Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Kelly Parisa. Enjoy!

I am the mother of two teenage daughters. They love each other dearly, but they also love their clothes.

One afternoon, Aubrey (our oldest), came storming in: “She keeps stealing my clothes! Look! She took these pants and now they are all dirty when I want to wear them tonight! She does this all the time!”

So (torn between thinking… ”How many times do we have to have THIS fight?!” and “Oh my gosh, like I have time to battle this out again, in the midst of cooking dinner, paying bills, feeding the dog and doing laundry!”) I took a breath, and mirrored instead…

“Again? She went in your room and took those pants and you want to wear them to dance class tonight! She does this all the time! What should we do?”

Aubrey already had a more relaxed body and the hint of a smile on her lips. “Go kick her butt!”

“Okay! Let’s go! We’ll go kick her butt!” “Storming” off together I could already feel humor in the air and a change in attitude from furious to feisty.

We made our way to Sydney’s room and I gently put my foot on Sydney’s bottom… “We are here to kick your butt” I declared! Sydney laughed.

As Aubrey began to reiterate her claim to her own clothes, Sydney chimed in with the old familiar, “She does it to me all the time! She comes in my room and takes stuff and doesn’t ask me either!”

“So it happens to you too! You have things you want to wear and she’s taking them from you! It’s happening up and down the hall!”

“Yeah, so she does it to me, and I do it to her!”

“You both do it…and you both get so mad and can‘t find the things you want to wear, when you want to wear them! She does it to you and you do it to her and she does it to you…”

At this point, they began laughing (probably realizing the on-going futility of this fight) and I was able to leave them to their own devices (wrestling and giggling). Smiling down the hall I was thinking, “This isn’t the first time they’ve battled this out and it won’t be the last…”

The next week, while running errands with Sydney, I said, “Hey, isn’t that Aubrey’s jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she know you’re wearing it?”

“Oh we worked all that out. We decided we can borrow each other’s clothes (except for a few things) and it’s okay.”

“How’d you guys arrive at that?”

“Oh, we just decided we fight too much about it and it’s not good. So we worked it out.”

A little mirroring and a little humor, mixed with some time and trust to resolve their own issues…a recipe for self-reliance, with a dash of sisterly-bonding thrown in.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who disagrees with her partner about whether to vaccinate their son. She asks Jennifer how to find out about the pros and cons of vaccination and how to settle the dispute with her partner. Jennifer advises seeking information from more than one source, including both people in favor of and those against vaccination. After gathering information, it’s important to have a respectful and open conversation to try to reach a consensus. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Rebecca Lindsay. Enjoy!

My Connected Parenting partner Kelly Parisa and I run an after school social skills group for children in Kindergarten through Grade 2. One afternoon (our third class), one of our boys arrived with his arms crossed determined not to come in. He was escorted to our room by his teacher who warned me, “He really doesn’t want to be here today. Good luck!”

My first reaction (thankfully I didn’t act on it) was… really? Why would he not want to come? We talk… We share… We read… We play games… We do art… This class is great! How could he possibly not want to come? However, instead of being defensive and then trying to convince him that he was going to have a good time, I left Kelly with the group, went over to him, plunked myself down with him at the door and mirrored… It went something like this…

“This is the last place you want to be right now!”

“Ya… I don’t even want to come in. It’s boring!”

“So, here you are thinking that this class is going to be so fun, and you’ve been here for 2 weeks and it has been boring.”

“Yep. All we ever do is talk.”

“Well that’s no fun. You’ve come here thinking that we’re going to do fun things and all we do is talk and that’s not fun for you.” His arms unfold and he begins to come into the room peering around the corner to see what the rest of the group is doing.

“No. It’s never fun.”

“Sitting around and talking is so not fun and having fun is important to you, especially after a long day of school.”

Taking a step into the class and leaning into me, He said, “Ya. But, we did read a book last week.”

“And that was a little bit fun, but still too much talking.”

“Ya… and we colored…”

By this time, he was only half paying attention to me and was walking away from me toward the group. He turned around while he was halfway there and said over his shoulder, “Well, today is going to be my last day…”

Escalation avoided… He returned the following week without incident.

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 3-year-old has tantrums when put into time out. Jennifer advises that losing your temper reinforces your child’s tantrum behavior by giving them the reaction they are looking for. Instead, try to remain neutral and let your child know that they will be OK. If your child won’t remain in time out, Jennifer suggests calmly walking them back to their time out spot without engaging. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

For many families there will be a school break of some sort in the next few weeks and whether you are staying home or going away, here are some tips to help make sure you have a great time:

1. Set loving limits

Behaviour doesn’t take a vacation–it comes with you. Start as soon as you get in the car/to the airport/in the taxi by being fair and kind, but firm right from the get go. This will help your kids know what kind of behaviour you expect for the rest of the trip. It can be counterintuitive because we want to make sure that everyone is having fun, but setting limits early means everyone will be much happier for the rest of the trip.

