It was a Saturday morning in mid-February, and both my sons had the pallor of vampires and the energy levels of sloths. Charlie and Harrison had been fine all week at school, but this weekend morning they woke up sick. There were swimming lessons and birthday parties to attend, not to mention shopping for new, better-fitting shoes. But, it was bitterly cold outside and there was a Jim Carrey movie marathon on television. I needed to make a decision.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when our responsibilities lessen during a holiday or weekend, crazy fatigue or an awful flu rear up and incapacitate us like a tsunami? “Just my luck to get sick during my time off,” we might think, but maybe a more apt reaction should be gratitude that we possess bodies with minds of their own.

Often, our physical selves figure out what’s wrong with us or what we need long before our brains do, and they don’t try to sugarcoat the problem. Getting sick or feeling the physical effects of anxiety can be a body’s way of saying: slow down, relax, remove some stress, I’m warning you.

When I was thirty-four, I worked and played with gusto, but one night I woke up breathing erratically, my heart threatening to leap out of my chest. The dread in the pit of my stomach was so deep that I couldn’t even stand up straight. I felt that I could die at any moment and that moving too far from my bed could put me in mortal danger. I remember my husband convinced me to come outside for a walk. I held on to his arm for dear life and refused to go around the block – I needed to keep our house in sight; I needed to see my safe place. After nearly a whole hour during which the symptoms refused to subside, we drove to a hospital emergency room, where calm is as alien as bacon at a bar mitzvah. Once it was ascertained that I was not having a heart attack, my husband and I settled in for a long wait and a lively sideshow of humanity, watching sick people brought in on stretchers and in handcuffs.

Eventually, the attending physician, a calm, pony-tailed man wearing clogs, examined me and explained that I was merely, merely, suffering from a panic attack. He asked me if I was experiencing any particularly disturbing stresses in my life. I felt puzzled. There were issues at work, arguments with friends, nothing unusual. He gave me a pill called Atavin, a short-term medication that fends off the effects of anxiety. I was instantly relieved — until the next time.

After visiting my family doctor and procuring a prescription for my new go-to drug, I became a semi-functioning victim of free-floating anxiety. I did not understand what was causing this ugly beast to jump out of the shadows and I never knew when it was going to pounce. I spent gross amounts of energy working to hide my struggle from colleagues and to downplay it with family and friends.

The unpredictable attacks prompted me to take Atavin before situations during which a panic attack would be difficult to hide or explain. If I had to attend a big meeting or a family function, I took a pill just in case, a preemptive strike against the possibility of anxiety. By all objective measures, I was an intelligent woman, and yet, I shrugged off concern about my growing psychological addiction to medication. I acted as if my panic attacks were part of a phase that would run its course like puberty or a love of flannel shirts.

My body knew what was wrong with me, but like a dog that barks at a seemingly empty yard, it couldn’t tell my brain exactly what the problem was. Finally, after a year of this nerve-wracking condition, I attended a seminar by a pioneer in holistic health education. When Jack Schwarz (google him; you won’t be sorry!) stated that “all of your body is in your mind but not all of your mind is in your body, I began to learn how to pay attention to myself. I braked for the red stop lights illuminating my insides and realized that I needed to leave my career in book publishing. The politics and pace had become too stressful and the personal rewards had vanished. I also realized that I needed to try to have a baby because time was galloping on and the fear of not trying was literally making my body crazy. Fortunately, my husband’s income allowed me to resign from my job in order to have time to reflect on these realizations. I quit the pills cold turkey, dug up our back yard, built a garden, and six months later I became pregnant with our first son. My panic attacks stopped.

These days, I am very mindful of my body’s warnings and the warnings that come from the bodies of my children. Every cell in us has intelligence to which we should listen. When either of my boys becomes sick, they take time off school and I resolutely feed them chicken soup and love. I occasionally cancel their extra-curricular activities for a few weeks and focus on hanging out at home, creating opportunities for down-time and not worrying about what they’re missing. They have caught the stress bug and I try to give them what their bodies already know they require, time to be still and time to recover. That Saturday in February, we all stayed home and watched Jim Carrey contort his facial features. We laughed and made nachos. Wrestled and nestled. I am hopeful that the lessons I learned as an adult can be passed on to my sons now so that heeding their own bodies’ warnings will be the only medicine they ever need.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Over the last 15 to 20 years, we have moved from a parent-centered culture to a child-centered culture. We are better at understanding our children, better at empathizing and better at supporting and helping children when they are in need. Children are more protected and enjoy more emotional and physical safety than ever before and as a culture we care more about their feelings and their dignity.

There is a downside, though, and things may have swung a little too far. Many well-meaning parents work too hard to smooth the road for their children. Removing obstacles and bumps may make it easier for us to bear our children’s pain and emotional discomfort, but our children don’t seem to be better off for it. According to clinical psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, “We’re seeing high rates of anxiety and depression. The average college student right now is as anxious as the average psychiatric patient was 50 years ago.”

