This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader about how to help a child adjust to her first daycare experience.

Jennifer explains that clinging and whining, or defiance and other yucky behavior, during this period of transition are a youngster’s way of expressing that she is unsure about her bond with her parents now that they are spending more time apart.  Kolari advises that it’s important to let your child know that you’ve gotten the message that this is a big deal for them.  You can do this by paying extra attention to the parent-child connection and even babying your child for a few days.  This will reassure her and give her the confidence she needs to become more independent.  When it is time to take your child to daycare, Kolari says, it’s important to send a message of competence, letting your child know that you are confident that they will be OK and making your goodbyes brief.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

As a kid, I used to string twine across the furniture in my house and create islands out of stools and stacks of books, transforming my living room into a wild and dangerous jungle landscape for my Barbie dolls.

When the set-up was finally complete, Barbie and her cronies were forced to cross the bridges of string, making their way from one “island” to the next. Below, blood-thirsty crocodiles and snakes awaited in the treacherous swampland of the carpet.

My younger sister would get so angry with me because it would take me hours to set up the living room. By the time I was ready to commence the actual playing, she would have grown bored and moved on to something else. Besides, she preferred games with more casual themes: “Barbie and Ken on a date” or “A day at the beach with Barbie” to my elaborate adventure schemes.

I guess I’ve always been a sucker for adventure.

As a kid, I was an avid reader, and I loved the adventures of Nancy Drew. An avid writer as well, by age nine, I had written my own series of mystery novels about the adventures of a young female detective.

Even now I find myself gravitating towards books, movies and TV shows involving some type of adventure.

It probably comes as no surprise then that adventure is a prominent theme in my new novel, Elffolk and the Crystal Caves of Atlantis. A fantasy-adventure for children ages 7 to 10, Elffolk tells the story of two young elves, Enna and Nissa, in the mysterious crystal caves of legendary Atlantis.

With positive role models – a wise, compassionate elder named Gael and a king who reveals to Enna and Nissa the power of their thoughts, expectations and beliefs – Elffolk and the Crystal Caves of Atlantis is an empowering novel for young readers.

For more about Elffolk and the Crystal Caves of Atlantis, please visit http://www.elffolk.com.

1. Scale back your expectations
2. Stick to routines and rules
3. Plan your day
4. Take some downtime
5. Don’t forget to have fun!

The takeaway according to Alison Dunn in her editorial accompanying Jennifer’s interview:

“I’m going to … remember that this is a FAMILY vacation… I’m going to stop worrying about having the perfect vacation and focus on just having fun.”

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Jennifer Kolari. Enjoy!

I had a mirroring moment with my daughter Olivia just this morning. It was a small thing but it never ceases to amaze me how well this technique works and how wonderful it feels when it does. This morning, Olivia stood at the top of the stairs and asked me to help her get a band-aid off her leg. “Help me get it off,” she said, “but don’t rip it”. In my head, I knew it would be a whole ordeal trying to get it off slowly so in a flash I ripped the band-aid off and in a second it was over. She was so upset and angry that she ran into her room yelling at me and slammed the door. My instinct was to say, “oh honey it’s not so bad, it’s better this way it was over so fast now you don’t have to worry about it”. I actually started to say that until I could see on her face how upset she was. I mirrored and said:

“I can’t believe I did that! I just ripped off the band-aid right after you had just told me not to do that. I didn’t listen to you at all. I didn’t respect that it was your body”.

My Olivia, who can be a handful and can get very angry, looked at me, walked over to me and took my hand and asked me to come play with her. It was over just like that. It was a small moment but an important one. Mirroring doesn’t have to take a long time and it doesn’t mean you have to dig deep emotionally. The most powerful moments are the ones where you just “get it” and say it out loud.

* To find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, read the Connected Parenting book or make an appointment with one of our therapists.

