If you are new to Connected Parenting or just want a refresher, check out this interview with Jennifer Kolari about Minimizing Tantrums by Mirroring. The interview gives a great overview of the CALM method and mirroring as well as answering several frequently asked questions.

* You may also want to check out our Mirroring Monday series for lots of great examples of mirroring.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Kelly Parisa. Enjoy!

I am the mother of two teenage daughters. They love each other dearly, but they also love their clothes.

One afternoon, Aubrey (our oldest), came storming in: “She keeps stealing my clothes! Look! She took these pants and now they are all dirty when I want to wear them tonight! She does this all the time!”

So (torn between thinking… ”How many times do we have to have THIS fight?!” and “Oh my gosh, like I have time to battle this out again, in the midst of cooking dinner, paying bills, feeding the dog and doing laundry!”) I took a breath, and mirrored instead…

“Again? She went in your room and took those pants and you want to wear them to dance class tonight! She does this all the time! What should we do?”

Aubrey already had a more relaxed body and the hint of a smile on her lips. “Go kick her butt!”

“Okay! Let’s go! We’ll go kick her butt!” “Storming” off together I could already feel humor in the air and a change in attitude from furious to feisty.

We made our way to Sydney’s room and I gently put my foot on Sydney’s bottom… “We are here to kick your butt” I declared! Sydney laughed.

As Aubrey began to reiterate her claim to her own clothes, Sydney chimed in with the old familiar, “She does it to me all the time! She comes in my room and takes stuff and doesn’t ask me either!”

“So it happens to you too! You have things you want to wear and she’s taking them from you! It’s happening up and down the hall!”

“Yeah, so she does it to me, and I do it to her!”

“You both do it…and you both get so mad and can‘t find the things you want to wear, when you want to wear them! She does it to you and you do it to her and she does it to you…”

At this point, they began laughing (probably realizing the on-going futility of this fight) and I was able to leave them to their own devices (wrestling and giggling). Smiling down the hall I was thinking, “This isn’t the first time they’ve battled this out and it won’t be the last…”

The next week, while running errands with Sydney, I said, “Hey, isn’t that Aubrey’s jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she know you’re wearing it?”

“Oh we worked all that out. We decided we can borrow each other’s clothes (except for a few things) and it’s okay.”

“How’d you guys arrive at that?”

“Oh, we just decided we fight too much about it and it’s not good. So we worked it out.”

A little mirroring and a little humor, mixed with some time and trust to resolve their own issues…a recipe for self-reliance, with a dash of sisterly-bonding thrown in.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Rebecca Lindsay. Enjoy!

My Connected Parenting partner Kelly Parisa and I run an after school social skills group for children in Kindergarten through Grade 2. One afternoon (our third class), one of our boys arrived with his arms crossed determined not to come in. He was escorted to our room by his teacher who warned me, “He really doesn’t want to be here today. Good luck!”

My first reaction (thankfully I didn’t act on it) was… really? Why would he not want to come? We talk… We share… We read… We play games… We do art… This class is great! How could he possibly not want to come? However, instead of being defensive and then trying to convince him that he was going to have a good time, I left Kelly with the group, went over to him, plunked myself down with him at the door and mirrored… It went something like this…

“This is the last place you want to be right now!”

“Ya… I don’t even want to come in. It’s boring!”

“So, here you are thinking that this class is going to be so fun, and you’ve been here for 2 weeks and it has been boring.”

“Yep. All we ever do is talk.”

“Well that’s no fun. You’ve come here thinking that we’re going to do fun things and all we do is talk and that’s not fun for you.” His arms unfold and he begins to come into the room peering around the corner to see what the rest of the group is doing.

“No. It’s never fun.”

“Sitting around and talking is so not fun and having fun is important to you, especially after a long day of school.”

Taking a step into the class and leaning into me, He said, “Ya. But, we did read a book last week.”

“And that was a little bit fun, but still too much talking.”

