If you are new to Connected Parenting or just want a refresher, check out this interview with Jennifer Kolari about Minimizing Tantrums by Mirroring. The interview gives a great overview of the CALM method and mirroring as well as answering several frequently asked questions.
* You may also want to check out our Mirroring Monday series for lots of great examples of mirroring.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who disagrees with her partner about whether to vaccinate their son. She asks Jennifer how to find out about the pros and cons of vaccination and how to settle the dispute with her partner. Jennifer advises seeking information from more than one source, including both people in favor of and those against vaccination. After gathering information, it’s important to have a respectful and open conversation to try to reach a consensus. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
Live in the Ottawa area? Here’s your chance to see Jennifer Kolari live at the Ottawa Camp Fair. Jennifer will speak from 2-3:30 on March 7, 2010 at the Travelodge Hotel & Conference Centre. This event is open to the public. Read all about it in the Ottawa Citizen.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 3-year-old has tantrums when put into time out. Jennifer advises that losing your temper reinforces your child’s tantrum behavior by giving them the reaction they are looking for. Instead, try to remain neutral and let your child know that they will be OK. If your child won’t remain in time out, Jennifer suggests calmly walking them back to their time out spot without engaging. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!
Getting services for a learning disability. Advice for my U.S. tweeps:http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/health/27patient.html?hpw
Love this! RT @MarjieKnudsen: Impromptu Performance by Elderly Couple of 62 years -http://bit.ly/aC8XzT #health#happiness #relationships
RT @flourishingkids: Playing scrabble on FB with daughter who’s at college. Love that she wants to spend part of her Sat. night with me 
RT @Annie_Fox: When we stop & listen 2 our kids we show that we care enough 2 try 2 understand what they’re feeling http://bit.ly/8bIzO8
RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript #gtchat “Exploring the Role of #Gifted & Talented Teacher” http://bit.ly/bERgHL {scroll to 4:59 pm/GMT)
RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” http://bit.ly/bB6vbz #gtchat (excellent resources!)
Marsha Jacobson on Change http://bit.ly/c1czrA
@alysonschafer Not sure. We’re looking into that:) Thanks for the referral!
The importance of touch http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html
Amazing! RT @alysonschafer: gr8 video wins 2nd place. Gr8 msg and FASCINATING palindrome.http://bit.ly/
TY for the RT @happyhealthyhip: RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid Child http://ow.ly/16DZu8
@psychomia Thanks for the RT!
RT @DeborahMersino: “Finding Age-appropriate Literature for #Gifted Students” will be our 7pm/EST #gtchat topic on Friday!
RT @DeborahMersino: “Exploring the Role of the #Gifted & Talented Teacher” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic this Friday!
RT @AudreyFG: Looking 4-ward to this! RT @DeborahMersino: Readg Experts: Need bk recs 4 students who read 2- 6 levels above avg #gtchat
Check out this article abt how the pwr of a growth mindset is demonstrated by Olympians who use setbacks as motivation http://bit.ly/a9eIAP
Nope. RT @amyrhoda: Is there anything nicer than the contemplative silence of two children engrossed in their Chirp and Chickadee magazines?
RT @inspiringMoms: One of hardest things 4 moms to do is ask 4 help yet if we don’t do it, who is going to teach our… http://bit.ly/cxJox5
RT @sara_winter: Sometimes U need fresh strt RT @AutismMomExpert: Therapy a blast 4 spec needs kids http://ow.ly/1auU7 #autism #specialneeds
RT @bweikle: Very inspiring! Program gives big boost to inner-city students – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/1alu8
Thx for RT @sara_winter Makes sense 4 LOT of kids I know RT @jenniferkolari How Connected Parenting Can Help Your Orchid http://ow.ly/16DZu8
RT @DeborahMersino: Vote now for 02.26 global #gtchat topics: http://twtpoll.com/r/ahu6md #gifted
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
For many families there will be a school break of some sort in the next few weeks and whether you are staying home or going away, here are some tips to help make sure you have a great time:
1. Set loving limits
Behaviour doesn’t take a vacation–it comes with you. Start as soon as you get in the car/to the airport/in the taxi by being fair and kind, but firm right from the get go. This will help your kids know what kind of behaviour you expect for the rest of the trip. It can be counterintuitive because we want to make sure that everyone is having fun, but setting limits early means everyone will be much happier for the rest of the trip.