RT @HelpWeveGotKids: Yonge Street Players Theatre School is Toronto’s premier training ground 4 young children and teens.http://ht.ly/2gh6V

Thx 4 shout out! RT @OhBabymagazine: #FF some of our awesome bloggers @babybottomline @doitalldaddy@stayathomesue @jenniferkolari @weehands

RT @DeborahMersino: Trans from #gtchat, “Braggart Alert: Helping GT Kids Understand Humility” http://bit.ly/9RioL8{scroll to 11pm 4 start}

RT @DeborahMersino: Trans from noon/EST #gtchat: History Hysteria: Fascinating Site/Resources http://bit.ly/dc3jq7{scroll to 4pm for start}

TY! RT @squagdotcom: This is GREAT. What to do when your child doesn’t want to go to camp -> @Jenniferkolarihttp://ow.ly/18c88M

Thx for the RT! @afterglowTO RT @Jenniferkolari New Post: Mirroring Monday I Don’t Want to Go to Camp Editionhttp://ow.ly/18c88M

So happy to help! RT @afterglowTO: @Jenniferkolari Couldn’t have done it without your book!

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Barbara Miller. Enjoy!

A boy of 10 years old was very anxious about starting a summer baseball day camp this summer, although he had been there last summer and loved it. His mother used mirroring statements effectively, although it was quite hard at the beginning.

Boy: I’m not going, you can’t make me!

Mom: Wow, you REALLY don’t want to go.

Boy: Yeah, I never wanted to go back, you made me.

The mother had previously got into a big power struggle with her son, reminding him that he had in fact requested to go back after last summer…it ended in a “he said/she said” and was not useful.

So she tried a different approach.

Mom: You know, it’s been a long time since last summer and you have different feelings about it now.

Boy: Yeah, and last year I made a friend and then he moved away.

Mom: That’s right, and this year you don’t know anyone…except you do know Sean.

Boy: Yeah but he knows other kids and we’re not really friends.

Mom: So one of the really tough things right now is you don’t have a friend to go with and that makes it kind of tricky.

Boy: Yeah…whenever I make friends they move away, so why bother!

Mom: Well that is really tough and it makes alot of sense that you might not want to get disappointed again…can you tell me a bit about what the counsellors were like?

The boy began to remember how much he liked the counsellors and remembered one in particular that he liked.

Mom: Well what if we take it one day at a time…it’s too much to think of the whole week so let’s just try for one day.

The boy was still very reluctant but agreed to go. It was a bumpy first day, but after that he loved it and said he wants to return again next year!

* To find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, read the Connected Parenting book or make an appointment with one of our therapists.

So true! @amyrhoda

It’s an amazing feeling! RT @amyrhoda: @Jenniferkolari Wow gr8 post! Wht a gr8 feeling … knowing you help parents connect with kids…

RT @ChildAnxiety: Temple Grandin is my guest on our Blog Talk Radio in 30 min http://alturl.com/uv7e3 to log in#autism #aspergers #ASD

A fab eg of mirroring in action! RT @afterglowTO: What do you do when your child has a fit? More on Connected Parenting…http://ow.ly/2cHSC

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from noon/EST #gtchat“Brain Boost or Brain Drain: Teaching GT Kids Self-care”http://bit.ly/bkE1SV

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 07.16 #gtchat “Critical Feedback” http://bit.ly/bOInc9 {Scroll to 11pm for start}#gifted

TY! RT @SueScheff: @FlyontheCWall @TheChattyMomma@surionfi @ellen_matt @LisaMaatz @ccreators@Jenniferkolari @Matt_Mazur @geeky_info_nut#FF

TY for your kind words! RT @afterglowTO: My Blog on Connected Parenting. http://bit.ly/bXC2cd thanks Jennifer Kolari @connectedparenting

YSP Teacher Ty Kostyk Performs: http://tinyurl.com/2bgz4gv

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Rebecca Lindsay. Enjoy!

The ‘almost’ abandoned lunch…

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a die-hard Coca Cola fan. I know just where to get the best fountain Coke mix, I know where to get the glass bottles of Coke from Mexico. I even know which restaurants (fast food and dine in) serve Coke. Needless to say, most often I choose my dining destinations based on whether or not Coca Cola is served.