2. Before you leave – take the whole family to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if need be

If you will be eating at a lot of restaurants on your vacation, then try this little trick. Before your trip, go to a restaurant and let them know that if there is any misbehaving, you will leave. Expect to go home with your meals in a box and be ready for it, then if they misbehave–leave. This will show your kids that you are prepared to do this at restaurants or other activities on vacation as well.

3. Front Load – let them know how you expect them to behave and how you will help them

Start talking to your kids a couple of days before the trip about what kind of behaviour you expect. Decide on what consequences there will be if they misbehave so they know ahead of time and can make good choices. Let them know you will help them with reminders to make those good choices.

4. Talk about the kind of behaviour you expect between siblings

Explain that negative behaviour between siblings gets in the way of everyone’s fun; good behaviour (such as compliments or encouragement) will help make everyone happy. Catch them being kind or thoughtful to one another.

5. Set your own realistic expectations

We think that because we’re going on vacation, all of the things that drive us crazy here at home will go on vacation too. This is usually not the case, and we need to make sure our own expectations are realistic so that we aren’t disappointed.

6. Make sure there is quality family time and alone time each day

As parents, we also want to get in some “me” time during the vacation. Make sure you do some “together activities” that let you and the kids connect – really get in there and play with the kids – then you can tell them that mommy and daddy need time to be adults and they will respect that.

7. Create a trip agenda

Kids like to have some structure. Creating an agenda lets them know what is going to happen each day and helps them to set expectations. It doesn’t have to be detailed or rigid, just give them a sense of what to expect each day, building in lots of time for transitions like getting ready and organized.

8. Stick to bedtimes

Keeping, within reason, the same routine you have at home will ensure they are well-rested each day. It doesn’t have to be the same time as at home, just make sure it’s as consistent as possible. Tiredness is one of the leading causes of difficult behaviour.

9. Make sure to schedule in some downtime

No matter what age we are, we all need a bit of down time each day when we are on vacation. Take some time each afternoon to relax – and have some quiet moments away from distractions, programs and groups of people. This will keep kids from getting overwhelmed and over-stimulated and keep everyone in good spirits.

10. Be playful, loving and silly

A vacation is a great time to bond, cuddle and spend lots of quality time together. Make sure to laugh, be silly and really enjoy the moment–sometimes we can get so caught up in organizing everyone that we lose the joy in it all.

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Janis Beach. Enjoy!

A client walked into my office last week excitedly exclaiming “I nailed it — I’m getting this mirroring thing!”

She went on to tell me that after some ‘discussion’ her 7 year old daughter had gone up to her room to put away her laundry and generally tidy her room. As my client (mom) went by the room she could hear her daughter mumbling to herself with great intensity in a way that usually would escalate into a meltdown and an exhausting scene! Taking a deep breath mom went into the room and said “Finding just the right place for those socks sure is frustrating, eh? Want some help?” Her daughter turned to her and said in a very calm way, “No thanks. I’m good.”

Perfectionist meltdown averted!

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose 15-month-old daughter has started waking up at night after previously being a good sleeper. Because she is difficult to console when she wakes, the reader has been giving her daughter a bottle, which seems to calm her. Jennifer advises that the reader can continue to give the bottle and hope that the sleep disturbance subsides over time. But if the reader stops giving the bottle, she must hold firm or risk teaching her daughter that she will get a bottle if she has a meltdown. Jennifer discusses different sleep programs and notes that different children respond best to different programs. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Over the last 15 to 20 years, we have moved from a parent-centered culture to a child-centered culture. We are better at understanding our children, better at empathizing and better at supporting and helping children when they are in need. Children are more protected and enjoy more emotional and physical safety than ever before and as a culture we care more about their feelings and their dignity.

There is a downside, though, and things may have swung a little too far. Many well-meaning parents work too hard to smooth the road for their children. Removing obstacles and bumps may make it easier for us to bear our children’s pain and emotional discomfort, but our children don’t seem to be better off for it. According to clinical psychologists Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen, “We’re seeing high rates of anxiety and depression. The average college student right now is as anxious as the average psychiatric patient was 50 years ago.”

