Want some help?” Her daughter turned to her and said in a very calm way, “No thanks. I’m good.”

Perfectionist meltdown averted!

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 15-month-old daughter has started waking up at night after previously being a good sleeper. Because she is difficult to console when she wakes, the reader has been giving her daughter a bottle, which seems to calm her. Jennifer advises that the reader can continue to give the bottle and hope that the sleep disturbance subsides over time. But if the reader stops giving the bottle, she must hold firm or risk teaching her daughter that she will get a bottle if she has a meltdown. Jennifer discusses different sleep programs and notes that different children respond best to different programs. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from #gtchat “Launching a Parent Advocacy Group” http://bit.ly/dobhR7 #gifted

Thx 4 RT @sara__winter Coregulated coexperienc’g. Gr8 for ANY kid RT @jenniferkolari Love this..the city with your child http://bit.ly/9cs3tO

RT @sara__winter L0ve the idea of “Ruthless Compassion” Thank-You @Jenniferkolari <– I’m using it more on my mother-in-law than my son!!

RT @MarjieKnudsen: PBS: Inside the teenage brain -http://bit.ly/3Pcmk8 via @christophemorin@paoloterni #parenting#teens #health

Love this idea to spend an afternoon a week exploring the city with your child http://bit.ly/9cs3tO

Jay Mathews’ article on Life Habits Schools Can Teach http://bit.ly/9Jn2os

RT @bweikle: Have you had a chance to read @krushowy’s piece on anti-bullying week? Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/19aep

RT @DeborahMersino: Miss the first #gtchat session today? Transcript here: http://www.bit.ly/aLkBaR#gifted #OE

RT @HoagiesGifted: Great news! #National #Institute for#Twice-#Exceptionality at the#Blank #Honors #Center…http://bit.ly/ceD8nR

Thanks so much for the #FF@JacquelineGreen!

Great info for U.S. parents who suspect their child has a learning disability http://nyti.ms/dBodM4

“Perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it.” – Aimee Mullins

RT @DeborahMersino: “Launching a Parent Advocacy Group: How & Why?” will be our #gtchat topic at 7pm/EST on Friday! #gifted

RT @DeborahMersino: “Coping with Intensity & Overexcitabilities” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic on Friday. #gifted

RT @Kidlutions: In parenting, think like Einstein. “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting…http://bit.ly/aDCmiK

RT @bweikle: Have u heard of the Magic Castle @ Princess Margaret? It’s a childcare program for parents fighting cancer http://bit.ly/bHywN6

Happy Family Day! Happy President’s Day!

I happened on a recent TED talk by Aimee Mullins this week. Aimee was a paralympic record-breaker at the 1996 games and she’s an amazing speaker. Her talk focussed on seeing adversity as opportunity. Since adversity of some kind or another is inevitable, it’s not whether you face adversity but how you face it:

“Perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it.”

Aimee’s talk also highlights the importance of giving children a message of competence, attributing her own remarkable achievements to a comment one of her doctors made to her when she was five years old. As Aimee struggled with physical therapy she hated, her doctor told her that she was such a strong little girl, he thought she might eventually break one of the bands she was using for the therapy.

Check out the video if you’re in need of a little inspiration:

It was a Saturday morning in mid-February, and both my sons had the pallor of vampires and the energy levels of sloths. Charlie and Harrison had been fine all week at school, but this weekend morning they woke up sick. There were swimming lessons and birthday parties to attend, not to mention shopping for new, better-fitting shoes. But, it was bitterly cold outside and there was a Jim Carrey movie marathon on television. I needed to make a decision.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when our responsibilities lessen during a holiday or weekend, crazy fatigue or an awful flu rear up and incapacitate us like a tsunami? “Just my luck to get sick during my time off,” we might think, but maybe a more apt reaction should be gratitude that we possess bodies with minds of their own.