My Connected Parenting partner Kelly Parisa knows this well! She does her homework when offering to meet for lunch, and is always prepared to offer me choices of restaurants all of whom serve Coca Cola…

Last week, after a particularly difficult week for me, we planned to meet for lunch in Old Town, San Diego. I, having eaten at El Fandango a year ago and knowing they served Coca Cola then, suggested we meet at this particular spot. Since I had suggested this restaurant, there was no need for Kelly to do the beverage research.

I was running a few minutes late and Kelly made it to the restaurant first. She sat down, began enjoying some chips and salsa and then ordered a… Pepsi??? She had a sinking feeling in her stomach when she ordered it, felt an urge to text me and let me know, but refrained because after all, I chose this place. The food must be out-of-this-world, she thought…

So, I arrived a few minutes later and settled in to Kelly’s carefully chosen table by the fire (yes in July). I noticed her dark bubbly beverage and couldn’t wait to order my own. The waiter approached our table and offered to take my drink order. He apologized when I ordered a Coke and explained that they only serve Pepsi. “I need a moment” was all I could muster. I looked at Kelly with my mouth wide open ready to plead my case to leave… that a large, ice cold, fountain Coke was what I really wanted more than anything to make me feel better… There was no need to say anything… No need to explain… The look of horror on Kelly’s face said it all.

“Oh my gosh,” she said. “I thought you knew it was Pepsi here. You love Coke. You’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

My mouth remained open. “They used to be Coke,” were the only words I could get out…

“You hate Pepsi… You love Coke. It’s your drink. Let’s go somewhere else.”

Feeling somewhat mysteriously calmed, I said that I could just order a margarita instead (believe it or not this would not have been much of a consolation for me but I was strangely willing to settle).

“You love Coke. Let’s go somewhere else. I’ll pay for my drink and we’ll leave. There are tons of awesome restaurants that serve Coke and they’re all within walking distance. Let’s go. This is a big deal for you.”

Again, feeling understood and completely validated (whether I was right or wrong), I took a breath, took a moment and really evaluated the situation. Do we leave and go find another place? The atmosphere was perfect. Kelly was so accommodating and looked so concerned…

“You know what? I’m fine. Let’s stay. This is ridiculous. I can order a Pepsi with lemon. It’s not the same but it will do. I’ll live and can get a Coke later.”

“Are you sure?” Kelly asked. “It’s really not that big a deal.” She was completely neutral but beautifully expressed her empathy – and seemed to really understand.

“Ya… I’m sure. I’m okay.” I thanked her for being so cool about the whole thing and then laughed at myself for being so ridiculous!

Would you believe me if I told you that the waiter, (perhaps sensing the possibility we might leave) showed up at our table a few minutes later with a cold bottle of Coke which he had gone and purchased for me?

The mirroring was perfect enough. The fact that the waiter brought me a Coke was the icing on the cake!

I enjoyed an amazing, delicious lunch with my friend, felt validated and understood and secretly a little spoiled and ridiculous for creating such a stir!

* To find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, read the Connected Parenting book or make an appointment with one of our therapists.

RT @DeborahMersino: School Days: Addressing Fall 2010 Concerns & Hopes- http://bit.ly/aU9xpW {Scroll to 4pm/GMT for start}

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 07.09 #gtchat “Role Models: Best Bios for #Gifted“ http://bit.ly/9q9tos {10:30 for start}. TY all!

Thx for the mention! RT @DogwoodMama: Enjoying Heartbreak Cafe by Penelope Stokes & just finished Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari

TY! RT @JacquelineGreen Gr8 #parenting expts @TheFamilyCoach @MicheleBorba @BrendaNixon @Sue Scheff @JenniferKolari @Annie_Fox @ShapingYouth

Any time! RT @ruralmoms: @Jenniferkolari Thanks I needed the inspiration!

From our friends at YSP: Comedy & Improv Can Equal Better Grades http://tinyurl.com/375tc22

LOL RT @ScaryMommy: Spent a whole day sans kids with my husband. I’d forgotten how much I like him.

