Here’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.

I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.

So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.

This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.

Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.

These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.

Here’s what to do:

• Stay Neutral. This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.

• Empathize. This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.

• Don’t lecture. If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.

• Don’t have a parade. If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.

• Watch your agenda. Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.

• Don’t compare. Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.

• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.

• Talk about their brain. When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly

Check out Thefuntheory.com, a site that aims to prove that “fun is the easiest way to change people’s behavior for the better.” Here’s my favorite one:

Obviously, this works well with kids too. According to a New York Times article about the Tools of the Mind program, which is meant to promote self-regulation:

“[C]hildren acting out a dramatic scene can control their impulses much better than they can in nonplay situations. In one experiment, 4-year-old children were first asked to stand still for as long as they could. They typically did not make it past a minute. But when the kids played a make-believe game in which they were guards at a factory, they were able to stand at attention for more than four minutes.”

Remember how much more willing you were to eat your veggies when they were laid out in the shape of a funny face? Dropping your sister off at school is so much more exciting when you pretend you are going on a road trip. And, of course, clean-up time always goes more smoothly when you turn it into a race to see who can do their assigned task fastest.

Got any suggestions to make routine or unpleasant tasks go more smoothly by adding a bit of fun?

Check out the Fall 2009 issue of Think Magazine for Jennifer Kolari’s article about the emotional equipment your child needs for a successful day at school. To be able “to focus, to understand, to learn; and to experience social, academic and emotional success” at school, your child needs rest, resilience, confidence, joy, a willingness to make mistakes, love, trust, understanding, empathy and peace of mind. Have a look at the the full article (scroll to the second page). Enjoy!

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a parent who suspects that her daughter may be gifted at My Child Feels:

Jennifer explains that in gifted children, the left brain, which is logical, mathematical and reasonable, understands too much. The right side of the brain, which regulates emotion, can’t cope with it all. To help gifted children learn to manage their big emotions, Jennifer advises using the CALM technique she discusses in the Connected Parenting book (which includes a section devoted to gifted children). Try to understand your child’s feelings, even if those feelings seem unreasonable, as well as spending extra time cuddling and connecting.

Read Jennifer’s full response at My Child Feels.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Ah, the public tantrum–don’t you love those? It can be mortifying when your little one throws herself on the floor screaming and you feel like the whole world is judging your parenting skills.

Some kids know they can use these public fits to get what they want, others are just tired or over stimulated and don’t know what else to do. Either way, it is so important to handle the situation properly, to ensure that the moment becomes a thing of the past–and to make sure that, in the future, your child will be able to regulate her behaviour when you go out.

The first thing we all need to remember is that talking through your teeth and “whisper screaming” (as one child I worked with called it), is not an effective way to handle a tantrum. While we may think that this tactic is less obvious to those around us, it usually has the exact opposite effect. The key is to forget about what others think and react in public the same way you would at home. Just say to yourself “Ok, here we go, everyone enjoy the show.” The child will learn there is not a difference between outside and inside the home. My recommendation in either setting is to be neutral–yelling never works. Stay calm as you try to respond to the behaviour.

Before you even get into a tantrum situation, frontload your child so they know what will happen if they behave a certain way, help them to make a good choice and above all follow through–don’t make threats that you will not follow through on.

For example, on your way to the mall, empathize with them and say, “You’re going to see all kinds of awesome toys and things you really want, but we are buying a present for your cousins, okay?” They will likely agree until you are in the store and they see something they want. This is where you will get that feeling in your stomach where you think “oh no, here we go, I really don’t want to deal with this.” Breathe through this feeling and ready yourself. Never fear the tantrum, it always makes things worse.

As things escalate, make a couple of mirroring statements: “that is such a cool toy; that’s the one you saw on TV; I get why you want it because it’s so cool.” In my book Connected Parenting, I describe how to mirror using the CALM technique. Essentially, mirroring is a therapist’s technique that helps create a safe place for the child, builds resilience and increases compliance. It is also an effective tool to help children organize and regulate their emotions.

If she still escalates, just tell her you have tried to understand, but that she cannot have the toy. Tell her to go ahead and have a fit and you will wait for her to finish. I love this technique because they will often not meltdown because you have paradoxically allowed it.

