As we rush around in our busy lives, it’s important to remember to play. If you need inspiration, check out this TED Talk about the importance of play by Stuart Brown of the National Institute for Play (NIFP):

According to Brown, “nothing lights up the brain like play,” and “play has a biological place just like sleep and dream do.”

According to the NIFP, there are 7 patterns of play:

• Attunement Play
• Body Play and Movement
• Object Play
• Social Play
• Imaginative and Pretend Play
• Storytelling-Narrative Play
• Transformative-Integrative and Creative Play

Each type of play has an important function, but most relevant to the Connected Parenting model is attunement play, which seems to roughly correlate to the “baby play” or “connected play” discussed in the Connected Parenting book. This is what the NIFP has to say about attunement play:

“When an infant makes eye contact with her mother, each experiences a spontaneous surge of emotion (joy). The baby responds with a radiant smile, the mother with her own smile and rhythmic vocalizations (baby talk).  This is the grounding base of the state-of-play. It is known, through EEG and other imaging technologies, that the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control is “attuned” in both infant and mother.”

As Jennifer Kolari explains in Connected Parenting, attunement/connected play continues to be important even when your child is no longer a baby. Parents can engage in connected play with older children by cuddling, looking at old baby pictures together and looking into eachother’s eyes. Check out this post to learn more about connected play.

Do you engage in attunement/connected play with your child? What is your favourite connected play activity?

Have a perfectionist (or several) living in your home? Maybe they’ll get the message about the importance of mistakes and failure if they hear it from Michael Jordan:

H/T to Jonathan Fields.

David Dobbs’ article in the Atlantic about orchid children and dandelion children has sparked a huge amount of interest. We summarized the article and later followed up with a link to an interview with Dobbs on WNYC radio. We also mentioned that the story was picked up by Lisa Belkin at Motherlode.

But there’s been lots more coverage (see, for example, this or this) and lots of discussion of the Orchid Hypothesis. You can read a terrific debate between Dobbs and David Shenk (also of the Atlantic) about the suitability of the orchid/dandelion analogy. The debate focusses on the dichotomy created by the orchid/dandelion imagery, which Dobbs explains is really more of a continuum, as are most such descriptors. In fact, it’s more like there are orchid genes and dandelion genes and each person will generally have some amount of orchid in them but also some amount of dandelion:

“Every metaphor has its limits, and one of the limits of the orchid versus dandelions metaphor is that it implies a binary, A or B. division of personality types determined by behavioral gene variants: you’re either orchid or dandelion. That’s not quite accurate, for there are several genes in question here, and because we each get a mix of variants among them, it would be a rare person that was all orchid, so to speak, or all dandelion…

For argument’s sake, let’s say there are 10. In all ten, the ‘dandelion’ form is the most common, with the orchid forms accounting for about 20 to 35 percent. So for any given one of these genes, you’re more likely to have the dandelion variant than the orchid. However, odds being what they are, you are also likely to have the orchid form in at least some of these genes. And since the overall effects on temperamental plasticity are presumed to be multigenic, more orchid genes you have, the more temperamentally malleable and mercurial you will be. In addition, the particular combination of genes in which you have the orchid form will color the nature of your malleability…

So it’s not that a person is either plastic or not. The malleability runs along a spectrum, and is a matter of hue as well as intensity. And the consequences of that malleability, of course, depend heavily on experience, context, etc. But the more malleable folks are shaped more dramatically by their experience and react more dramatically, in temperament and behavior, than the less malleable.”

Dobbs also has a post on his blog (Neuron Culture) about whether orchid children are the same as gifted children. He explains that the theory makes no comment on intellect but instead focusses on temperament. The More Child’s @switchedonmom (who first drew my attention to the orchid article), posted a comment asking how the orchid hypothesis relates to Dabrowski’s Theory of Overexcitabilities. According to @switchedonmom, Dobbs wrote her back,  saying:

“[T]hanks for drawing this to my attn. I want to return to the temperament/intelligence/giftedness issue, and this will help. I hope to get to it in the next week or two and post on it.”