RT @TheCoffeeKlatch: Wednesday 9PM est – Annie Fox Author of “Middle School Confidential” answers tween questions http://tinyurl.com/279f97b

Thx for the RT @branksomehall! RT @Jenniferkolari: New Post: Mirroring Monday Perfectionist Artist Editionhttp://ow.ly/180n8e

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

There are so many articles and blogs out there about how important it is for mothers to take care of themselves. Most of us read and nod in an agreement with a vague promise that we have to do that, but then we never quite get to it, or if we do it doesn’t last long. That advice is out there for a reason and a very important one. Why do you think on an airplane they tell parents to put on the mask first? Being exhausted and only doing everything for others is not healthy for you–and it’s not what’s best for your kids.

Being a great parent means taking care of yourself and modeling that self care for your family. Many of my blogs so far have been about what we can do for our kids. And following this advice means being strong and ready to take on the challenge. As Moms we are used to those challenges, doing everything for others, multitasking, being on the move, driving to dance classes, making lunches, breaking up arguments, helping with homework and on and on. Many mothers feel guilty when they do things for themselves and, as a result, get depleted.

Finding time to rest, eat well, and spend time doing things we like may sound like things you don’t have energy for, but they are critical to good parenting. We can’t be the parent we want to be if we are at our wits end most of the time. Here are some practical tips to help you take care of yourself. Remember: giving to yourself is a gift to your family.

1. Go on a virtual vacation

Close the door and sit at the computer, choose some great music for the background, go to the place where you keep your pictures on the computer and hit slide show mode. You can run pictures of vacations you’ve been on and get swept away. Or look at photos of a happy family gathering and see those smiling faces. This is what you do it all for.

2. Get together with friends

Choose a night once or twice a month to get together with good friends and stick to it. And don’t spend all night talking about the kids!

3. Walk

Go for a walk alone in nature if possible.

4. Express your creativity

A few hours doing something creative apart from your family can do a lot to recharge your batteries.

5. Take a bath with candles, music or a great book

I know this sounds corny and cliché, but it really is soothing and comforting. Bring a book or listen to a great book on your iPod to take yourself away and relax. Choose a bath night and tell your whole family you are sticking to it and to respect that time.

6. Get a Mother’s Helper

See if there’s a younger teen or tween in your neighborhood who can help you once a week. If they’re too young to babysit, they can help by playing with younger kids so you can get other things done, or rest. Little ones are fascinated by bigger kids and the tween or young teen will love the responsibility.

7. Delegate

It won’t always be done just the way you like it, but it is important to spread responsibilities around. It’s good for the kids and it’s good for you. Get your kids to help out.

8. Laugh

Take time to laugh and be silly. Rent a great DVD of a standup comedian, watch a funny movie and laugh–it’s so healing and so fun.

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Kelly Parisa. Enjoy!

“I can’t do this! This is stupid!”

A second grader, a smart, perfectionist who wants and needs to get everything “just right,” was struggling with an art project, using pipe cleaners. He was mumbling and fussing and grumbling and obviously so frustrated up to that point.

I sat down next to him, “What’s up?”

“This is stupid! I can’t do this!”

“You can’t make this work at all…these pipe cleaners aren’t bending the way you want and it doesn’t look like the turtle you want it to be.”

“Yeah! I‘ll never be able to do this!”

“Yeah, it’s not turning out like you want and it’s so hard to get these to work. Hmmm…so tell me what you think it should look like.” (he proceeds to describe his idea in great detail)

“So this just isn’t going to work at all. It‘s just so complicated.”

“No. I just can’t get it…” He tosses pipe cleaners to the side.

I pick up my own set and start to fiddle with my own version…

“No, not like that…”

“Oh, do you think you have an idea? This isn’t right, huh?”

“Yeah, maybe I can do it…here, let me see.”

And he’s off…

“See, the legs need to bend down like this and these make the shell…”

I sat with him for a few more minutes, having him describe to me his process as I commented on (mirrored) his progress:

“Wow, you put those black ones on to make the spots on the shell like you talked about…that looks cool!”