The final thing to try is what I call an intervention. Go to the mall or restaurant–not for a nice meal or to do some shopping–but for the sole purpose of leaving if they meltdown. Follow the steps above and then leave if you have to. You won’t be upset because you were prepared to leave anyway and they will learn that you mean business. You will definitely enjoy a peaceful outing next time.

You may be interested in a related post, Tantrums.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is struggling with her in-laws.

Jennifer advises using her CALM method to de-escalate the conflict, employing mirroring statements to show that you understand your in-laws’ point of view. She explains how mirroring actually causes the release of endorphins and opiates in the brain, calming the person you are talking to. Once you have made at least three mirroring statements, you will be able to set limits or ask for compliance. Although it’s often the last thing you feel like doing, following this approach is the most effective way of communicating in difficult situations. Although the Connected Parenting book discusses using the CALM method with your children, it’s equally effective in dealing with your in-laws, husband, or boss.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 14-month-old toddler keeps getting into things and then becomes irate when they are taken away from her.

Jennifer explains that at 14 months, children can understand much more than they can express and that this can lead to frustration-induced tantrums. Jennifer advises using her mirroring technique to show your toddler you understand how upset she is and to articulate what’s upsetting her. Mirroring will defuse the meltdowns, decrease your toddler’s sense of frustration and improve her emotional regulation and language skills.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Check out this clip (scroll forward to about three minutes in) for a great example of empathy that gets Callie her job back at Seattle Grace

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader about how to help a child adjust to her first daycare experience.

Jennifer explains that clinging and whining, or defiance and other yucky behavior, during this period of transition are a youngster’s way of expressing that she is unsure about her bond with her parents now that they are spending more time apart.  Kolari advises that it’s important to let your child know that you’ve gotten the message that this is a big deal for them.  You can do this by paying extra attention to the parent-child connection and even babying your child for a few days.  This will reassure her and give her the confidence she needs to become more independent.  When it is time to take your child to daycare, Kolari says, it’s important to send a message of competence, letting your child know that you are confident that they will be OK and making your goodbyes brief.

I know what you’re thinking…living zen with children? Impossible. Children are excitable, loud, and react to things with impossible intensity. A call for the front seat, or to be the first to hit the elevator button can cause a major incident.

Spring and summer are times when we crave calmness. We all want to
slow down, enjoy the warm beautiful days, and spend time together as a
family. Tantrums, whining, and bickering can seriously disrupt that
vision of family fun in the backyard.

There is a way to create calmness and zen. It takes some practice,
but it is well worth the effort and gets us much closer to our  vision .

As a family therapist I help parents to connect with their children,
with playfulness, compassion, and acceptance, using many of the skills
therapists use in their work with clients.  I will teach parents how to
use the very specialized skill of mirroring in balance with limit
setting as a highly effective and calming way to parent children.

Connected Parenting sounds deceivingly simple, but taking the time
to empathize and connect with our children before we correct or
reprimand, results in children feeling more attached, more loved, and
more eager to please.

When your children are upset, take a moment to connect. Make eye
contact, listen and paraphrase to your child with a few mirroring
statements before correcting their behavior.

Imagine your children are in the pool and your daughter begins
sobbing because her brother has the yellow noodle and she’s stuck with
purple one. A typical parent response might be, “Janie, use the purple
one. There’s no difference. Why does everything have to be such an
issue?” To which Janie might reply, “No fair! Matt gets everything!”
and so on. The conflict will escalate until you threaten that if they
don’t stop fighting, they’ll have to get out of the pool or some such
threat you really don’t want to follow through on.

Using connecting or mirroring, the same scenario would play out much
differently. This time, when Janie wails about her brother’s noodle
superiority, you would say, “I see why you love that yellow noodle.
It’s so bright and beautiful. And you’ve always loved yellow.” Janie
may look surprised at first, then she will most likely say, “Yeah” with
a teary nod. Then you follow up with, “It is so hard when you have your
heart set on something and can’t have it.” To which she will again nod,
no doubt surprised by your empathy, but inwardly delighted to be so
clearly understood.

Now you can sneak in your agenda with ease. “Why don’t we find
something else for you to play with, and in a few minutes you can have
the yellow noodle…” reassuring her that she will be fine. With
surprising consistency, your child will comply and move on without
further issue, leaving you to sip your lemonade and enjoy the rest of
the afternoon–until someone takes the Spongebob towel.