As a child and family therapist, I see far more anxiety amongst the children I work with than I did years ago. I also see children having more difficulties with emotional regulation, anger and impulse control. If you smooth every bump and remove every obstacle in their way, children will not develop the emotional circuitry to manage bumps when they happen. They will fall apart and overreact because they do not have a repertoire of experiences that they can review and say, “Oh yeah, I handled that and I was ok so I can get through this.” If we do not trust them to learn for themselves, make mistakes and experience difficulties, they can’t build that important repertoire. The irony is that the more we try to make life easier for them, the more upset and anxious they seem to become.

It is hard to watch your child cry when you have to say “no” to something, or set a limit. But if you think it’s tough with a two- or four-year-old, think about how it will look when they are 14 or 16 years old. The truth is it will never be easier than it is right now to change and correct behaviors.

Staying neutral, being loving and predictable while setting fair and reasonable limits is the greatest gift you can give your child. It will help them become capable, resilient and secure. Adolescence is around the corner. It may seem like you have a lifetime with your children but they really do grow up quickly. Support them. Guide them. And, love them well. Be empathic and fair, but don’t be afraid to set limits. Let them experience some disappointment and give them messages of competence that help them see that they can, and will, get over it and be okay. Help them to be accountable for their mistakes and behaviors. They will be better prepared for life and a whole lot happier.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has started to put things up his nose. Jennifer suggests keeping small items out of reach and trying to remain neutral while indicating that putting things in your nose is not safe. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who doesn’t feel like her doctor listens to her. Jennifer suggests approaching the doctor neutrally to find a way to work together. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Last chance to sign up for a 4-week Parenting Workshop in Toronto with Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari.  The workshop will build your skills with material from the Connected Parenting workshop, the Connected Parenting Advanced Strategies workshop, and the Parenting with Brains workshop.

Dates: Wednesday evenings, February 3, 10, 17 and March 3, 2010
Times: 7:30-9:00 p.m.
Where: Armour Heights Community Centre, 2140 Avenue Rd., Toronto
Cost: $250 for an individual or $300 for a couple

To register, contact Rebecca Lindsay at info@connectedparenting.ca or 416-781-4700.

Click here for more details.

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is wondering whether it’s a good idea to get a dog when you have three children under the age of 5. Jennifer agrees that pets can teach children about empathy and unconditional love but cautions that, based on her personal experience, they usually end up being a lot of work for the parents. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Some parents find they feel closer to one child than the other, which can cause terrible guilt and a great deal of stress. We can’t choose our children and their different personalities can mesh–or–clash with our own. It’s not easy when we feel an easy love for one child, and a love that takes more work for another.

Sometimes this just has to do with personality–we often get frustrated by the traits in our children that we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes we react to behaviors and tendencies our children have that remind us of things we don’t like about our spouse, or a relative we have trouble getting along with. And as we react to our children, they often act out in return–often exaggerating the behaviors we dislike the most.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do to protect your relationship with your child and to ensure that things do not become more challenging between you–or to repair the damage if they already have.

• Make sure to spend special connecting time with this child for a few minutes every day.

• Make sure you tell your child what you admire or appreciate about them, taking special note of things they did that were positive that day.

• Make sure to cuddle and be nurturing to them every day. Stroke their cheeks, look into their eyes and make them feel delicious. Do this even if it’s a struggle–it will help the bond and improve behavior.

• Write them little notes to leave in their lunch, or on their bedroom door.

• Use humor and jokes to bond and enjoy one another. Take time to be silly and playful.

• Catch yourself if you spend more time with one child over the other, or if you speak to one child in a gentler way. If they are complaining about it, there may be a reason.

• Be aware of overcompensating (or protecting one child over the other if you notice your spouse favoring one child).

• Find and celebrate the strengths in all your children. Traits that make them a challenge to parent may make them strong and competent adults one day.

• Don’t beat yourself up, just because you are a parent does not mean you are not a human being. It is normal to react to difficult behaviors. And if you do overreact, you can always go back and repair.

Feeling this way does not make you a bad person or a bad parent, it just means you are reacting to a dynamic and that it is important to be aware of that and to be aware of your contribution to that dynamic. If they push you away or reject you, try not to act hurt. Respond in a neutral way and try again later, or try something more subtle, like finding a cute picture of them and talk about how adorable they are in it. Remember every child needs to feel loved and lovable; it is the single most protective thing in terms of good emotional and social health.