Often, our physical selves figure out what’s wrong with us or what we need long before our brains do, and they don’t try to sugarcoat the problem. Getting sick or feeling the physical effects of anxiety can be a body’s way of saying: slow down, relax, remove some stress, I’m warning you.

When I was thirty-four, I worked and played with gusto, but one night I woke up breathing erratically, my heart threatening to leap out of my chest. The dread in the pit of my stomach was so deep that I couldn’t even stand up straight. I felt that I could die at any moment and that moving too far from my bed could put me in mortal danger. I remember my husband convinced me to come outside for a walk. I held on to his arm for dear life and refused to go around the block – I needed to keep our house in sight; I needed to see my safe place. After nearly a whole hour during which the symptoms refused to subside, we drove to a hospital emergency room, where calm is as alien as bacon at a bar mitzvah. Once it was ascertained that I was not having a heart attack, my husband and I settled in for a long wait and a lively sideshow of humanity, watching sick people brought in on stretchers and in handcuffs.

Eventually, the attending physician, a calm, pony-tailed man wearing clogs, examined me and explained that I was merely, merely, suffering from a panic attack. He asked me if I was experiencing any particularly disturbing stresses in my life. I felt puzzled. There were issues at work, arguments with friends, nothing unusual. He gave me a pill called Atavin, a short-term medication that fends off the effects of anxiety. I was instantly relieved — until the next time.

After visiting my family doctor and procuring a prescription for my new go-to drug, I became a semi-functioning victim of free-floating anxiety. I did not understand what was causing this ugly beast to jump out of the shadows and I never knew when it was going to pounce. I spent gross amounts of energy working to hide my struggle from colleagues and to downplay it with family and friends.

The unpredictable attacks prompted me to take Atavin before situations during which a panic attack would be difficult to hide or explain. If I had to attend a big meeting or a family function, I took a pill just in case, a preemptive strike against the possibility of anxiety. By all objective measures, I was an intelligent woman, and yet, I shrugged off concern about my growing psychological addiction to medication. I acted as if my panic attacks were part of a phase that would run its course like puberty or a love of flannel shirts.

My body knew what was wrong with me, but like a dog that barks at a seemingly empty yard, it couldn’t tell my brain exactly what the problem was. Finally, after a year of this nerve-wracking condition, I attended a seminar by a pioneer in holistic health education. When Jack Schwarz (google him; you won’t be sorry!) stated that “all of your body is in your mind but not all of your mind is in your body, I began to learn how to pay attention to myself. I braked for the red stop lights illuminating my insides and realized that I needed to leave my career in book publishing. The politics and pace had become too stressful and the personal rewards had vanished. I also realized that I needed to try to have a baby because time was galloping on and the fear of not trying was literally making my body crazy. Fortunately, my husband’s income allowed me to resign from my job in order to have time to reflect on these realizations. I quit the pills cold turkey, dug up our back yard, built a garden, and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. My panic attacks stopped.

These days, I am very mindful of my body’s warnings and the warnings that come from the bodies of my children. Every cell in us has intelligence to which we should listen. When either of my boys becomes sick, they take time off school and I resolutely feed them chicken soup and love. I occasionally cancel their extra-curricular activities for a few weeks and focus on hanging out at home, creating opportunities for down-time and not worrying about what they’re missing. They have caught the stress bug and I try to give them what their bodies already know they require, time to be still and time to recover. That Saturday in February, we all stayed home and watched Jim Carrey contort his facial features. We laughed and made nachos. Wrestled and nestled. I am hopeful that the lessons I learned as an adult can be passed on to my sons now so that heeding their own bodies’ warnings will be the only medicine they ever need.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Over the last 15 to 20 years, we have moved from a parent-centered culture to a child-centered culture. We are better at understanding our children, better at empathizing and better at supporting and helping children when they are in need. Children are more protected and enjoy more emotional and physical safety than ever before and as a culture we care more about their feelings and their dignity.

