A couple of weeks ago, the Connected Parenting Blog was the proud recipient of the Beautiful Blogger Award from Single Soccer Mom! In tapping Connected Parenting for this fab honor, Single Soccer Mom writes:

“I’ve decided to pass the award on to a blog that I feel every parent should visit at least once… I am giving Connected Parenting – The Blog the honor of Beautiful Blogger for the beautiful things it can do to your family.

I recently came across the blog and was intrigued by the subject matter.  During a two-hour lunch break, I found myself wandering through a local bookstore in search of the book of the same name, Connected Parenting, by Jennifer Kolari. After reading just a few chapters and applying the techniques described within those pages, I have seen the bond between my little man and I blossom even more.”

Thanks so much Single Soccer Mom!

As far as we can tell, the rules of the Beautiful Blogger Award are as follows:

1.  Display the Beautiful Blogger Badge in the post.
2.  Write 7 things about yourself that people don’t know.
3.  Give the Beautiful Blogger Award to 7 other blogs.

So here we go:

And here are 7 things you may not know about Connected Parenting:

1.  Between us, the Connected Parenting Team has 19 children, ranging in age from not born yet to 29.

2.  The Connected Parenting Team has a total of 2 cats and 4 dogs – not much to brag about but we have the 4 best dogs and 2 best cats on the planet – we think : )

3.  Connected Parenting has therapists in both Canada and the U.S. and we’re expanding.

4.  The Connected Parenting book is coming out in soft cover this Spring.

5.  A Connected Parenting book for teenagers is in the works.

6.  Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari starred as Annie in Annie Get Your Gun when she was in High School and was awesome!

7.  All of us at Connected Parenting are LOVING meeting all of you on our blog, Facebook page and Twitter! Thanks to all of you for joining our conversation!!!

Best of all, here are 7 Beautiful Bloggers!

1.  Sondra Santos LaBrie at Happy Healthy Hip Parenting who just got nominated as San Diego’s Blogger of the Year! Go check out her blog and please vote for her. Sondra’s focus is on co-parenting and single parenting.

2.  Jacqueline Green of Great Parenting Practices, who interviews parenting experts on every subject imaginable and who is currently hard at work organizing the fantastic Parenting Summit – Middle School Edition taking place from March 19-26. Click here to find out more and to register for free for this amazing teleconference. (FYI, Connected Parenting founder, Jennifer Kolari will do an interview on Parenting Super-Sensitive and Anxious Children at 12 p.m. EST on March 26.)

3.  Annie Fox, whose blog focusses on parenting those miraculous creatures known as tweens and teens. Annie tackles tricky issues from friendship problems, to dating, to bullies.

4.  Marsha Jacobson, who blogs at My Child Feels as well as on her personal blog. Marsha writes about parenting, emotional intelligence, and her own journey.

5.  Alyson Schafer, my fellow Torontonian, and an Adlerian parenting expert extraordinaire, who has a great blog that covers just about every parenting question you could come up with.

6.  Deborah Mersino of the Ingeniosus Blog. Deborah writes about giftedness and she is also the tireless force behind the Friday #gtchats on Twitter. Deborah is an incredible treasure to the gifted community!

7.  Jean Winegardner at Stimeyland, who blogs about her life as a mom of three boys, one of whom is on the autistic spectrum. Jean also writes a column called Autism Unexpected for the Washington Times and is the creator of AutMont, providing autism information, events and community in Montgomery County, Md.  Thanks for sharing your story with us Stimey!

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)

You may recall that back in October I recommended that anyone looking for a great nursery/kindergarten check out the e.p.i.c. School open house. As I said at the time, we’ve had an amazing experience at the school. This Thursday, January 28, from 1-3:30 p.m., prospective parents can see the school in action.

After you’ve tucked the kiddies into bed, head back to e.p.i.c. at 7:00 p.m. to see Jennifer Kolari speak at e.p.i.c.’s Parent Education Night, which is open to the public. Tickets can be purchased at the door for $10. Don’t miss out!

e.p.i.c. is at 111 Manor Rd. E. at the corner of Manor and Redpath. Contact the school at info@epicschool.com or call 416-489-0132.

