According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

I happened on a recent TED talk by Aimee Mullins this week. Aimee was a paralympic record-breaker at the 1996 games and she’s an amazing speaker. Her talk focussed on seeing adversity as opportunity. Since adversity of some kind or another is inevitable, it’s not whether you face adversity but how you face it:

“Perhaps if we see adversity as natural, consistent and useful, we are less burdened by the presence of it.”

Aimee’s talk also highlights the importance of giving children a message of competence, attributing her own remarkable achievements to a comment one of her doctors made to her when she was five years old. As Aimee struggled with physical therapy she hated, her doctor told her that she was such a strong little girl, he thought she might eventually break one of the bands she was using for the therapy.

Check out the video if you’re in need of a little inspiration:

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

My husband and I took our five-year old skating the other day and what a pleasure it was. She listened to our instructions, put them into action and stuck to it. She fell and got up, fell and got up again. She tried and tried until she was skating on her own. It made for a happy outing and a wonderful achievement for her.

This was not how it went years ago when we first took our older son skating. He is sixteen now, happy and successful at almost everything he tries but, back when he was five, this kind of outing would have been a nightmare. Two minutes on the ice and he would have been crying and demanding to go home. It was the same with bike riding, basketball or anything new that he tried. As parents, we would fluctuate between being angry and very sad for him. He was a perfectionist and the second he couldn’t do something right, he quit in a fury.

Anxious children and often gifted kids seem to have this trait. It’s as if they have it all figured out and feel they should be able to easily master it. Then, as soon as they realize they can’t, they are devastated and refuse to try further.

These same kids often have difficulty losing and will quit games with peers as soon as things don’t go their way. It is very hard to know how to deal with this and as a parent you either find yourself getting incredibly angry or just giving in because the fight is simply too much. It can also be embarrassing when your child is the one storming off the soccer field or lying in the middle of the ice rink.

Here’s what to do:

• Stay Neutral. This is very hard, but threatening and getting angry do not work with a child like this. Neither do bribes.

• Empathize. This is a hard one, but try to empathize with their frustration and then give them some space. Sometimes staying there and trying to talk them into it only fuels the episode. Go on with what you’re doing and don’t stop the activity, check in from time to time to see if he is ready to try again and repeat if not.

• Don’t lecture. If they completely refuse and will not try, don’t go on and on about it. Make a statement about how hard it must be when their frustration gets in the way of their fun and how much you would like to see them push through these feelings. Then try to walk away.

• Don’t have a parade. If they do decide to try again, don’t go overboard saying “Oh that’s so great, look he’s back!” This will embarrass your child and raise the stakes, often making him quit again. Calmly, and in a neutral way, welcome him back, but don’t make a big deal about it.

• Watch your agenda. Be certain that it is not your need for them to be interested in, or good at, this activity that is driving the issue. If your child senses this is more about you, it can add to his anxiety and fuel the desire to quit.

• Don’t compare. Try not to compare your child to siblings who have mastered the same activity. This can lead to shame and further shut down.

• Acknowledge the effort, not the outcome. Focusing too much on achievement and end results can leave kids stressed and afraid they won’t be able to do it again. Praise even the smallest attempt at the activity.

• Talk about their brain. When they want to quit because they can’t master a skill fast enough, tell them that it takes time for their muscles to learn how to do it. The brain knows how but it takes time to get that information to the muscles. This can really help kids who give up too quickly

Have a perfectionist (or several) living in your home? Maybe they’ll get the message about the importance of mistakes and failure if they hear it from Michael Jordan:

H/T to Jonathan Fields.

Check out the Fall 2009 issue of Think Magazine for Jennifer Kolari’s article about the emotional equipment your child needs for a successful day at school. To be able “to focus, to understand, to learn; and to experience social, academic and emotional success” at school, your child needs rest, resilience, confidence, joy, a willingness to make mistakes, love, trust, understanding, empathy and peace of mind. Have a look at the the full article (scroll to the second page). Enjoy!

Here’s the second instalment in an unintentional series on Grey’s Anatomy

Click here and scroll about six minutes in to see Isaac, a lab tech-turned-patient at Seattle Grace, as he assures McDreamy that he has survived war, the loss of his family, and the loss of his country, and that he will survive the loss of his legs if Derek is forced to cut his spinal cord to remove a tumour.

Check out the November issue of Today’s Parent for an article on Positive Things About the Recession by Karan Smith. Karan cites Jennifer’s advice to set a good example for your children, sending kids the message that bad things sometimes happen but that your family will work things out. She also notes Jennifer’s reassurance that saying no to your children can be a good thing, preparing them for the inevitable setbacks in life.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

One issue moms often talk to me about is how strongly they react when their older child hurts, or is rough with, the baby. This is really common, especially if the older child is under five. Young kids are often rough with their little siblings–sometimes it is intended and behavioral, and sometimes it’s just because they get really excited and can’t control those big feelings.

Either way, it can make your protective instincts take over and your response can be more intense than you meant it to be.

Safety is important and older siblings must learn to be gentle with baby siblings, but sometimes “blowing up” can lead to more of the very behaviors that made you upset in the first place. They can add to any feelings the older child may have of feeling less important or less loved than the baby. This is not rational, young kids don’t reflect on their behaviors, they just focus on how they feel.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Remember to try and stay neutral, which is very hard, I know. You can be serious and firm, but if you “fly off the handle,” it won’t help.

2. Sit down with your older child every day for some connecting play with her alone. She may even want you to baby her and give her the same kind of attention the baby gets. This is fine and she will not regress permanently. In fact, it can be tremendously helpful and strengthening for your older child.

Pull out baby pictures, her favorite toys or little outfits she wore when she was younger and tell her lots of stories about when she was a baby. This alone may decrease her negative feelings or behaviors regarding the baby.

3. Talk to your older child in a calm moment about the importance of being careful and gentle with the baby and let her know that there will be consequences if she chooses to be rough.

What I like to suggest is an interruption. It’s not a traditional time-out, instead, she is asked to go somewhere else to think for a few minutes and can come back when she is ready to comply. You don’t have to lecture or discuss it when the interruption is over, just welcome her back and repeat the routine until the behavior stops. If you are calm and consistent, it will work.

4. Help your older child make good choices by offering alternate ways to interact with the baby and let her know when you notice her trying to be appropriate. Remember too, that the baby is not made of glass. Babies are pretty tough and, within reason, being squeezed and picked up by siblings is part of living in a family.

One of my favorite posts on Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist is A case study in staying resilient: My divorce.  Resilience is a big theme around here at Connected Parenting and Penelope Trunk, the self-styled “Queen of Resiliency,” is quite the role model.  Psychology Today seems to think so too.