There is a downside, though, and things may have swung a little too far. Many well-meaning parents work too hard to smooth the road for their children. Removing obstacles and bumps may make it easier for us to bear our children’s pain and emotional discomfort, but our children don’t seem to be better off for it. According to clinical psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, “We’re seeing high rates of anxiety and depression. The average college student right now is as anxious as the average psychiatric patient was 50 years ago.”

As a child and family therapist, I see far more anxiety amongst the children I work with than I did years ago. I also see children having more difficulties with emotional regulation, anger and impulse control. If you smooth every bump and remove every obstacle in their way, children will not develop the emotional circuitry to manage bumps when they happen. They will fall apart and overreact because they do not have a repertoire of experiences that they can review and say, “Oh yeah, I handled that and I was ok so I can get through this.” If we do not trust them to learn for themselves, make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can’t build that important repertoire. The irony is that the more we try to make life easier for them, the more upset and anxious they seem to become.

It is hard to watch your child cry when you have to say “no” to something, or set a limit. But if you think it’s tough with a two- or four-year-old, think about how it will look when they are 14 or 16 years old. The truth is it will never be easier than it is right now to change and correct behaviors.

Staying neutral, being loving and predictable while setting fair and reasonable limits is the greatest gift you can give your child. It will help them become capable, resilient and secure. Adolescence is around the corner. It may seem like you have a lifetime with your children but they really do grow up quickly. Support them. Guide them. And, love them well. Be empathic and fair, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Let them experience some disappointment and give them messages of competence that help them see that they can, and will, get over it and be okay. Help them to be accountable for their mistakes and behaviors. They will be better prepared for life and a whole lot happier.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Cindy Smolkin. Enjoy!

This morning my 5-year-old son and I arrived at his school for our usual morning drop off. Prior to leaving the house we had a big debate about whether it was his class’s turn to be in the yard or in class before the bell rang. The debate was really about whether he needed to wear his snowpants or not. His heels were not dug in too deeply and it was quite easy for him to get to a place of agreement to put on his snowpants as the thought of putting them on in the car and missing yard time was not too appealing. However, when we arrived and saw that yes, in fact, it was his class’s turn to be out in the yard, he asked (with a bit more urgency) if I could wait until the bell rang, meet him inside and help him to remove his snowpants as it was too crowded and he needed help. My internal knee-jerk response was to giggle and say something like,

“You take your snowpants off every day by yourself. In fact, your teacher tells me that you are one of the fastest to get dressed and undressed.”

But, feeling pretty patient at that moment, and really hearing what my son was saying, instead I said,

“Yeah … there are a lot of kids in your class and the area to change in is pretty small. It must get pretty crowded. I bet people end up stepping over one another.”

He laughed and said, “Okay mom. Bye.” And that was the end of that.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 02.12 noon/EST #gtchat, “Homework: Battles or Bliss”: http://bit.ly/b7yua4 #gifted {halfway down}

Have a sick child who doesn’t want to take their meds? Try these tricks http://drkimmd.com/2009/01/15/tip-for-masking-medication-taste/

RT @parentingpolls: When was the last time you really thought what it would be like to be ‘Your Child’? http://parentingpolls.com/?p=426

RT @Louiseasl: Want to learn how to #sign in #ASL“Happy Valentine’s Day!?” Well, here you go-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJUgq8Tsuwk

RT @BillGates: http://twitpic.com/12tv5l – KIPP – “Promises to children are sacred” 

Great ideas! RT @bweikle: If you’re staying in on Family Day, try these ideas: Stuck Indoors? – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/16Ssg

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 7pm/EST #gtchat “Discovering Passion: Helping #Gifted Kids Find Inspiration” http://bit.ly/91qqyG

RT @bweikle: RT @BunchFamily #Bunchland got dads to write love letters 2 their families for our V-Day Special Edition. http://bit.ly/9VLYoh

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! 

Thanks for the #FF @JacquelineGreen!