“Ya… and we colored…”

By this time, he was only half paying attention to me and was walking away from me toward the group. He turned around while he was halfway there and said over his shoulder, “Well, today is going to be my last day…”

Escalation avoided… He returned the following week without incident.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Janis Beach. Enjoy!

A client walked into my office last week excitedly exclaiming “I nailed it — I’m getting this mirroring thing!”

She went on to tell me that after some ‘discussion’ her 7 year old daughter had gone up to her room to put away her laundry and generally tidy her room. As my client (mom) went by the room she could hear her daughter mumbling to herself with great intensity in a way that usually would escalate into a meltdown and an exhausting scene! Taking a deep breath mom went into the room and said “Finding just the right place for those socks sure is frustrating, eh? Want some help?” Her daughter turned to her and said in a very calm way, “No thanks. I’m good.”

Perfectionist meltdown averted!

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Cindy Smolkin. Enjoy!

This morning my 5-year-old son and I arrived at his school for our usual morning drop off. Prior to leaving the house we had a big debate about whether it was his class’s turn to be in the yard or in class before the bell rang. The debate was really about whether he needed to wear his snowpants or not. His heels were not dug in too deeply and it was quite easy for him to get to a place of agreement to put on his snowpants as the thought of putting them on in the car and missing yard time was not too appealing. However, when we arrived and saw that yes, in fact, it was his class’s turn to be out in the yard, he asked (with a bit more urgency) if I could wait until the bell rang, meet him inside and help him to remove his snowpants as it was too crowded and he needed help. My internal knee-jerk response was to giggle and say something like,

“You take your snowpants off every day by yourself. In fact, your teacher tells me that you are one of the fastest to get dressed and undressed.”

But, feeling pretty patient at that moment, and really hearing what my son was saying, instead I said,

“Yeah … there are a lot of kids in your class and the area to change in is pretty small. It must get pretty crowded. I bet people end up stepping over one another.”

He laughed and said, “Okay mom. Bye.” And that was the end of that.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

Here’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.

I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.

So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Jennifer Kolari. Enjoy!

As many of you know, my 6-year-old daughter Olivia can be quite a handful. She gives us great joy but is a gladiator child. She knows what she wants and she fights hard for it. We follow the Connected Parenting program and as long as we stick to it, we all manage very well. She is free to be herself and enjoy life with the safety and freedom of knowing that we understand her and set loving limits. It took a while to get here but it’s worth it.

Last year she had some difficulties at school. Nothing too major but she could be impulsive, a little aggressive and a challenge for the teacher. After getting over the embarrassment and wanting to walk into the school with a paper bag over my head, she settled down nicely. This year at our parent/teacher interview, Olivia’s teacher shared a remarkable mirroring story with us that made us both very proud and confirmed why this technique is so important.

Olivia had been building a castle of blocks that she had been working really hard on. A little boy, we’ll call him David, was playing nearby and kept trying to drive his cars up the ramp to the tower she had built. As he played with his cars his feet were also dangerously close to the tower which got Olivia worried. Instead of acting impulsively, Olivia went to the teacher and asked for help before the tower came tumbling down. The teacher was pleased with this and headed back to the carpet with Olivia to help out. As they walked towards the castle David’s car hit the tower as he drove it up the ramp and the castle came tumbling down. The teacher braced herself, sure that Olivia would lose it.

Olivia went over to David and said, “That ramp looked really cool and it was pretty hard for you not to drive your cars on it. I know you didn’t knock it down on purpose.” A perfect mirroring statement with her agenda aside and full of understanding! David immediately apologized saying he felt terrible because he knew Olivia had worked so hard on the castle. A beautiful mirroring statement back! Then the two of them went on to repair the castle together. The teacher was very moved and impressed that two little children had found such a nice way to work out what could have been a very ugly situation.

The beauty of mirroring is that the more you use this technique with your children the more they use it on each other. It is a gift to your children in so many ways and a gift to those around them.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

@JacquelineGreen over at Great Parenting Practices posted a great piece yesterday discussing how she used mirroring to solve a recurring conflict between her children. Once her daughter felt understood, the solution quickly followed. Head over and read the whole story.