So stay tuned for more on how orchid characteristics correlate with giftedness.

Finally, if you find this as interesting as I do, you might be happy to learn that Dobbs has a deal to write a book on the subject.

* You may also be interested in this post: New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis.

Amid a flurry of holiday preparations, many parents are searching for the perfect gift for their child’s teacher. It can be a daunting task to figure out what your child’s teacher would like.

If you’re at a loss, check out Christmas Gifts for Teachers (h/t to Motherlode), a website with plenty of advice and ideas for teacher gifts. The best part, as far as I’m concerned, is their poll of teachers and parents, which reveals which gifts teachers would most like to receive (gift cards, books/music, classroom supplies) and which ones they really hope they don’t get (mugs, ornaments/decorative items, candles/lotion).

For another approach, check out The Skinny Scoop to find out what other people are saying about teacher gifts or to ask other moms for advice specific to your situation or locale.

Whatever the gift, don’t forget to write a note thanking your child’s teacher, including specifics about the things you’ve really appreciated.

A friend of mine turned me on to a terrific new site for moms called The Skinny Scoop which allows you to ask questions (get the “skinny”) or answer questions (give the “scoop”) on any subject. Lots of fun and super helpful when you want to poll other moms about things like the going rate for the tooth fairy, whether you really need a diaper bag, or how much you should tip when you order takeout from a restaurant. It’s also fun to be able to share your hard-earned wisdom – what else can you do with all your toddler birthday party ideas once your kids are in elementary school?

Jacqueline Green has a great post about the standoffishness that often welcomes you home after you’ve been travelling. As Jacqueline explains, this chilly reception results from frustration when you’re separated from someone you’re attached to. After discussing this phenomenon with Jennifer Kolari, Jacqueline decided to try reconnecting with her daughter using “baby play.”

As Jennifer explains in chapter 3 of the Connected Parenting book, “baby play is a way to let children know they are still your babies and to redo some … attachment bonding … that may have unravelled along the way.” Baby play can include snuggling in bed together in the mornings, tickling, rubbing noses, or looking into each other’s eyes. It even works with older children. As Jacqueline explains:

“Baby play is more about the mood you create than doing a specific action. [One] way of doing what Kolari calls baby play is to go over old photos with your child… If you identify what you are already doing that qualifies as baby play, then the trick is to intentionally apply it when your child needs it most.”

To read Jacqueline’s full post, click here.

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

A new iPhone app, designed by Harvard grad student Matt Killingsworth, is designed to help you find out what makes you happy. Track Your Happiness uses e-mail or text message notifications to ask you how you are feeling and what you are doing several times a day. You decide how often you want to be cued (between 3 and 5 times a day).

After enough data is collected (50 surveys), you receive a Happiness Report that tells you “how your happiness varies depending on what you are doing, who you are with, where you are, what time of day it is, and a variety of other factors.” Killingsworth, who works with Daniel Gilbert of the Hedonic Psychology Lab, designed the app as part of a doctoral research project to collect real-time data on what factors makes people happy.

Want to try it out? Click here. Could also be used by your favourite teenager . . .

Remember the classic Tom Lehrer song about the elements?

Well, there’s a new game in town:

The budding scientists at my house are big fans.

P.S. They also like the other songs on the album, Here Comes Science, by They Might be Giants.

If you’re a New York parent enduring the gruelling independent school admissions process, check out the Parents League. My inside source says they are on the ball and even have information about available spaces (from pre-k through grade 12) after the regular admissions process is over. Not surprising since, according to their website:

“[A] team of 10 School Advisors . . . [whose] backgrounds range from former admissions officers to board members and former teachers . . . make regular visits and have regular contact with [their] affiliated schools, which enables them to stay informed and up to date.”

In addition to frequent workshops, League advisors are available for individual consultations and will answer questions by phone as well.

The League is a not-for-profit association of parents and independent schools. To become a member, click here.

Gretchen Rubin at the Happiness Project blog has a great post about fun that has interesting implications for planning your family’s leisure time.