It is also important to realize that the child, whom you feel like giving that nurturing attention to the least, is the one who needs it the most.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose two-year-old has a limited diet and does not like to try new foods. Jennifer explains that it’s important to stay neutral – don’t get too upset when your child doesn’t want to eat something and don’t have a parade for them when they do. It doesn’t take long for a child to learn that his or her eating behavior can really push your buttons. Jennifer suggests calmly continuing to offer different foods, modelling trying new foods yourself, and allowing your child to get used to new foods slowly. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.

This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.

Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.

These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.

Here’s what to do:

• Stay Neutral. This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.

• Empathize. This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.

• Don’t lecture. If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.

• Don’t have a parade. If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.

• Watch your agenda. Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.

• Don’t compare. Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.

• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.

• Talk about their brain. When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly

In case you missed it, you can catch a recording of my teleseminar last week at Great Parenting Practices, which will be up until this Thursday. I answered lots of great questions from participants in the seminar and had a great time chatting with @JacquelineGreen. Enjoy!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about how to deal with a tween who is increasingly hostile. Jennifer explains that teenagers’ brains are still maturing and they may have trouble keeping perspective. She advises parents not to take their child’s behavior personally and to be extra-vigilant about using their best parenting practices, such as mirroring and neutrally enforcing limits, to ensure that their children continue to feel lovable even as they act out. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Jennifer Kolari was quoted in the Toronto Star today in an article about how the economic climate has changed parenting. According to the article:

“Today’s moms and dads want to instill money smarts, teaching kids the virtues of saving a chunk of birthday money or part-time job earnings.”

Check out the full article to hear what Jennifer and other experts have to say.

As 2009 winds down, here’s a list of our favorite parenting posts of the year:

5. Morning Madness: Jennifer Kolari’s suggestions for starting the day right.

4. Understanding Your Partner’s Parenting Style: Does it drive you crazy when your spouse does things differently than you would have? Check out this post for a different perspective.

3. Dealing with Your Own Anger: Your kids know exactly how to push your buttons. So how do you keep your cool and show them how to manage strong emotions?

2. How to Say No: Jennifer Kolari points out that it’s important for kids to hear the word “no” so that they can develop the emotional hardware to deal with life’s ups and downs. Read on for Jennifer’s tips for saying no.

1. Zen Parenting: Use Connected Parenting to bring calmness to your family life. Connect and set limits to make your children feel secure and happy.

What was your favorite post this year? What do you want to hear about next year?

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about managing the holidays with in-laws who disagree with her about how to handle her children and who do things she doesn’t like.

Jennifer advises the reader to depersonalize her in-laws’ behavior, recognizing that it likely has nothing to do with her. This will make it easier to enjoy the holidays. Jennifer also recommends that the reader prepare her children ahead of time so that they know her expectations and realize that even if things are done a little differently by her in-laws, the rules at home remain unchanged. Finally, Jennifer suggests that the reader enlist the help of her husband and in-laws to make the holidays go as smoothly as possible.

Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Never mind dealing with your child’s anger–it can sometimes be hard enough to deal with our own. I have so many parents come to me and say, “I’m a really nice person. I never got angry or yelled at anyone before I had kids.”

The depth of emotion that you feel with your own child can indeed be overwhelming. You love this little person so much you can hardly stand it, but the frustration and anger can be just as overwhelming. It can be surprising how angry we can get and how much yelling we can do.

Being stressed and tired or trying to do too many things can add to our frustration–but the truth is sometimes kids just really know how to push their parents’ buttons. Whether it’s giggling and laughing when you’re trying to discipline, ignoring your request or talking back, it can be hard to keep your cool. But although getting angry and yelling is a popular parenting technique, it’s a very ineffective one. (If it worked, there would be a lot more well-behaved children around!)

The reality is that we yell for us. We yell as a release and we yell because we’re angry and we need to vent. My rule is: if you’re mad and what you’re saying feels really good coming out of your mouth, then it’s probably not the right thing to say. It’s important to stop and ask yourself, “Am I about to say something my child needs to hear? Or am I about to say something I feel like saying?” You will find that the answers to those questions are often very different.

When we yell, we show our children that we’re not able to control our feelings and, in some cases, we are even displaying the very behavior we are asking them not to do. It’s not easy and we all blow up sometimes but the good news is that when we do, we can always go back and repair. Here are some tips to help you keep your cool.

• Leave your self enough time. When you’re rushed, you’re much more likely to get angry and frustrated.

• Recognize–and reduce–your triggers. If multi-tasking is overwhelming and you’re likely to blow your top at the next person who walks in the room, front load the kids to let them know you need a few minutes and what the consequence will be if they disturb you.