2. Before you leave – take the whole family to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if need be
If you will be eating at a lot of restaurants on your vacation, then try this little trick. Before your trip, go to a restaurant and let them know that if there is any misbehaving, you will leave. Expect to go home with your meals in a box and be ready for it, then if they misbehave–leave. This will show your kids that you are prepared to do this at restaurants or other activities on vacation as well.
3. Front Load – let them know how you expect them to behave and how you will help them
Start talking to your kids a couple of days before the trip about what kind of behaviour you expect. Decide on what consequences there will be if they misbehave so they know ahead of time and can make good choices. Let them know you will help them with reminders to make those good choices.
4. Talk about the kind of behaviour you expect between siblings
Explain that negative behaviour between siblings gets in the way of everyone’s fun; good behaviour (such as compliments or encouragement) will help make everyone happy. Catch them being kind or thoughtful to one another.
5. Set your own realistic expectations
We think that because we’re going on vacation, all of the things that drive us crazy here at home will go on vacation too. This is usually not the case, and we need to make sure our own expectations are realistic so that we aren’t disappointed.
6. Make sure there is quality family time and alone time each day
As parents, we also want to get in some “me” time during the vacation. Make sure you do some “together activities” that let you and the kids connect – really get in there and play with the kids – then you can tell them that mommy and daddy need time to be adults and they will respect that.
7. Create a trip agenda
Kids like to have some structure. Creating an agenda lets them know what is going to happen each day and helps them to set expectations. It doesn’t have to be detailed or rigid, just give them a sense of what to expect each day, building in lots of time for transitions like getting ready and organized.
8. Stick to bedtimes
Keeping, within reason, the same routine you have at home will ensure they are well-rested each day. It doesn’t have to be the same time as at home, just make sure it’s as consistent as possible. Tiredness is one of the leading causes of difficult behaviour.
9. Make sure to schedule in some downtime
No matter what age we are, we all need a bit of down time each day when we are on vacation. Take some time each afternoon to relax – and have some quiet moments away from distractions, programs and groups of people. This will keep kids from getting overwhelmed and over-stimulated and keep everyone in good spirits.
10. Be playful, loving and silly
A vacation is a great time to bond, cuddle and spend lots of quality time together. Make sure to laugh, be silly and really enjoy the moment–sometimes we can get so caught up in organizing everyone that we lose the joy in it all.
According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”
Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.
Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?
A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.
One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.
Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?
A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.
Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?
A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.
But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.
You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book
Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?
A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.
Other posts about orchid children:
New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 15-month-old daughter has started waking up at night after previously being a good sleeper. Because she is difficult to console when she wakes, the reader has been giving her daughter a bottle, which seems to calm her. Jennifer advises that the reader can continue to give the bottle and hope that the sleep disturbance subsides over time. But if the reader stops giving the bottle, she must hold firm or risk teaching her daughter that she will get a bottle if she has a meltdown. Jennifer discusses different sleep programs and notes that different children respond best to different programs. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
Over the last 15 to 20 years, we have moved from a parent-centered culture to a child-centered culture. We are better at understanding our children, better at empathizing and better at supporting and helping children when they are in need. Children are more protected and enjoy more emotional and physical safety than ever before and as a culture we care more about their feelings and their dignity.
There is a downside, though, and things may have swung a little too far. Many well-meaning parents work too hard to smooth the road for their children. Removing obstacles and bumps may make it easier for us to bear our children’s pain and emotional discomfort, but our children don’t seem to be better off for it. According to clinical psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, “We’re seeing high rates of anxiety and depression. The average college student right now is as anxious as the average psychiatric patient was 50 years ago.”
As a child and family therapist, I see far more anxiety amongst the children I work with than I did years ago. I also see children having more difficulties with emotional regulation, anger and impulse control. If you smooth every bump and remove every obstacle in their way, children will not develop the emotional circuitry to manage bumps when they happen. They will fall apart and overreact because they do not have a repertoire of experiences that they can review and say, “Oh yeah, I handled that and I was ok so I can get through this.” If we do not trust them to learn for themselves, make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can’t build that important repertoire. The irony is that the more we try to make life easier for them, the more upset and anxious they seem to become.
It is hard to watch your child cry when you have to say “no” to something, or set a limit. But if you think it’s tough with a two- or four-year-old, think about how it will look when they are 14 or 16 years old. The truth is it will never be easier than it is right now to change and correct behaviors.