In case you missed it, you can catch a recording of my teleseminar last week at Great Parenting Practices, which will be up until this Thursday. I answered lots of great questions from participants in the seminar and had a great time chatting with @JacquelineGreen. Enjoy!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about how to deal with a tween who is increasingly hostile. Jennifer explains that teenagers’ brains are still maturing and they may have trouble keeping perspective. She advises parents not to take their child’s behavior personally and to be extra-vigilant about using their best parenting practices, such as mirroring and neutrally enforcing limits, to ensure that their children continue to feel lovable even as they act out. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

As we celebrate our families this Thanksgiving, here are five techniques to be thankful for from the Connected Parenting book:

5. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Consistent limits give your child a sense of security. They know that someone is looking out for them.

4. Staying neutral. Staying neutral keeps a difficult situation from escalating, avoids rewarding bad behavior with negative attention, and allows you to think more clearly.

3. Connected play. Cuddling, looking into your child’s eyes, or looking at baby pictures with your child all cause your child’s brain to release endorphins, making them feel calm and happy.

2. Mirroring. Use the CALM method to connect with your child, match his affect, and really listen to what your child is trying to tell you to create genuine mirroring.

1. Making your child feel delicious. Most of all, be thankful for your wonderful child who loves you to pieces.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a parent who suspects that her daughter may be gifted at My Child Feels:

Jennifer explains that in gifted children, the left brain, which is logical, mathematical and reasonable, understands too much. The right side of the brain, which regulates emotion, can’t cope with it all. To help gifted children learn to manage their big emotions, Jennifer advises using the CALM technique she discusses in the Connected Parenting book (which includes a section devoted to gifted children). Try to understand your child’s feelings, even if those feelings seem unreasonable, as well as spending extra time cuddling and connecting.

Read Jennifer’s full response at My Child Feels.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Ah, the public tantrum–don’t you love those? It can be mortifying when your little one throws herself on the floor screaming and you feel like the whole world is judging your parenting skills.

Some kids know they can use these public fits to get what they want, others are just tired or over stimulated and don’t know what else to do. Either way, it is so important to handle the situation properly, to ensure that the moment becomes a thing of the past–and to make sure that, in the future, your child will be able to regulate her behaviour when you go out.

The first thing we all need to remember is that talking through your teeth and “whisper screaming” (as one child I worked with called it), is not an effective way to handle a tantrum. While we may think that this tactic is less obvious to those around us, it usually has the exact opposite effect. The key is to forget about what others think and react in public the same way you would at home. Just say to yourself “Ok, here we go, everyone enjoy the show.” The child will learn there is not a difference between outside and inside the home. My recommendation in either setting is to be neutral–yelling never works. Stay calm as you try to respond to the behaviour.

Before you even get into a tantrum situation, frontload your child so they know what will happen if they behave a certain way, help them to make a good choice and above all follow through–don’t make threats that you will not follow through on.

For example, on your way to the mall, empathize with them and say, “You’re going to see all kinds of awesome toys and things you really want, but we are buying a present for your cousins, okay?” They will likely agree until you are in the store and they see something they want. This is where you will get that feeling in your stomach where you think “oh no, here we go, I really don’t want to deal with this.” Breathe through this feeling and ready yourself. Never fear the tantrum, it always makes things worse.

As things escalate, make a couple of mirroring statements: “that is such a cool toy; that’s the one you saw on TV; I get why you want it because it’s so cool.” In my book Connected Parenting, I describe how to mirror using the CALM technique. Essentially, mirroring is a therapist’s technique that helps create a safe place for the child, builds resilience and increases compliance. It is also an effective tool to help children organize and regulate their emotions.

If she still escalates, just tell her you have tried to understand, but that she cannot have the toy. Tell her to go ahead and have a fit and you will wait for her to finish. I love this technique because they will often not meltdown because you have paradoxically allowed it.