Thanks! RT @CozyCoach: Wonderful article! Taking Time for Yourself http://ow.ly/16xqq2 by @Jenniferkolari

@Annie_Fox Slowly …

Congrats Annie! RT @Annie_Fox: Six blogs every parent should read ‘Cuz you’ve got too much time on your hands! ;O) http://bit.ly/bOaitu

RT @BrendaNixon: Today and everyday, affirm your child, discipline, nurture, and watch for progress – not perfection. ~Brenda Nixon

Thanks @amyrhoda! I agree – empathy IS hard. Hope you enjoy the book. Let me know what you think…

Here’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.

I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.

So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has started to put things up his nose. Jennifer suggests keeping small items out of reach and trying to remain neutral while indicating that putting things in your nose is not safe. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

“The kid ordered toast, not a bagel” snapped the unsavory server, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling.

“No. My son ordered a rye bagel” I said, tightly. We had endured this woman’s rudeness for the entire visit to our usual Sunday breakfast place.

“I know this for a fact” I added, “because I’m the one who ordered it for him.”

“Fine!” The testy waitress swept the toast back to the kitchen where she would probably reshape it into a bagel using a couple of spit-gobs.

My two sons gaped at me, their brown eyes wide with concern. They are confident kids, yet I could tell by their silence that they were unsettled by my confrontation with a stranger. Still, I would have to deal with this situation or what kind of an example would I set about self- assertiveness?

As a child, I never stuck up for myself, not to my parents, my teachers, my friends, or my “non-friends”, the kids who hurled insults from pea-shooter mouths. While I might have been angry inside, my thoughts remained shelved like library books that are too high to reach.

I didn’t evolve much as an adult either. I spoke up politely for my opinions at work, but if I felt hurt by a friend or treated unfairly by a store clerk, I bore up silently, afraid of unpleasantness and probably afraid to lose the war.

My meekness transformed into something entirely different the moment I became a mother at age 36. During day two of Charlie’s life, a nurse informed me that the foot- prick test that was standard procedure for all newborns had been misplaced and would need to be repeated.

“I’m not allowing you to put my baby through the pain of a foot-prick again just because you screwed up”, I bellowed to the same woman who would later be responsible for administering my enema. My tirade might have been a bad judgment call, but I wasn’t going to let anybody hurt my child.

This outburst heralded the great unleashing of my maternal instincts. But, as with all new skills, I experienced growing pains. I made the odd mistake.

When Charlie was three, we traveled to the Florida gulf coast, and I enjoyed watching my strong-legged boy run crazy eights all over the sand, reveling in the freedom of wide, open space. One morning, as Charlie explored the tide’s detritus with his bagel in hand, a cheeky gull swooped down and stole it. Well, you’d think the bird had taken the boy instead of the bread. I chased that bandit down the beach, screaming at it to stop flying and return the stolen baked good. My husband and son looked on, one laughing, one crying for his breakfast. Soon, the bird returned with some friends, in hot pursuit of . . . me! I finally realized that they were after the other half of the bagel that I still held. But, Charlie needed his breakfast so instead of surrendering, I shooed them away with my free hand, clutching the food to my bathing suit. The gulls didn’t get our bagel, but I got a head decorated with bird poo. When I presented the remaining half to Charlie, he told me he was full and suggested, “Mommy, feed dah birds.” Then, he turned to investigate a dead jellyfish.

“A little bit over-zealous, perhaps?” asked my husband, handing me some tissues with which to mop my hair. But, I felt good. I was a mother standing up for her child.

Nearly ten years later, my younger son, Harrison, aged two and a half, was experiencing multiple ear infections. Both his pediatrician and the specialist to whom we’d been referred recommended the uncomfortable procedure of having ear tubes inserted. Harrison would have to receive a general anesthetic and with it, inherent risks.

This felt all wrong to me. I had Harrison’s hearing assessed and since it was perfectly fine, I decided to wait out the infections having learned that they often dissipate by a child’s third birthday. Fortunately, Harrison grew out of his ear infections and I grew in to trusting my own judgement.

