If you are new to Connected Parenting or just want a refresher, check out this interview with Jennifer Kolari about Minimizing Tantrums by Mirroring. The interview gives a great overview of the CALM method and mirroring as well as answering several frequently asked questions.

* You may also want to check out our Mirroring Monday series for lots of great examples of mirroring.

According to the Orchid Hypothesis, popularized by David Dobbs in The Atlantic last year, a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, hyperactivity and behavioral problems may be better understood as a heightened sensitivity to both positive and negative environmental influences. Dobbs dubbed these hyper-sensitive children, orchid children who “wilt if ignored or maltreated but bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care.”

Last week, I spoke with Jennifer Kolari, founder of Connected Parenting, to find out how parents can create a positive environment for their orchid children.

Q: Do you ever encounter “orchid children” in your practice?

A: I would say that most of the children we see at Connected Parenting are orchid children who are incredibly sensitive to their environments, both physical and emotional.

One thing I’ve really noticed is that a lot of families have a nurturing stable home life and their children are still having trouble emotionally. Some kids are so sensitive that other people’s moods and energy levels can affect them. They often have enough trouble regulating their own emotions and they overreact to issues, tone of voice, even tastes or fabrics.

Q: What do you see as creating problems for these kids?

A: Because incredibly sensitive children can be frustrating and because they have a tendency to overreact, the messages they often get back from their parents are things like “you’re OK,” “it’s fine,” “Why are you acting this way?” The message is off – it doesn’t match what they are experiencing which can increase their emotional confusion and ability to organize what’s happening to them internally.

Q: So what can parents do to give their orchid children the positive environment that can be so beneficial to them?

A: One thing that’s really important is neutrality. Hyper-sensitive kids have a hard time dealing with other people’s emotions so you have to stay neutral when you are trying to parent them. You also need to make sure that you are setting loving limits and giving them messages of competence that they can and will get through whatever they are experiencing.

But the most important thing parents can do is to build strong bonds with their child using the CALM method I describe in my book. Using this method, which is really a therapy technique, parents “mirror” their child, matching their child’s affect and sending back the same message their child is sending them. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right into the part of the brain that regulates emotion and mood control and that’s the same part of the brain that is in control of bonding. When you mirror properly, you release reward chemicals, including oxytocin, in your child’s brain. Consistent mirroring helps with resilience and emotional organization and brings out the best in your child.

You can find out more about the CALM method and mirroring by listening to my podcast (courtesy of Penguin Group USA), or you could read my book

Q: What advice would you give parents of older children or teenagers?

A: It’s never too late. These techniques work even for adults. The brain remains neuroplastic so it’s never too late.

Other posts about orchid children:

New Theory Suggests that Overly Sensitive Children Have Over-sized Potential,
More on Orchid and Dandelion Children,
Following the Orchid and Dandelion Discussion,
New Research Supports Orchid Hypothesis

Start the week off right with examples of mirroring from the team at Connected Parenting. If you’re new to Connected Parenting and want to find out more about mirroring and the CALM method, check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA).

This week’s Mirroring Moment is from Janis Beach. Enjoy!

A client walked into my office last week excitedly exclaiming “I nailed it — I’m getting this mirroring thing!”

She went on to tell me that after some ‘discussion’ her 7 year old daughter had gone up to her room to put away her laundry and generally tidy her room. As my client (mom) went by the room she could hear her daughter mumbling to herself with great intensity in a way that usually would escalate into a meltdown and an exhausting scene! Taking a deep breath mom went into the room and said “Finding just the right place for those socks sure is frustrating, eh? Want some help?” Her daughter turned to her and said in a very calm way, “No thanks. I’m good.”

Perfectionist meltdown averted!

Share your own favorite mirroring moment in the comments below. Or are you stumped? Feel free to leave a comment describing a situation you encountered where you couldn’t figure out how to mirror. We’ll try to incorporate it into a future Mirroring Monday post.

Here’s a little secret for you on Valenetine’s Day: the CALM method works on your significant other too! It’s not just for kids – you can use it with anyone you want to feel closer to. My husband and I mirror with each other all the time and even though we know it’s a technique, it still works. Mirroring bypasses language and goes right to the mood center of our brain, in other words we feel it not just hear it.

I often get asked whether the CALM method and mirroring aren’t really just a way to manipulate your kids (or in this case, your partner). The answer is that if you are trying to manipulate then it can be manipulative. But if you’re trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and show them you care and you get them then it’s not manipulative at all. It gives you a rush of oxytocin (also know as the ” love drug”) which stumulates bonding and makes you both feel great.

So here’s your homework for Valentine’s Day: mirror with your sweetheart. Whether you are getting along well or going through a rough patch, it can really work. If they do something nice for you this Valentine’s Day, mirror the time, effort and thoughtfulness they put into it. If it’s just another day in your household, mirror to show you understand that there’s lots on your partner’s plate and that you appreciate the little things they do for you and your family every day. However you do it, it’ll set the tone for a loving day together. Enjoy!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about her 28-month-old daughter’s whining. Jennifer suggests making sure you are not ignoring or otherwise missing more appropriate attempts at communication, which can lead to an escalation of whining to get your attention. She advises using her CALM method, listening to your child and reflecting back what they are saying, to stop the whining. Then ask your child to repeat their request without whining and give lots of positive feedback. Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

As we celebrate our families this Thanksgiving, here are five techniques to be thankful for from the Connected Parenting book:

5. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Consistent limits give your child a sense of security. They know that someone is looking out for them.