Mirroring (“this is too hard, and stupid“), Identifying the Problem (can’t get the pipe cleaners to cooperate) and Coming Up with a Solution (describing the plan and working the design).

The result: a beautiful, magical turtle that he was proud to display in his class art gallery. And more importantly: the confidence and knowledge that he is capable, resilient and talented.

* To find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, read the Connected Parenting book or book an appointment with one of our therapists.

3 Tips for Taking Back Some Control in an Uncontrollable world by Penelope Loves Lists: http://tinyurl.com/33bszl8

Happy 4th of July!

@JacquelineGreen’s advice about how to set your family up for a great weekend or summer day: http://tinyurl.com/32ba7fc

Karate & the Zen of Ben via Squag: http://squag.com/index.php/blog/article/23/

Thx for the shout out! RT @squagdotcom: Love @Jenniferkolari and her ideas about “Ruthless Compassion” —>http://tinyurl.com/yzz3uxs

11 Ways to Avoid Becoming A Workaholic from Zen Habits http://tinyurl.com/2amd6p6

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 7pm/EST #gtchat: Math Mania: Finding the Best Resources/Links/Tools http://bit.ly/bRw4y7 {10:10 start}

RT @DeborahMersino: Trans 4 noon/EST #gtchatTweens/Teens: Confronting Tough Life ?s http://bit.ly/cvHykl {4pm for start} #gifted TY Erik!

Limits and warmth are the magic combination when it comes to teens and alcohol via NYT’s Motherlode http://tinyurl.com/399spx2

RT @studentsgrow: For teachers and school psychs, a new post on how to relax! http://tinyurl.com/388sw

Happy Canada Day to my Canadian tweeps!

Planning to take my own advice & scale back on updates, tweets, and posts over the summer while I spend more time with my family and on R&R.

NYT’s Motherlode discusses bedtimes: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/29/quality-bedtime/

How to Fight Maternal Stress via Autism Unexpected http://tinyurl.com/2b2qtbr

Mistake Mulch: A Short Guide to Making Mistakes by Gwen Bell http://tinyurl.com/2b6q75j

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

For many families there will be a school break of some sort in the next few weeks and whether you are staying home or going away, here are some tips to help make sure you have a great time:

1. Set loving limits

Behaviour doesn’t take a vacation–it comes with you. Start as soon as you get in the car/to the airport/in the taxi by being fair and kind, but firm right from the get go. This will help your kids know what kind of behaviour you expect for the rest of the trip. It can be counterintuitive because we want to make sure that everyone is having fun, but setting limits early means everyone will be much happier for the rest of the trip.

2. Before you leave – take the whole family to a restaurant with the intention of leaving if need be

If you will be eating at a lot of restaurants on your vacation, then try this little trick. Before your trip, go to a restaurant and let them know that if there is any misbehaving, you will leave. Expect to go home with your meals in a box and be ready for it, then if they misbehave–leave. This will show your kids that you are prepared to do this at restaurants or other activities on vacation as well.

3. Front Load – let them know how you expect them to behave and how you will help them

Start talking to your kids a couple of days before the trip about what kind of behaviour you expect. Decide on what consequences there will be if they misbehave so they know ahead of time and can make good choices. Let them know you will help them with reminders to make those good choices.

4. Talk about the kind of behaviour you expect between siblings

Explain that negative behaviour between siblings gets in the way of everyone’s fun; good behaviour (such as compliments or encouragement) will help make everyone happy. Catch them being kind or thoughtful to one another.

5. Set your own realistic expectations

We think that because we’re going on vacation, all of the things that drive us crazy here at home will go on vacation too. This is usually not the case, and we need to make sure our own expectations are realistic so that we aren’t disappointed.

6. Make sure there is quality family time and alone time each day

As parents, we also want to get in some “me” time during the vacation. Make sure you do some “together activities” that let you and the kids connect – really get in there and play with the kids – then you can tell them that mommy and daddy need time to be adults and they will respect that.

7. Create a trip agenda

Kids like to have some structure. Creating an agenda lets them know what is going to happen each day and helps them to set expectations. It doesn’t have to be detailed or rigid, just give them a sense of what to expect each day, building in lots of time for transitions like getting ready and organized.