Don’t miss out on hearing Jennifer Kolari discuss the Connected Parenting book on the Parent’s Plate with Brenda Nixon today at 10am!

@JacquelineGreen over at Great Parenting Practices posted a great piece yesterday discussing how she used mirroring to solve a recurring conflict between her children. Once her daughter felt understood, the solution quickly followed. Head over and read the whole story.

As we rush around in our busy lives, it’s important to remember to play. If you need inspiration, check out this TED Talk about the importance of play by Stuart Brown of the National Institute for Play (NIFP):

According to Brown, “nothing lights up the brain like play,” and “play has a biological place just like sleep and dream do.”

According to the NIFP, there are 7 patterns of play:

• Attunement Play
• Body Play and Movement
• Object Play
• Social Play
• Imaginative and Pretend Play
• Storytelling-Narrative Play
• Transformative-Integrative and Creative Play

Each type of play has an important function, but most relevant to the Connected Parenting model is attunement play, which seems to roughly correlate to the “baby play” or “connected play” discussed in the Connected Parenting book. This is what the NIFP has to say about attunement play:

“When an infant makes eye contact with her mother, each experiences a spontaneous surge of emotion (joy). The baby responds with a radiant smile, the mother with her own smile and rhythmic vocalizations (baby talk).  This is the grounding base of the state-of-play. It is known, through EEG and other imaging technologies, that the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control is “attuned” in both infant and mother.”

As Jennifer Kolari explains in Connected Parenting, attunement/connected play continues to be important even when your child is no longer a baby. Parents can engage in connected play with older children by cuddling, looking at old baby pictures together and looking into eachother’s eyes. Check out this post to learn more about connected play.

Do you engage in attunement/connected play with your child? What is your favourite connected play activity?

Some kind words for the Connected Parenting book from Amanda of Kickyboots posted on Work It Mom:

“…Our eldest child is what one might call ‘difficult’ and as she neared her third birthday I was about ready to box her up and FedEx her to Antarctica. I was at such a loss as to how to parent her, how to discipline her, how to help her grow up to not be a total jerk. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and inquire about boarding schools for toddlers, I heard about a book called ‘Connected Parenting’ and I don’t hesitate to say that it has transformed both my daughter and my will to live…”

Head over to check out the full post.

As we celebrate our families this Thanksgiving, here are five techniques to be thankful for from the Connected Parenting book:

5. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Consistent limits give your child a sense of security. They know that someone is looking out for them.

4. Staying neutral. Staying neutral keeps a difficult situation from escalating, avoids rewarding bad behavior with negative attention, and allows you to think more clearly.

3. Connected play. Cuddling, looking into your child’s eyes, or looking at baby pictures with your child all cause your child’s brain to release endorphins, making them feel calm and happy.

2. Mirroring. Use the CALM method to connect with your child, match his affect, and really listen to what your child is trying to tell you to create genuine mirroring.

1. Making your child feel delicious. Most of all, be thankful for your wonderful child who loves you to pieces.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jacqueline Green has a great post about the standoffishness that often welcomes you home after you’ve been travelling. As Jacqueline explains, this chilly reception results from frustration when you’re separated from someone you’re attached to. After discussing this phenomenon with Jennifer Kolari, Jacqueline decided to try reconnecting with her daughter using “baby play.”

As Jennifer explains in chapter 3 of the Connected Parenting book, “baby play is a way to let children know they are still your babies and to redo some … attachment bonding … that may have unravelled along the way.” Baby play can include snuggling in bed together in the mornings, tickling, rubbing noses, or looking into each other’s eyes. It even works with older children. As Jacqueline explains:

“Baby play is more about the mood you create than doing a specific action. [One] way of doing what Kolari calls baby play is to go over old photos with your child… If you identify what you are already doing that qualifies as baby play, then the trick is to intentionally apply it when your child needs it most.”

To read Jacqueline’s full post, click here.