4. Staying neutral. Staying neutral keeps a difficult situation from escalating, avoids rewarding bad behavior with negative attention, and allows you to think more clearly.

3. Connected play. Cuddling, looking into your child’s eyes, or looking at baby pictures with your child all cause your child’s brain to release endorphins, making them feel calm and happy.

2. Mirroring. Use the CALM method to connect with your child, match his affect, and really listen to what your child is trying to tell you to create genuine mirroring.

1. Making your child feel delicious. Most of all, be thankful for your wonderful child who loves you to pieces.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Check out this podcast by Jennifer Kolari (courtesy of Penguin Group USA) to find out more.

Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a parent who suspects that her daughter may be gifted at My Child Feels:

Jennifer explains that in gifted children, the left brain, which is logical, mathematical and reasonable, understands too much. The right side of the brain, which regulates emotion, can’t cope with it all. To help gifted children learn to manage their big emotions, Jennifer advises using the CALM technique she discusses in the Connected Parenting book (which includes a section devoted to gifted children). Try to understand your child’s feelings, even if those feelings seem unreasonable, as well as spending extra time cuddling and connecting.

Read Jennifer’s full response at My Child Feels.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Ah, the public tantrum–don’t you love those? It can be mortifying when your little one throws herself on the floor screaming and you feel like the whole world is judging your parenting skills.

Some kids know they can use these public fits to get what they want, others are just tired or over stimulated and don’t know what else to do. Either way, it is so important to handle the situation properly, to ensure that the moment becomes a thing of the past–and to make sure that, in the future, your child will be able to regulate her behaviour when you go out.

The first thing we all need to remember is that talking through your teeth and “whisper screaming” (as one child I worked with called it), is not an effective way to handle a tantrum. While we may think that this tactic is less obvious to those around us, it usually has the exact opposite effect. The key is to forget about what others think and react in public the same way you would at home. Just say to yourself “Ok, here we go, everyone enjoy the show.” The child will learn there is not a difference between outside and inside the home. My recommendation in either setting is to be neutral–yelling never works. Stay calm as you try to respond to the behaviour.

Before you even get into a tantrum situation, frontload your child so they know what will happen if they behave a certain way, help them to make a good choice and above all follow through–don’t make threats that you will not follow through on.

For example, on your way to the mall, empathize with them and say, “You’re going to see all kinds of awesome toys and things you really want, but we are buying a present for your cousins, okay?” They will likely agree until you are in the store and they see something they want. This is where you will get that feeling in your stomach where you think “oh no, here we go, I really don’t want to deal with this.” Breathe through this feeling and ready yourself. Never fear the tantrum, it always makes things worse.

As things escalate, make a couple of mirroring statements: “that is such a cool toy; that’s the one you saw on TV; I get why you want it because it’s so cool.” In my book Connected Parenting, I describe how to mirror using the CALM technique. Essentially, mirroring is a therapist’s technique that helps create a safe place for the child, builds resilience and increases compliance. It is also an effective tool to help children organize and regulate their emotions.

If she still escalates, just tell her you have tried to understand, but that she cannot have the toy. Tell her to go ahead and have a fit and you will wait for her to finish. I love this technique because they will often not meltdown because you have paradoxically allowed it.

The final thing to try is what I call an intervention. Go to the mall or restaurant–not for a nice meal or to do some shopping–but for the sole purpose of leaving if they meltdown. Follow the steps above and then leave if you have to. You won’t be upset because you were prepared to leave anyway and they will learn that you mean business. You will definitely enjoy a peaceful outing next time.

You may be interested in a related post, Tantrums.

Connected Parenting founder Jennifer Kolari is set to join the board and camp standards committee of Camp to Belong. CTB is an organization that reunites siblings who have been placed in separate foster, adoptive or kinship homes. Summer camp and year-round programs are specifically designed to nurture sibling bonds. Host camps across the United States and in Australia work with CTB to give siblings a “safe, neutral, week-long camp environment to create childhood memories together.”

When Jennifer heard about Camp to Belong and spoke with founder Lynn Price, she immediately saw a way to contribute. Jennifer’s Connected Parenting philosophy and her CALM method were born out of her experience in group homes early in her career. Jennifer can’t wait to work with CTB to implement the Connected Parenting model and to enhance their existing programming!

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a question from a reader who is struggling with her in-laws.

Jennifer advises using her CALM method to de-escalate the conflict, employing mirroring statements to show that you understand your in-laws’ point of view. She explains how mirroring actually causes the release of endorphins and opiates in the brain, calming the person you are talking to. Once you have made at least three mirroring statements, you will be able to set limits or ask for compliance. Although it’s often the last thing you feel like doing, following this approach is the most effective way of communicating in difficult situations. Although the Connected Parenting book discusses using the CALM method with your children, it’s equally effective in dealing with your in-laws, husband, or boss.

Click here to read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.