Now, sitting stiffly in the restaurant, my assertiveness was chomping at the bit. There still wasn’t anything else to chew. Our server had not returned with Harrison’s bagel nor had she brought Charlie the bowl of soup he’d politely ordered thirty minutes earlier. Every time I tried to get this woman’s attention, she looked away. Finally, we locked eyes, or should I say engaged our missiles, and she stomped over.

“Look”, I began, smiling wanly like a tired driving instructor on valium. “I can see you’re having a bad day. But, could you please bring my sons’ soup and bagel.”

Apparently, I lost her at “I can see you’re having a bad day”. She raised her shoulders and backed away. “I’m having a bad day?? How dare you!” she squawked.

The restaurant went quiet. The diners’ curiosity caused them to lower their coffee cups and cream-cheese drenched twisters. Our indignant waitress strode halfway across the room and turned. “I will not put up with this abuse!” she yelled. “I’m going to get someone else to take care of your table because I am no longer your server!”

I raised both my thumbs. “Awesome!” I replied.

Harrison got his bagel. Charlie got his soup. I got the bill and thought that chasing the gull down the beach had been an easier way to feed my children than this unfortunate experience.

Confrontations with strangers agitate my nerve endings like feedback in a concert hall. I felt just a little bit less human having been lured into an altercation. But, on the way home, my children talked about “the incident” as it is now known. They even said I “rocked”. Because of their blessed existence, I have learned to err on the side of standing up for those who are dear to me.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

There are so many articles and blogs out there about how important it is for mothers to take care of themselves. Most of us read and nod in an agreement with a vague promise that we have to do that, but then we never quite get to it, or if we do it doesn’t last long. That advice is out there for a reason and a very important one. Why do you think on an airplane they tell parents to put on the mask first? Being exhausted and only doing everything for others is not healthy for you–and it’s not what’s best for your kids.

Being a great parent means taking care of yourself and modeling that self care for your family. Many of my blogs so far have been about what we can do for our kids. And following this advice means being strong and ready to take on the challenge. As Moms we are used to those challenges, doing everything for others, multitasking, being on the move, driving to dance classes, making lunches, breaking up arguments, helping with homework and on and on. Many mothers feel guilty when they do things for themselves and, as a result, get depleted.

Finding time to rest, eat well, and spend time doing things we like may sound like things you don’t have energy for, but they are critical to good parenting. We can’t be the parent we want to be if we are at our wits end most of the time. Here are some practical tips to help you take care of yourself. Remember: giving to yourself is a gift to your family.

1. Go on a virtual vacation

Close the door and sit at the computer, choose some great music for the background, go to the place where you keep your pictures on the computer and hit slide show mode. You can run pictures of vacations you’ve been on and get swept away. Or look at photos of a happy family gathering and see those smiling faces. This is what you do it all for.

2. Get together with friends

Choose a night once or twice a month to get together with good friends and stick to it. And don’t spend all night talking about the kids!

3. Walk

Go for a walk alone in nature if possible.

4. Express your creativity

A few hours doing something creative apart from your family can do a lot to recharge your batteries.

5. Take a bath with candles, music or a great book

I know this sounds corny and cliché, but it really is soothing and comforting. Bring a book or listen to a great book on your iPod to take yourself away and relax. Choose a bath night and tell your whole family you are sticking to it and to respect that time.

6. Get a Mother’s Helper

See if there’s a younger teen or tween in your neighborhood who can help you once a week. If they’re too young to babysit, they can help by playing with younger kids so you can get other things done, or rest. Little ones are fascinated by bigger kids and the tween or young teen will love the responsibility.

7. Delegate

It won’t always be done just the way you like it, but it is important to spread responsibilities around. It’s good for the kids and it’s good for you. Get your kids to help out.

8. Laugh

Take time to laugh and be silly. Rent a great DVD of a standup comedian, watch a funny movie and laugh–it’s so healing and so fun.

Jennifer Kolari will speak at Greenwood College School tomorrow evening (February 9) at 7:00 p.m. This event is open to the public so come on out and join us.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Jennifer Kolari. Enjoy!