Staying neutral, being loving and predictable while setting fair and reasonable limits is the greatest gift you can give your child. It will help them become capable, resilient and secure. Adolescence is around the corner. It may seem like you have a lifetime with your children but they really do grow up quickly. Support them. Guide them. And, love them well. Be empathic and fair, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Let them experience some disappointment and give them messages of competence that help them see that they can, and will, get over it and be okay. Help them to be accountable for their mistakes and behaviors. They will be better prepared for life and a whole lot happier.
For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (or just didn’t have the time this week), here are @Jenniferkolari’s tweets, including lots of great links and useful resources. Enjoy!
RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 02.12 noon/EST #gtchat, “Homework: Battles or Bliss”: http://bit.ly/b7yua4 #gifted {halfway down}
Have a sick child who doesn’t want to take their meds? Try these tricks http://drkimmd.com/2009/01/15/tip-for-masking-medication-taste/
RT @parentingpolls: When was the last time you really thought what it would be like to be ‘Your Child’? http://parentingpolls.com/?p=426
RT @Louiseasl: Want to learn how to #sign in #ASL“Happy Valentine’s Day!?” Well, here you go-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJUgq8Tsuwk
RT @BillGates: http://twitpic.com/12tv5l – KIPP – “Promises to children are sacred”
Great ideas! RT @bweikle: If you’re staying in on Family Day, try these ideas: Stuck Indoors? – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/16Ssg
RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 7pm/EST #gtchat “Discovering Passion: Helping #Gifted Kids Find Inspiration” http://bit.ly/91qqyG
RT @bweikle: RT @BunchFamily #Bunchland got dads to write love letters 2 their families for our V-Day Special Edition. http://bit.ly/9VLYoh
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
Thanks for the #FF @JacquelineGreen!
Thanks! RT @CozyCoach: Wonderful article! Taking Time for Yourself http://ow.ly/16xqq2 by @Jenniferkolari
@Annie_Fox Slowly …
Congrats Annie! RT @Annie_Fox: Six blogs every parent should read ‘Cuz you’ve got too much time on your hands! ;O) http://bit.ly/bOaitu
RT @BrendaNixon: Today and everyday, affirm your child, discipline, nurture, and watch for progress – not perfection. ~Brenda Nixon
Thanks @amyrhoda! I agree – empathy IS hard. Hope you enjoy the book. Let me know what you think…
Here’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.
I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.
So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has started to put things up his nose. Jennifer suggests keeping small items out of reach and trying to remain neutral while indicating that putting things in your nose is not safe. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
There are so many articles and blogs out there about how important it is for mothers to take care of themselves. Most of us read and nod in an agreement with a vague promise that we have to do that, but then we never quite get to it, or if we do it doesn’t last long. That advice is out there for a reason and a very important one. Why do you think on an airplane they tell parents to put on the mask first? Being exhausted and only doing everything for others is not healthy for you–and it’s not what’s best for your kids.
Being a great parent means taking care of yourself and modeling that self care for your family. Many of my blogs so far have been about what we can do for our kids. And following this advice means being strong and ready to take on the challenge. As Moms we are used to those challenges, doing everything for others, multitasking, being on the move, driving to dance classes, making lunches, breaking up arguments, helping with homework and on and on. Many mothers feel guilty when they do things for themselves and, as a result, get depleted.
Finding time to rest, eat well, and spend time doing things we like may sound like things you don’t have energy for, but they are critical to good parenting. We can’t be the parent we want to be if we are at our wits end most of the time. Here are some practical tips to help you take care of yourself. Remember: giving to yourself is a gift to your family.
1. Go on a virtual vacation
Close the door and sit at the computer, choose some great music for the background, go to the place where you keep your pictures on the computer and hit slide show mode. You can run pictures of vacations you’ve been on and get swept away. Or look at photos of a happy family gathering and see those smiling faces. This is what you do it all for.
2. Get together with friends
Choose a night once or twice a month to get together with good friends and stick to it. And don’t spend all night talking about the kids!
3. Walk
Go for a walk alone in nature if possible.
4. Express your creativity
A few hours doing something creative apart from your family can do a lot to recharge your batteries.
5. Take a bath with candles, music or a great book
I know this sounds corny and cliché, but it really is soothing and comforting. Bring a book or listen to a great book on your iPod to take yourself away and relax. Choose a bath night and tell your whole family you are sticking to it and to respect that time.
6. Get a Mother’s Helper
See if there’s a younger teen or tween in your neighborhood who can help you once a week. If they’re too young to babysit, they can help by playing with younger kids so you can get other things done, or rest. Little ones are fascinated by bigger kids and the tween or young teen will love the responsibility.