8. Stick to bedtimes

Keeping, within reason, the same routine you have at home will ensure they are well-rested each day. It doesn’t have to be the same time as at home, just make sure it’s as consistent as possible. Tiredness is one of the leading causes of difficult behaviour.

9. Make sure to schedule in some downtime

No matter what age we are, we all need a bit of down time each day when we are on vacation. Take some time each afternoon to relax – and have some quiet moments away from distractions, programs and groups of people. This will keep kids from getting overwhelmed and over-stimulated and keep everyone in good spirits.

10. Be playful, loving and silly

A vacation is a great time to bond, cuddle and spend lots of quality time together. Make sure to laugh, be silly and really enjoy the moment–sometimes we can get so caught up in organizing everyone that we lose the joy in it all.

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Cindy Smolkin. Enjoy!

I love working with the families I work with. Their courage, openness, love for their children and persistent dedication do not cease to inspire and energize me. It is so exciting to coach parents and to work together in our sessions. But today’s Mirroring Monday is not examples of the stories clients have reported to me in my office, nor are they examples of my own parenting experiences; instead they are simple “live” examples of how mirroring works:

A few weeks ago I was on the phone with a mother organizing appointment times when I heard the sounds of an unhappy child in the background. Raised voice, intensity and frustration were permeating the backdrop. I said to the mom, “Someone is really not happy.” And her answer was, with obvious intent for this to be heard by her tantruming daughter, “Yes. Well, K. really wanted a banana and when she took the last one we had, it was so bruised, and mushy and really gross. And who on earth would want to eat a banana like that, which is all just so annoying because she was in such a mood for a delicious banana and this one is so not delicious.” And then…silence. Complete and utter quiet from K. in the background.

Again a few weeks ago, I was sitting in a school office awaiting an appointment with a vice principal. Lunch recess was wrapping up and the students were making their way back into class. A girl of about 11, accompanied by her caring friend, came into the office crying. The secretary, who had been hard at work on her computer, turned to the crying student, bent down, took off her glasses and said, “Oh no. What happened?” The student proceeded to explain that she had fallen in the yard and hurt her knee, to which the secretary responded with a most compassionate, “Oh no. That is not fun at all.” To which the student continued by saying that on her way in to the office she tripped and fell on the same injured knee, to which the secretary replied, “No. The same knee? Really? Oh my, you are a wreck. Sit down and let’s tend to this. This was so not your recess!” To which the student replied with a giggle.

And finally, this example goes several years back and I often remind my friend of this simple story. I was at my friend’s house for dinner, her three children were in the basement. At some point the quiet calm of three siblings getting along took a turn and was replaced with raised voices, arguing and banging. Her middle child came upstairs and said (well, not really “said”, more like really whined), “S. keeps standing in front of the television and I am trying to watch my show.” I was fully prepared for my friend to go into some sort of lecture about how they need to work it out on their own, about how they have to try to get along better or to simply yell down to her eldest child to stop bothering her sister. Instead, my friend said to her daughter, with absolute compassion, “Ughh. That’s so annoying. I hate it when someone does something like that to me.” And that was it. Her daughter simply said “yeah”. She was completely satisfied that her mother “got” her frustration and that is really all she needed.

* To find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, read the Connected Parenting book or book an appointment with one of our therapists.

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from noon/EST 06/25#gtchat | Lightening Up: Why & How Humor = Sanity for#Gifted” | http://bit.ly/aGnhxm

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 06.25 #gtchat | Making a Tough Choice: School Options Unplugged http://bit.ly/cJgk76 {11pm} #gifted

RT @BrendaNixon: Wise Parents NEVER make food an object of power/control w their kids. Do not beg/bribe = avoiding future eating disorder.