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a parent who suspects that her daughter may be gifted at My Child Feels:

Jennifer explains that in gifted children, the left brain, which is logical, mathematical and reasonable, understands too much. The right side of the brain, which regulates emotion, can’t cope with it all. To help gifted children learn to manage their big emotions, Jennifer advises using the CALM technique she discusses in the Connected Parenting book (which includes a section devoted to gifted children). Try to understand your child’s feelings, even if those feelings seem unreasonable, as well as spending extra time cuddling and connecting.

Read Jennifer’s full response at My Child Feels.

Check out this clip of a Today’s Parent Minute on 680 news. Today’s Parent Editor in Chief, Caroline Connell, discusses the Connected Parenting book and Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique!

Jacqueline Green at Great Parenting Practices has written an amazing review of the Connected Parenting book. She calls Jennifer Kolari’s mirroring technique “the best technique [she's] encountered in ten years of parenting education.”

Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

“Wake up, Lazy Bones,” the cheerful 5-year-old alarm sings at 6am.

You pry your lashes from their ferocious grip and groan internally (you think) that your few hours of respite are already over. You fumble around in your “How-To-Be-A-Good-Example-Kit,” find your “What-A-Great-Way-To-Start-The-Day-Smile,” paste it on, if a little askew and agree to ten minutes of TV time.

An hour later, you exchange a few more morning pleasantries and leave the children upstairs to get dressed, praising yourself for providing the autonomy necessary to raise resilient, independent children. You prepare whatever you can for breakfast (milk) and await the imminent arrival of the neatly dressed, brushed and preened children to place their breakfast order. You go upstairs to inspect their progress and are crestfallen to find none. (more…)

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is struggling with her in-laws.

Jennifer advises using her CALM method to de-escalate the conflict, employing mirroring statements to show that you understand your in-laws’ point of view. She explains how mirroring actually causes the release of endorphins and opiates in the brain, calming the person you are talking to. Once you have made at least three mirroring statements, you will be able to set limits or ask for compliance. Although it’s often the last thing you feel like doing, following this approach is the most effective way of communicating in difficult situations. Although the Connected Parenting book discusses using the CALM method with your children, it’s equally effective in dealing with your in-laws, husband, or boss.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

Jennifer Kolari will speak at the Indigo in Yorkdale Shopping Centre at 2pm this Sunday, October 25. Stay after the talk to get your book signed and have a chance to chat with Jennifer.

A recent essay by “Neanderdad” on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode explores what happens when a child favours one parent over the other. In Neanderdad’s case, his daughter suddenly insisted that Mommy do bedtime duty, even though it was the household practice to alternate nights and it wasn’t Mommy’s turn. Neanderdad describes his hurt feelings at this inexplicable turn of events and his uncertainty about what to do. While most parents have faced this problem at one time or another, it can be tricky to deal with.

Jennifer Kolari directly addresses the problem in Chapter 13 of the Connected Parenting book. She recommends that parents use her mirroring technique to avoid being defensive and escalating the situation. Kolari advises parents in Neanderdad’s position to say:

“I know you love your mommy. I understand why you want your mommy. Of course you want her: she’s wonderful.”

Kolari explains that this kind of statement “makes you an ally rather than an opponent, and more often than not, at that point the child will simply stop asking for Mommy.”

In Neanderdad’s case, he and his wife decide not to make a big deal about their daughter’s strongly stated preference and to switch nights. When Neanderdad gets ready to leave his daughter’s bedroom, she resists, begging him to stay after all. Because he doesn’t become defensive, the situation doesn’t escalate. In his Neanderdad-ish way, he shows his daughter that he understands that she loves her mommy and lets her know that he won’t get between them.

The November issue of Today’s Parent includes a fabulous article about the Connected Parenting book by Dafna Izenberg. In her Q&A with Jennifer Kolari, Izenberg explores key Connected Parenting concepts such as mirroring, keeping the right amount of tension in the rope connecting you and your child, and baby play. It’s a great overview with lots of anecdotes from Jennifer. Have a look.

Marsha Jacobson of mychildfeels.com posted a rave review of Connected Parenting:

“Kolari exudes ‘realness’ both as a person and as a parent. … She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.”