7. Delegate
It won’t always be done just the way you like it, but it is important to spread responsibilities around. It’s good for the kids and it’s good for you. Get your kids to help out.
8. Laugh
Take time to laugh and be silly. Rent a great DVD of a standup comedian, watch a funny movie and laugh–it’s so healing and so fun.
Jennifer Kolari will speak at Greenwood College School tomorrow evening (February 9) at 7:00 p.m. This event is open to the public so come on out and join us.
Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).
This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Jennifer Kolari. Enjoy!
As many of you know, my 6-year-old daughter Olivia can be quite a handful. She gives us great joy but is a gladiator child. She knows what she wants and she fights hard for it. We follow the Connected Parenting program and as long as we stick to it, we all manage very well. She is free to be herself and enjoy life with the safety and freedom of knowing that we understand her and set loving limits. It took a while to get here but it’s worth it.
Last year she had some difficulties at school. Nothing too major but she could be impulsive, a little aggressive and a challenge for the teacher. After getting over the embarrassment and wanting to walk into the school with a paper bag over my head, she settled down nicely. This year at our parent/teacher interview, Olivia’s teacher shared a remarkable mirroring story with us that made us both very proud and confirmed why this technique is so important.
Olivia had been building a castle of blocks that she had been working really hard on. A little boy, we’ll call him David, was playing nearby and kept trying to drive his cars up the ramp to the tower she had built. As he played with his cars his feet were also dangerously close to the tower which got Olivia worried. Instead of acting impulsively, Olivia went to the teacher and asked for help before the tower came tumbling down. The teacher was pleased with this and headed back to the carpet with Olivia to help out. As they walked towards the castle David’s car hit the tower as he drove it up the ramp and the castle came tumbling down. The teacher braced herself, sure that Olivia would lose it.
Olivia went over to David and said, “That ramp looked really cool and it was pretty hard for you not to drive your cars on it. I know you didn’t knock it down on purpose.” A perfect mirroring statement with her agenda aside and full of understanding! David immediately apologized saying he felt terrible because he knew Olivia had worked so hard on the castle. A beautiful mirroring statement back! Then the two of them went on to repair the castle together. The teacher was very moved and impressed that two little children had found such a nice way to work out what could have been a very ugly situation.
The beauty of mirroring is that the more you use this technique with your children the more they use it on each other. It is a gift to your children in so many ways and a gift to those around them.
Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who doesn’t feel like her doctor listens to her. Jennifer suggests approaching the doctor neutrally to find a way to work together. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
Last chance to sign up for a 4-week Parenting Workshop in Toronto with Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari. The workshop will build your skills with material from the Connected Parenting workshop, the Connected Parenting Advanced Strategies workshop, and the Parenting with Brains workshop.
Dates: Wednesday evenings, February 3, 10, 17 and March 3, 2010
Times: 7:30-9:00 p.m.
Where: Armour Heights Community Centre, 2140 Avenue Rd., Toronto
Cost: $250 for an individual or $300 for a couple
To register, contact Rebecca Lindsay at info@connectedparenting.ca or 416-781-4700.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is wondering whether it’s a good idea to get a dog when you have three children under the age of 5. Jennifer agrees that pets can teach children about empathy and unconditional love but cautions that, based on her personal experience, they usually end up being a lot of work for the parents. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
Tune in to CBC Radio 1 tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m. to hear Jennifer Kolari on Fresh Air. For anyone whose progeny allow them to sleep in on the occasional Saturday morning, the interview will be available here if you miss it the first time around. Enjoy!
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
Some parents find they feel closer to one child than the other, which can cause terrible guilt and a great deal of stress. We can’t choose our children and their different personalities can mesh–or–clash with our own. It’s not easy when we feel an easy love for one child, and a love that takes more work for another.
Sometimes this just has to do with personality–we often get frustrated by the traits in our children that we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes we react to behaviors and tendencies our children have that remind us of things we don’t like about our spouse, or a relative we have trouble getting along with. And as we react to our children, they often act out in return–often exaggerating the behaviors we dislike the most.
If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to protect your relationship with your child and to ensure that things do not become more challenging between you–or to repair the damage if they already have.
• Make sure to spend special connecting time with this child for a few minutes every day.
• Make sure you tell your child what you admire or appreciate about them, taking special note of things they did that were positive that day.
• Make sure to cuddle and be nurturing to them every day. Stroke their cheeks, look into their eyes and make them feel delicious. Do this even if it’s a struggle–it will help the bond and improve behavior.