As many of you know, my 6-year-old daughter Olivia can be quite a handful. She gives us great joy but is a gladiator child. She knows what she wants and she fights hard for it. We follow the Connected Parenting program and as long as we stick to it, we all manage very well. She is free to be herself and enjoy life with the safety and freedom of knowing that we understand her and set loving limits. It took a while to get here but it’s worth it.

Last year she had some difficulties at school. Nothing too major but she could be impulsive, a little aggressive and a challenge for the teacher. After getting over the embarrassment and wanting to walk into the school with a paper bag over my head, she settled down nicely. This year at our parent/teacher interview, Olivia’s teacher shared a remarkable mirroring story with us that made us both very proud and confirmed why this technique is so important.

Olivia had been building a castle of blocks that she had been working really hard on. A little boy, we’ll call him David, was playing nearby and kept trying to drive his cars up the ramp to the tower she had built. As he played with his cars his feet were also dangerously close to the tower which got Olivia worried. Instead of acting impulsively, Olivia went to the teacher and asked for help before the tower came tumbling down. The teacher was pleased with this and headed back to the carpet with Olivia to help out. As they walked towards the castle David’s car hit the tower as he drove it up the ramp and the castle came tumbling down. The teacher braced herself, sure that Olivia would lose it.

Olivia went over to David and said, “That ramp looked really cool and it was pretty hard for you not to drive your cars on it. I know you didn’t knock it down on purpose.” A perfect mirroring statement with her agenda aside and full of understanding! David immediately apologized saying he felt terrible because he knew Olivia had worked so hard on the castle. A beautiful mirroring statement back! Then the two of them went on to repair the castle together. The teacher was very moved and impressed that two little children had found such a nice way to work out what could have been a very ugly situation.

The beauty of mirroring is that the more you use this technique with your children the more they use it on each other. It is a gift to your children in so many ways and a gift to those around them.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!

RT @sarawinterspks: Cindy @ Connected Parenting had me make an accomplish’t journal for my son. SO great for self reflection and confidence!

What can I say @amyrhoda? Cool blog!

Thanks for the RT @ADDSarah!

Thanks for the mention @JacquelineGreen !

Thanks for the shout out @inspiringMoms!

Kids need to experience some bumps along the way in order to develop the neurological hardware to deal with adversity.

And thx for this!! RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript of 02.06.10 “Twice Exceptional” global #gtchat at 7pm/EST http://bit.ly/9urU00 #gifted

Thx for this! RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 02.06.10 “Asynchronous Development” global #gtchat at noon http://bit.ly/b6Z6Z3#gifted

RT @ADDSarah: RT @TerryMatlen: IEP Checklist -http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/iep-checklist/id348702423?mt=8 #iTunes

My CALM method can be counter-intuitive. Be sure to check out new blog feature start’g next wk: Mirroring Mondays – examples from the team!

Great ideas! RT @More4Kids: Tips for Teaching Kids To Dress Themselves –>http://bit.ly/8X5k2i

Love this idea: An app that provides streaming audio stories on your iPhone! http://bit.ly/ch8L5m

Amazing! RT @bweikle: Two kids who were bullied terribly started great website to help bullied youth. Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/13y8C

The power of exercise! RT @bweikle: Cool program! Morning workout at Etobicoke school helps kids focus – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/13MNe

Thanks for the #FF love! @JacquelineGreen. Hope you have a great weekend!

RT @BrendaNixon: TUES in MARCH = I’m taking live, parent questions on Parent’s Plate radio show! 877-864-4869 10-11 AM(ET) 2 ask me ur ?s.

