As we rush around in our busy lives, it’s important to remember to play. If you need inspiration, check out this TED Talk about the importance of play by Stuart Brown of the National Institute for Play (NIFP):

According to Brown, “nothing lights up the brain like play,” and “play has a biological place just like sleep and dream do.”

According to the NIFP, there are 7 patterns of play:

• Attunement Play
• Body Play and Movement
• Object Play
• Social Play
• Imaginative and Pretend Play
• Storytelling-Narrative Play
• Transformative-Integrative and Creative Play

Each type of play has an important function, but most relevant to the Connected Parenting model is attunement play, which seems to roughly correlate to the “baby play” or “connected play” discussed in the Connected Parenting book. This is what the NIFP has to say about attunement play:

“When an infant makes eye contact with her mother, each experiences a spontaneous surge of emotion (joy). The baby responds with a radiant smile, the mother with her own smile and rhythmic vocalizations (baby talk).  This is the grounding base of the state-of-play. It is known, through EEG and other imaging technologies, that the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control is “attuned” in both infant and mother.”

As Jennifer Kolari explains in Connected Parenting, attunement/connected play continues to be important even when your child is no longer a baby. Parents can engage in connected play with older children by cuddling, looking at old baby pictures together and looking into eachother’s eyes. Check out this post to learn more about connected play.

Do you engage in attunement/connected play with your child? What is your favourite connected play activity?

Jacqueline Green has a great post about the standoffishness that often welcomes you home after you’ve been travelling. As Jacqueline explains, this chilly reception results from frustration when you’re separated from someone you’re attached to. After discussing this phenomenon with Jennifer Kolari, Jacqueline decided to try reconnecting with her daughter using “baby play.”

As Jennifer explains in chapter 3 of the Connected Parenting book, “baby play is a way to let children know they are still your babies and to redo some … attachment bonding … that may have unravelled along the way.” Baby play can include snuggling in bed together in the mornings, tickling, rubbing noses, or looking into each other’s eyes. It even works with older children. As Jacqueline explains:

“Baby play is more about the mood you create than doing a specific action. [One] way of doing what Kolari calls baby play is to go over old photos with your child… If you identify what you are already doing that qualifies as baby play, then the trick is to intentionally apply it when your child needs it most.”

To read Jacqueline’s full post, click here.

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader whose nineteen-month-old son has been clinging to his father and acting out when he doesn’t get his father’s immediate attention.

Jennifer explains that this behaviour is common and may result from attachment worries, especially if the parent travels frequently or works long hours. Jennifer notes that trying to keep Dad away can exacerbate the situation, causing the child to escalate in protest. Instead, she recommends that Mom use her mirroring technique, saying: “You want Daddy, you see me all the time and it’s Daddy you want, you love Daddy, I love him too, I can see why you want to be with him.” This will show your child that you understand both his message and its urgency. Jennifer also suggests that Dad spend about half an hour of focussed time with his child as soon as he arrives home. After this, the child will usually feel they’ve gotten what they need and will accept it when Dad moves on to another activity. If they don’t, or if Dad isn’t immediately available on occasion, use mirroring statements to calm the child. Finally, Jennifer advises that Mom spend several minutes once or twice a day on baby play with her child so that their bond doesn’t get frayed while dealing with all the “Daddy meltdowns.”

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner. You may also want to read our related post: When Kids Play Favourites.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

One issue moms often talk to me about is how strongly they react when their older child hurts, or is rough with, the baby. This is really common, especially if the older child is under five. Young kids are often rough with their little siblings–sometimes it is intended and behavioral, and sometimes it’s just because they get really excited and can’t control those big feelings.

Either way, it can make your protective instincts take over and your response can be more intense than you meant it to be.

Safety is important and older siblings must learn to be gentle with baby siblings, but sometimes “blowing up” can lead to more of the very behaviors that made you upset in the first place. They can add to any feelings the older child may have of feeling less important or less loved than the baby. This is not rational, young kids don’t reflect on their behaviors, they just focus on how they feel.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Remember to try and stay neutral, which is very hard, I know. You can be serious and firm, but if you “fly off the handle,” it won’t help.

2. Sit down with your older child every day for some connecting play with her alone. She may even want you to baby her and give her the same kind of attention the baby gets. This is fine and she will not regress permanently. In fact, it can be tremendously helpful and strengthening for your older child.

Pull out baby pictures, her favorite toys or little outfits she wore when she was younger and tell her lots of stories about when she was a baby. This alone may decrease her negative feelings or behaviors regarding the baby.

3. Talk to your older child in a calm moment about the importance of being careful and gentle with the baby and let her know that there will be consequences if she chooses to be rough.

What I like to suggest is an interruption. It’s not a traditional time-out, instead, she is asked to go somewhere else to think for a few minutes and can come back when she is ready to comply. You don’t have to lecture or discuss it when the interruption is over, just welcome her back and repeat the routine until the behavior stops. If you are calm and consistent, it will work.

4. Help your older child make good choices by offering alternate ways to interact with the baby and let her know when you notice her trying to be appropriate. Remember too, that the baby is not made of glass. Babies are pretty tough and, within reason, being squeezed and picked up by siblings is part of living in a family.

The November issue of Today’s Parent includes a fabulous article about the Connected Parenting book by Dafna Izenberg. In her Q&A with Jennifer Kolari, Izenberg explores key Connected Parenting concepts such as mirroring, keeping the right amount of tension in the rope connecting you and your child, and baby play. It’s a great overview with lots of anecdotes from Jennifer. Have a look.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

You know those delicious moments when you and your child are locked into each other’s gaze-laughing, smiling or just making faces? Those moments when the rest of the world disappears and you’re the parent of the most adorable child on the planet? Few things in life can touch those times, and they are much more than just feel-good moments. These interactions are critical to the parent/child bond and to your baby’s health and development.

All that cooing, copying of your baby’s facial expressions and mimicking her sounds lets her know that she is deeply treasured and understood. We reflect that understanding back by copying and imitating our babies in a wonderful back-and-forth dance throughout our day. Babies love and crave this interaction. All this mirroring calms and soothes them and helps them to feel safe with what is happening around them.

In fact, chemicals are being released in the brain that make your baby feel wonderful and elated, which has a profound impact on her brain. Science now shows that the more pleasant experiences she has, the more her brain specializes for resilience and happiness. Most of the brain’s circuitry is developed after birth, and it is through these intimate connections that neuropathways develop and babies learn to organize and regulate emotions. These are also the building blocks for the development of empathy and social skills.