• Write them little notes to leave in their lunch, or on their bedroom door.
• Use humor and jokes to bond and enjoy one another. Take time to be silly and playful.
• Catch yourself if you spend more time with one child over the other, or if you speak to one child in a gentler way. If they are complaining about it, there may be a reason.
• Be aware of overcompensating (or protecting one child over the other if you notice your spouse favoring one child).
• Find and celebrate the strengths in all your children. Traits that make them a challenge to parent may make them strong and competent adults one day.
• Don’t beat yourself up, just because you are a parent does not mean you are not a human being. It is normal to react to difficult behaviors. And if you do overreact, you can always go back and repair.
Feeling this way does not make you a bad person or a bad parent, it just means you are reacting to a dynamic and that it is important to be aware of that and to be aware of your contribution to that dynamic. If they push you away or reject you, try not to act hurt. Respond in a neutral way and try again later, or try something more subtle, like finding a cute picture of them and talk about how adorable they are in it. Remember every child needs to feel loved and lovable; it is the single most protective thing in terms of good emotional and social health.
It is also important to realize that the child, whom you feel like giving that nurturing attention to the least, is the one who needs it the most.
You may recall that back in October I recommended that anyone looking for a great nursery/kindergarten check out the e.p.i.c. School open house. As I said at the time, we’ve had an amazing experience at the school. This Thursday, January 28, from 1-3:30 p.m., prospective parents can see the school in action.
After you’ve tucked the kiddies into bed, head back to e.p.i.c. at 7:00 p.m. to see Jennifer Kolari speak at e.p.i.c.’s Parent Education Night, which is open to the public. Tickets can be purchased at the door for $10. Don’t miss out!
e.p.i.c. is at 111 Manor Rd. E. at the corner of Manor and Redpath. Contact the school at info@epicschool.com or call 416-489-0132.
Don’t miss out on hearing Jennifer Kolari discuss the Connected Parenting book on the Parent’s Plate with Brenda Nixon today at 10am!
Jennifer Kolari will be discussing the Connected Parenting book on the Parent’s Plate with Brenda Nixon on January 26, 2009 at 10am.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has a limited diet and does not like to try new foods. Jennifer explains that it’s important to stay neutral – don’t get too upset when your child doesn’t want to eat something and don’t have a parade for them when they do. It doesn’t take long for a child to learn that his or her eating behavior can really push your buttons. Jennifer suggests calmly continuing to offer different foods, modelling trying new foods yourself, and allowing your child to get used to new foods slowly. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]
My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.
This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.
Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.
These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.
Here’s what to do:
• Stay Neutral. This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.
• Empathize. This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.
• Don’t lecture. If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.
• Don’t have a parade. If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.
• Watch your agenda. Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.
• Don’t compare. Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.
• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.
• Talk about their brain. When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly
Get a chance to work with Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari this February with a 4-week Parenting Workshop in Toronto. The workshop will build your skills with material from the Connected Parenting workshop, the Connected Parenting Advanced Strategies workshop, and the Parenting with Brains workshop.
Here are the deets:
Dates: Wednesday evenings, February 3, 10, 17 and March 3, 2010
Times: 7:30-9:00 p.m.
Where: Armour Heights Community Centre, 2140 Avenue Rd., Toronto
Cost: $250 for an individual or $300 for a couple
To register, contact Rebecca Lindsay at info@connectedparenting.ca or 416-781-4700.
Check out a more detailed description of the workshop: after the jump
@JacquelineGreen over at Great Parenting Practices posted a great piece yesterday discussing how she used mirroring to solve a recurring conflict between her children. Once her daughter felt understood, the solution quickly followed. Head over and read the whole story.
This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose son made the switch to big boy underwear but started to suffer setbacks after a couple of weeks when the novelty of his potty rewards wore off. Jennifer advises that absolute neutrality is key, avoiding celebration when things go well and anger and upset when things go badly. Jennifer explains that making a big deal can make kids anxious or teach them that potty behavior is a great way to push our buttons. Finally, Jennifer recommends going back to pull-ups, reassuring your child that it’s OK if they aren’t ready for underwear and that they will be one day. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.
In case you missed it, you can catch a recording of my teleseminar last week at Great Parenting Practices, which will be up until this Thursday. I answered lots of great questions from participants in the seminar and had a great time chatting with @JacquelineGreen. Enjoy!
Check out this article about Neola’s success and future plans. Amazing!
Want to find out more about Neola? Read some of our previous posts here, here, here and here, or go to Neola’s Facebook page.
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