RT @bweikle: Interesting take on bullying prevention emphasizes importance of nipping preschool aggression in the bud. http://ow.ly/13wT5

RT @DeborahMersino: Asynchronous development or parent/teacher communication? Vote now:http://twtpoll.com/qply95#gtchat #gifted

Yay! RT @More4Kids: More than 85,000 CA kids stretched, jumped & screamed in2 a new Guinness World Record –>http://bit.ly/bTPgRq

Includes most recent #gtchat transcripts RT @DeborahMersino: New Ingeniosus blog post re #gtchat http://bit.ly/P1Z1N #gifted

RT @bweikle: Chk out Pipedreaming, a gr8 new children’s lit blog by a bookseller, writer, reviewer, teacher & scholar. http://bit.ly/aa7JpM

Today’s Globe & Mail reports on a new study published in the journal Child Development that shows that children who are highly reactive to stress do worse than their peers at school if they come from a home where there’s lots of stress but do better than their peers at school, both academically and socially, when they have a stable and nurturing home.

This finding supports the Orchid Hypothesis (described at length by David Dobbs in The Atlantic late last year) which speculates that certain genes that have been tied to vulnerability to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may in fact simply make their carriers more sensitive to both positive and negative environmental influences. Under this hypothesis, people who are hyper-sensitive to their environment often respond so well to positive interventions that they surpass their less sensitive peers.

Click here to read the Child Development paper discussed in the Globe and check out our other posts about Orchid and Dandelion Children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who doesn’t feel like her doctor listens to her. Jennifer suggests approaching the doctor neutrally to find a way to work together. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

If you missed it last night, be sure to check out the CBC documentary, Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids. It’s on again tonight at 10pm EST or you can watch it online.

Keep an eye on the Connected Parenting blog for Jennifer Kolari’s upcoming post on this very issue (hint: kids need to experience some bumps along the way in order to develop the neurological hardware to deal with adversity).

Last chance to sign up for a 4-week Parenting Workshop in Toronto with Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari.  The workshop will build your skills with material from the Connected Parenting workshop, the Connected Parenting Advanced Strategies workshop, and the Parenting with Brains workshop.

Dates: Wednesday evenings, February 3, 10, 17 and March 3, 2010
Times: 7:30-9:00 p.m.
Where: Armour Heights Community Centre, 2140 Avenue Rd., Toronto
Cost: $250 for an individual or $300 for a couple

To register, contact Rebecca Lindsay at info@connectedparenting.ca or 416-781-4700.

Click here for more details.

Thank you. How many times each day do we say these words or encourage our children to say them? The sales clerk gives you change and a receipt. Thank you. A young woman waits and holds open the elevator door. Thank you. You pay off your charge account at the instabank and the screen says: thank you.

Even the machines in our lives have manners. But, do we ever feel real gratitude? Our children are taught to say, thank you, by rote. The phrase has become a reflex like sneezing or blinking. I wonder if we should be satisfied with vacant terms of civility.

I find cavalier gratitude depressing and I’ve been searching for an example to change my mind. But, if the phrase ever means more than a hollow echo of entitlement, how will I recognize it?

Last week, a friend sent me a link to a You-Tube video of an eight year-old boy opening up his Christmas present. From the setting, it was clear that luxuries were few in this household. The boy tore open the wrapping paper to reveal an X-box 360. What followed was an out-pouring of emotion that reminded me of the lovely and reflective nature of gratitude.

“Is this really for me?” he asked his parents in astonishment.

“All for you, Bud” said the dad.

“I’ve wanted one of these my whole life! But, it must’ve cost you guys a fortune.”

After furiously hugging his parents, the little boy returned to his gift and repeatedly exclaimed over it.

“Daddy, I love this but it’s so expensive. How can you afford it?” he asked worriedly.

“We saved up for a while, Bud. And, now it’s yours free and clear.” You could hear the smile and the pride in the father’s tone. I was struck by how memorable this moment would be for this family. The little boy not only received his heart’s desire, but he showed his appreciation of the work his parents put in to ensuring that he could have it. And, the parents experienced their son’s gratitude as well as the incomparable high that is felt when giving a loved one the perfect present. While the gift was incredible, they will all have visceral memories of that day because of their mutual consideration and joy. (more…)

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)