Gretchen divides fun into three types: challenging, accommodating, and relaxing.  Challenging fun requires you to put in a fair amount of effort to learn something new or work towards a long-term goal, such as learning to play golf. Accommodating fun, involves doing an activity with other people that takes account of what the others will enjoy, such as taking your kids to the zoo. Finally, relaxing fun involves little effort or planning, such as watching TV.

Gretchen explains that challenging and accommodating fun provide the most benefits but also require the most effort:

“Challenging fun and accommodating fun, over the long term, bring more happiness, because they’re sources of those elements that make people happiest: strong personal bonds, mastery, an atmosphere of growth. Relaxing fun tends to be passive—by design.”

But (and there is a but) there’s a kicker: ”while we get more out of challenging fun and accommodating fun, we also must put more into it.”

Being cognizant of these differences can help you be more mindful of the activities you and your kids choose to do, both individually, and as a family. To sneak in more challenging and accommodating fun, Gretchen recommends keeping an eye open for activities that involve:

 learning to do something new
 visiting new places (even if it’s just a new store)
 getting together with other people, whether with friends or strangers

Hopefully, you’ll be getting a nice balance of different kinds of fun.  If you find that all or most of the fun in your house is of the relaxing variety, you may want to try to mix it up a bit – even if it’s just in small ways.

If you haven’t already had a chance to check it out, click here to listen to Jennifer Kolari speak about the parent-child bond on the U.S. nationally-syndicated Parent’s Journal.

With the crowded open house season upon us, I wanted to suggest that you take the opportunity to visit the e.p.i.c. School if you have a child going into Pre-K, JK or SK next year. My son has attended e.p.i.c. for the past two years and I can’t say enough great things about the school. The teachers and principal are warm and nurturing, as well as incredibly knowledgeable professionals. The academics are superb but the kids have so much fun. We’ll be sorry to say goodbye when my son graduates from SK in June.

Here are the deets:

Where:     e.p.i.c. School, 111 Manor Road East
When:      Thursday, October 15, 2009 from 7:00-9:00 pm
RSVP:     info@epicschool.com or call 416-489-0132

Last week, we blogged about We Day, a Free the Children initiative that is meant to kick off a year-long plan of action. Two other programs, Project Give Back and Ryan’s Well, also empower children to have an impact. Each of these programs starts with inspirational stories of children who have made a difference and then provides specific training to enable participants to be effective in their own social action projects.

Project Give Back was started by Ellen Schwartz, founder of Jacob’s Ladder, an organization that promotes awareness and supports research for neurodegenerative disease. With Ellen’s experience as a fundraiser and an educator, Project Give Back is a “curriculum based program,” designed to complement a Grade 4/5 language arts curriculum. The program aims “to enhance responsibility and develop a deep seated feeling in one’s self to make a difference in the lives of others.” Students begin their project with Kidspiration, a presentation by a child who has made a difference in the world. Project Give Back participants then research a charity of their choice, plan and implement a fundraiser, and report their activities and results to the charity.

Ryan’s Well Foundation highlights the inspirational story of Ryan Hreljac, who was able to raise enough money to build a well in Uganda by the age of seven. The Foundation’s Youth In Action initiative is based on the belief that:

“Young people can and do make a significant difference in our world. . . . [and through the] program, students will see that they can become active and responsible citizens in their own communities and/or abroad by working cooperatively with their global brothers and sisters.”

Students participating in the program raise money to provide clean water to communities in need.

With the support and training of these programs, kids’ successes provide their own powerful message of empowerment and competence.  Check them out and see how you can get your kids and your schools involved.

Traditional movie ratings haven’t quite done it for me when it comes to choosing a movie for my kids. Even some G-rated movies can have upsetting scenes – for instance, I’ve heard lots of complaints about the demise of Nemo’s mom in Finding Nemo.

One of my favorite posts on Penelope Trunk’s Brazen Careerist is A case study in staying resilient: My divorce.  Resilience is a big theme around here at Connected Parenting and Penelope Trunk, the self-styled “Queen of Resiliency,” is quite the role model.  Psychology Today seems to think so too.