• Simplify. Try to do fewer things and go easy on yourself; try to simplify by doing things in advance. If you’ve had a stressful day, order in and forget about bath night for the kids. Keep it simple and manageable. What good is it if they are clean with a stomach full of homemade food but everyone is crying and miserable?

• Breathe. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth several times a day when you feel yourself getting stressed. Check in with yourself throughout the day to monitor how you are feeling so you’re less likely to blow your top.

• Find the humour. Laughing about a situation can be very helpful sometimes.

• Take care of yourself. If you’re exhausted and snapping at people, call in a baby sitter, find a mother’s helper or ask a relative to come in so you can go do something for you. If a spa is out of the question, go sit in a coffee shop with a cup of tea and read the paper, or go for a walk.

• Keep everything in perspective. These crazy times are fleeting and they’re the very stuff you will miss, believe it or not, when your kids are grown up and gone.

Jennifer Kolari’s appearance on the Steven and Chris Show aired tonight. Jennifer discussed strategies for managing holiday conflict and stress. Click here to read about Jennifer’s suggestions or to watch the segment.

In case you missed it, Jennifer Kolari was on Canada AM this morning giving advice about how to manage things like holiday tantrums and good manners when receiving a gift.  You can watch Jennifer’s segment by going to Canada AM and then selecting “Tips for handling kids over the holidays” from the “Canada AM and Jeff’s Videos” list on the right.  Enjoy!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about her hyper 11-month-old boy. Jennifer calls children like this “gladiators.” They can be joyous, funny and imaginative but have trouble settling or knowing when enough is enough.

Jennifer advises staying neutral and letting your child know what you expect of them ahead of time. Adrenaline play such as wrestling and chasing games can help children release extra energy. Other tips include naming the behavior, setting limits and being consistent, and being sure to catch your child being good. Most importantly, parents should make sure they connect using empathy and play.

Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Catch Jennifer Kolari on TVO Parents this Sunday, December 13, at 6pm discussing how to talk to your kids. Then on Monday, December 14, Jennifer will be on Canada AM talking about how to prepare your family emotionally for the holidays.

Jennifer Kolari joined Mary Ito on the CBC’s Fresh Air this past Sunday to discuss misbehavior and what parents can do about it. Click here to listen to the podcast if you missed it the first time around.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

We love our children and want the best for them. But in our rush to give them all the things they want, we may actually be robbing them of important coping skills.

Too often the more children get, the more they want and the less they appreciate what they get. It’s the reason so many of our basements are filled with mountains of toys that are never played with.

Where does it end, and how can we bring things back into balance? Saying “no” is hard–but if you think it’s hard now, wait until they’re 16 and wanting co-ed sleepovers, or expect you to buy alcohol for their parties (a common practice these days.) Saying “no” doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.

And if every road is smoothed, every desire gratified, every disappointment made up for, children come not only to expect this, but have fewer skills to handle disappointments or losses when they do arise. We essentially get in the way of them developing the emotional hardware necessary to handle what life throws at them, making it difficult for them to bounce back, cope with stress, and learn from mistakes later in life. We may be solving difficult behaviors in the short term by giving in, but creating bigger problems for our children and ourselves later.

Getting everything they want even most of the time can affect your child’s ability to appreciate and care for things, to learn to control that urge for immediate gratification, or to know the joy of earning something she has worked for. To prevent that from happening, here are a few tips to help you say “no:”

Tips for saying no:

• Stay neutral and clearly say “no” to your child. Don’t say “maybe” or “we’ll see.” Say “no” if you mean no and stick to it.

• If your child gets angry and has a tantrum, stay calm and tell your child that you love them enough for them to be mad at you. That you wouldn’t be a good parent if you said “yes” to everything. They will make noise and have a fit, but don’t get sucked in. They will give up when they believe you.

• Never give in to a tantrum or whining for the toy, item or activity they have requested. This rewards the behavior and guarantees its return.

• Use a neutral but confident voice–if you don’t believe yourself, they won’t believe you either.

• Talk to them about others who are less fortunate–ask them to set aside some toys or new gifts that they can give to charity.

• Know that you are helping them develop the life skills they need to handle disappointments in life. It’s important for them to know that they can do this, that they are strong enough.

• Help them create mindful and responsible consumer habits by talking about choices and modeling the difference between wanting something and needing something.

• Help them consider the advertising they are being exposed to–teach them to question it and discuss it.

Even a parenting expert sometimes has trouble keeping their cool when their kids are being challenging. And even the kids of a parenting expert can be challenging at times. Check out Jennifer Kolari’s thoughts on this subject in her guest post at Penguin.com.