The final thing to try is what I call an intervention. Go to the mall or restaurant–not for a nice meal or to do some shopping–but for the sole purpose of leaving if they meltdown. Follow the steps above and then leave if you have to. You won’t be upset because you were prepared to leave anyway and they will learn that you mean business. You will definitely enjoy a peaceful outing next time.

You may be interested in a related post, Tantrums.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose nineteen-month-old son has been clinging to his father and acting out when he doesn’t get his father’s immediate attention.

Jennifer explains that this behaviour is common and may result from attachment worries, especially if the parent travels frequently or works long hours. Jennifer notes that trying to keep Dad away can exacerbate the situation, causing the child to escalate in protest. Instead, she recommends that Mom use her mirroring technique, saying: “You want Daddy, you see me all the time and it’s Daddy you want, you love Daddy, I love him too, I can see why you want to be with him.” This will show your child that you understand both his message and its urgency. Jennifer also suggests that Dad spend about half an hour of focussed time with his child as soon as he arrives home. After this, the child will usually feel they’ve gotten what they need and will accept it when Dad moves on to another activity. If they don’t, or if Dad isn’t immediately available on occasion, use mirroring statements to calm the child. Finally, Jennifer advises that Mom spend several minutes once or twice a day on baby play with her child so that their bond doesn’t get frayed while dealing with all the “Daddy meltdowns.”

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner. You may also want to read our related post: When Kids Play Favourites.

Check out this clip of a Today’s Parent Minute on 680 news. Today’s Parent Editor in Chief, Caroline Connell, discusses the Connected Parenting book and Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique!

Jacqueline Green at Great Parenting Practices has written an amazing review of the Connected Parenting book. She calls Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique “the best technique [she's] encountered in ten years of parenting education.”

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is struggling with her in-laws.

Jennifer advises using her CALM method to de-escalate the conflict, employing mirroring statements to show that you understand your in-laws’ point of view. She explains how mirroring actually causes the release of endorphins and opiates in the brain, calming the person you are talking to. Once you have made at least three mirroring statements, you will be able to set limits or ask for compliance. Although it’s often the last thing you feel like doing, following this approach is the most effective way of communicating in difficult situations. Although the Connected Parenting book discusses using the CALM method with your children, it’s equally effective in dealing with your in-laws, husband, or boss.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 14-month-old toddler keeps getting into things and then becomes irate when they are taken away from her.

Jennifer explains that at 14 months, children can understand much more than they can express and that this can lead to frustration-induced tantrums. Jennifer advises using her mirroring technique to show your toddler you understand how upset she is and to articulate what’s upsetting her. Mirroring will defuse the meltdowns, decrease your toddler’s sense of frustration and improve her emotional regulation and language skills.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

A recent essay by “Neanderdad” on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode explores what happens when a child favours one parent over the other. In Neanderdad’s case, his daughter suddenly insisted that Mommy do bedtime duty, even though it was the household practice to alternate nights and it wasn’t Mommy’s turn. Neanderdad describes his hurt feelings at this inexplicable turn of events and his uncertainty about what to do. While most parents have faced this problem at one time or another, it can be tricky to deal with.

Jennifer Kolari directly addresses the problem in Chapter 13 of the Connected Parenting book. She recommends that parents use her mirroring technique to avoid being defensive and escalating the situation. Kolari advises parents in Neanderdad’s position to say:

“I know you love your mommy. I understand why you want your mommy. Of course you want her: she’s wonderful.”

Kolari explains that this kind of statement “makes you an ally rather than an opponent, and more often than not, at that point the child will simply stop asking for Mommy.”

In Neanderdad’s case, he and his wife decide not to make a big deal about their daughter’s strongly stated preference and to switch nights. When Neanderdad gets ready to leave his daughter’s bedroom, she resists, begging him to stay after all. Because he doesn’t become defensive, the situation doesn’t escalate. In his Neanderdad-ish way, he shows his daughter that he understands that she loves her mommy and lets her know that he won’t get between them.