Many thanks for the Follow Friday love! @SueScheff@JacquelineGreen #FF

@JaquelineGreen on parenting and perfectionism:http://tinyurl.com/36d4o2o

Jonathan Fields on turning fear into fuel: http://bit.ly/d1Auas

“Defensive Scheduling” Works for making sure you take some time for yourself too. http://tinyurl.com/33apfsw via Fast Company

RT @alysonschafer: Ikea play report very interesting! 73 percent of kids said they’d rather play with parents than watch tv!

TY 4 the shout out! RT @squagdotcom: Aides: Don’t have 2 be a parent to use the strategies of Connected Parentinghttp://tinyurl.com/244u844

Remember the good old days when family car trips meant fighting and yelling? Where the back seat was full of “are we there yets?” and “he’s staring at me’s”? Traveling was sometimes a little frenzied but along with the squabbles came joy, laughter, singing, car games, and people actually seeing things out the window.

Nowadays our kids prepare to travel by hauling electronic devices. Nearly every member of the family is plugged into some sort of entertainment. On our last family car trip, I drove along the highway in silence. Not a sound, complaint, or argument arose from the seats behind me. We even went through a drive-thu–ordered, paid and received food, without anyone noticing. As I drove,  I looked over at my husband reading his emails, my 15-year-old son on his Itouch, my 13-year-old daughter texting wildly, and my 5-year-old watching TV and felt the strangest feeling –loneliness. How odd to be in a car with five people and feel lonely.

I wondered when we became this family of isolated travelers. Last summer we didn’t seem to be so plugged in, how did this happen?  Now it was so quiet and I hated it. After surprisingly little convincing and cajoling, everyone put down their devices and we finally did play games and make some noise. It was loud and it was chaotic — there was even some conflict — but it was wonderful. We all agreed that while we enjoy our devices, being connected to one another was much more pleasurable than being hooked up to our electronics.

It is ironic that in a world where we are so “connected” we are becoming increasingly disconnected. I went for coffee with my husband last week and saw five girls at a table together. Not one of them was talking, all were texting. As parents we have to help our children make good choices about these devices. The more our kids are connected to us, the happier and more secure in their relationships with us, the less they will be drawn to their phones and computers.

I am not against these things. These things are part of our world and tightly woven into how young people interact with each other. Devices can be great for parents, too. They can help us feel safe and know where our kids are. We can support and help them when they need us. We can send them texts about how much we love them and stay connected when we are away from them. But it is important to know when to draw the line. Making time to turn our electronics off will mean stronger family bonds and fewer missed milkshakes at the drive thru!

Happy Father’s Day!

RT @DeborahMersino: Trans from 06.18 7pm #gtchat “Mistaken Identity: When Others Don’t Get” #Gifted‘”http://bit.ly/cjgRdx {11pm start}

RT @DeborahMersino: For anyone who is curious, use#gtstoogies for pre- and after- #gtchat and fun dialogue (food/other) between Fri chats!

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 06.18 noon/EST #gtchat “Science Exploration: Best Sites for GT Students/Kids” http://bit.ly/bZj0oB

RT @HoagiesGifted: Why fun is important in learning – Part 2 http://bit.ly/cEAx9A Thanks @GiftedHFhttp://fb.me/As3sb4EH

RT @HoagiesGifted: Why fun is important in learning (Part I) http://bit.ly/99WvpR Thanks @GiftedHFhttp://fb.me/BfdNQvEA

Thanks for the mention @HelpWeveGotKids!

@JacquelineGreen Thanks for the #FF!

You go girl! http://thestar.blogs.com/parentcentral/2010/06/time-crunched-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it.html

RT @DeborahMersino: “Science Exploration: Best Sites for GT Students/Kids” will be our noon/EST #gtchat topic tomorrow/06.18. #gifted

RT @DeborahMersino: Mistaken Identity: When Others Don’t Get “Gifted” will be our 7pm/EST #gtchat topic for tomorrow/06.18. Join us! #gifted

Thx for the RT! @JacquelineGreen: RT @Jenniferkolari What to Do When Your Toddler Hits Another Child http://bit.ly/ckLgff

TY 4 RT! @Reader_Writer: RT @mychildfeels “Book Review: Connected Parenting by @jenniferkolari” by @marshaj…http://bit.ly/c0BtP3

Good news on anti-bullying programs: http://tinyurl.com/379qqys

Thanks for the RTs! @Child_Health_OW @Parenting_OW

It’s not easy being the mother of “that kid.” Being the parent of the child who whacks other kids in the playground can mean constant worry and heartbreak. Being the mother of “that kid” means holding your breath during playgroups and hoping your child doesn’t push or pinch an unsuspecting child–and apologizing profusely when he does.