As a child and family therapist, I see far more anxiety amongst the children I work with than I did years ago. I also see children having more difficulties with emotional regulation, anger and impulse control. If you smooth every bump and remove every obstacle in their way, children will not develop the emotional circuitry to manage bumps when they happen. They will fall apart and overreact because they do not have a repertoire of experiences that they can review and say, “Oh yeah, I handled that and I was ok so I can get through this.” If we do not trust them to learn for themselves, make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can’t build that important repertoire. The irony is that the more we try to make life easier for them, the more upset and anxious they seem to become.

It is hard to watch your child cry when you have to say “no” to something, or set a limit. But if you think it’s tough with a two- or four-year-old, think about how it will look when they are 14 or 16 years old. The truth is it will never be easier than it is right now to change and correct behaviors.

Staying neutral, being loving and predictable while setting fair and reasonable limits is the greatest gift you can give your child. It will help them become capable, resilient and secure. Adolescence is around the corner. It may seem like you have a lifetime with your children but they really do grow up quickly. Support them. Guide them. And, love them well. Be empathic and fair, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Let them experience some disappointment and give them messages of competence that help them see that they can, and will, get over it and be okay. Help them to be accountable for their mistakes and behaviors. They will be better prepared for life and a whole lot happier.

In case you missed it, you can catch a recording of my teleseminar last week at Great Parenting Practices, which will be up until this Thursday. I answered lots of great questions from participants in the seminar and had a great time chatting with @JacquelineGreen. Enjoy!

Check out Jennifer Kolari’s latest post at My Child Feels discussing childhood anxiety, what to watch for, and what to do if your child is anxious.

You may also be interested in Jennifer’s recent post about Swine Flu Anxiety.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

This week it seems fitting to talk about anxiety. There’s a lot of talk these days about the H1N1 virus and all of the media coverage and discussion has led parents to a place of increased anxiety, even panic.

I am not going to talk about the virus or the vaccine–there’s enough of that in the newspapers and on TV, but I will talk about anxiety.

Anxiety is a part of being a parent and you need a certain amount to keep your children safe, but too much can have a negative impact on your parenting, your child and on you. I have had so many moms in the last few weeks tell me how anxious they are about this virus and how they feel more anxious in general as a result. Anxiety is an awful feeling and once it is turned on, it can be hard to turn off. It can also make us uncomfortable, irritable and unreasonable. So what can we do about it?

First of all, it is really important to have a sense of control over your anxiety because it can be such an uncomfortable and powerful emotion. When someone is anxious the pathways to logical thought are temporally severed and as soon as your body detects you are worried, it errs on the side of caution and puts you in fight or flight mode. This is great if you are a caveman or on the battlefield, not so great if you are a mom just trying to cope.

Here is what you can do. If you can control you breathing and your heart rate, you can control that fight or flight response. So when you hear a frightening newsflash about the swine flu, first break the connection by turning off the TV or asking your friend not to tell you anymore. Then, slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. When your breathing slows down, your heart will calm down too and your brain will register that and say “OK, this is not life threatening.”

Think of a scale from one to 10. One is when you are the most relaxed and calm, 10 is when you feel a sense of panic. Learn to rate your anxiety and monitor yourself throughout the day. If you feel higher than a five, you need to get that number lower by breathing or by thinking of happy or funny things. Try not to talk too much about the things that are making you anxious–this fuels anxiety and can put you right back in fight or flight mode. If you find yourself having real difficulty with sleeping or panic attacks, call your doctor or a therapist trained in helping people with anxiety–getting help to manage your anxiety can really help.

Feeling that you control your anxiety, instead of your anxiety controlling you, is the best way to find balance and peace of mind.

It’s officially here.  Today marked the first day of school for most kids across the country, and with that comes a lot of excitement, fears and sometimes anxiety.

I was recently interviewed by CityTV’s Cynthia Mulligan about back to school anxiety, and how parents can help their kids through this transition.

To read my tips, check out Cynthia’s blog.

We are all born hardwired for how we handle anxiety, some of us are not anxious at all – some of us are very anxious. In addition to that hardwiring Life events and experiences push us up or down the continuum. Some anxiety is good safe choices but we want to make sure that our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

The best way to determine if your child has a problem with anxiety is to think about whether it is stopping them from doing the things they want to. Does it make them feel badly about themselves? Do they spend a lot of time clinging and crying or if they’re older withdrawing. DO they feel great distress when separating from you? Do they worry way in advance about things that have not happened yet? Do they constantly complain of headaches, stomache aches or dizziness? Any physical symptoms should be checked out by a Doctor but you can ask your child’s paediatrician to investigate anxiety if this is a theme for your child.

Parents should also understand that some children are happy even though they tend to stand on the sidelines. It is not always anxiety some children prefer to observe and take things in tackling tasks or activities when they are ready. It’s important to know when it’s our issue versus theirs.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of, sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

Get Connected: spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.

Fight or Flight Response: When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.

Give it a Name: Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug” for older kids or teens just refer to it as the worry that gets in the way. Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.

Get the Control back: Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control they get nervous about who will take care of them, this aggravates anxiety.

Scaling: get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.

Calm yourself: Sometimes children come by there anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.