Before you know it, you become known as the mother of “that kid.” You know other mothers are saying things like “Oh, that kid, I don’t want that kid playing at my house,” or “I don’t want my son playing with that kid.” Sometimes other mothers stop seeing your child and see only a “bad kid.” They forget he is little person, with feelings, that he is young and he is struggling. (If we’re honest, we have all thought this way about certain kids and often sit in detached judgment, blaming the parents.)

As a family therapist, I work with the parents of “those kids” all the time and so often see parents who are trying everything to help their children to behave. I see their frustration, fear and tears. These parents love their children deeply and it is so painful to know the rest of the world does not feel the same way. They are often doing everything they can, removing their child from the situation, trying rewards and consequences.

Many moms cry themselves to sleep with worry, guilt and shame, wondering why their child can’t be like the other children. Many of these parents have other children who are not like this at all, which adds to the bewilderment. I work with so many moms who tell me when they walk into school they can barely stand it because they know all the other moms are looking at them and talking about their child.

So if you are the mother of a kid like that, it’s best to be open and honest. Let the other mothers know you are aware of the problem and that you’re working on the issues. Keep play dates and play situations short and sweet and keep a close eye on your child without hovering. If your child does hurt another child, give them a time out or leave the park or play date and have your child draw a picture for the other child. If your child was rude to the other parent, have them write a note or draw a picture for that parent, as a way of saying sorry it can go a long way.

If you can help the other parents to see your child as a child who is trying and struggling and not as an aggressor, this can really help. You just have to try to keep your chin up and get through it. Eventually when the behaviour changes, the kids figure it out–and so do the moms.

“Every story you read is an example of conquering fear, whether an immediate physical danger, the looming threat of failure, the pressure to compete in a changing world, the incessant quest for identity, or the overwhelming uncertainty of death.”

I especially liked Benjamin Zander’s piece, entitled Open to Possibility, about learning to take creative risks. To check out Fear.less, click here.

Gratitude. http://playgroupsarenoplaceforchildren.com/2010/06/09/gratitude/

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 06.11 #gtchat on “Confident Parenting: Myth or Magic?” http://bit.ly/be80aK{4pm start} TY! #gifted

Glad it’s working out! RT @sarawinter_: Thank-you @jenniferkolari and Connected Parenting for suggesting the accomplishments log!

RT @DeborahMersino: Transcript from 06.11 #gtchat“Growing Up 2 Fast: Society & #Gifted Pressure Cooker”http://bit.ly/aMDFp6 {11pm start}

RT @bweikle: The perfect TV mom is no more (thank GAWD). – Parentcentral.ca http://ow.ly/1XCxI

Congrats! RT @sarawinter_: @Jenniferkolari Thx for the mention Jennifer. The blog is up! App will be ready for testing in just three weeks!

Thanks for the RT @Child_Health_OW: Is it Just Me? – Gorilla Gardening – Connected #Parentinghttp://bit.ly/aP0StT

@OhBabymagazine Thanks for the #FF!

Thanks for the RT! @Parenting_OW @Child_Health_OW

New social site for teens and tweens on the autistic spectrum created by @sarawinter_ and her family:http://squag.com/index.php/about/

More great stuff from the YSP blog:http://yongestreetplayers.com/2010/06/09/what-comes-first-the-funny-kid-or-the-funny-parent/

RT @babyfacts: Good news: Perfection is overrated! Here’s what author & parenting expert Jennifer Kolari has to say…http://bit.ly/a16GTG

Check out the latest post from the Yonge Street Players blog: 10 Reasons Your Child Should Take Improvhttp://bit.ly/aD3jsY