Guest blogger Kim Schewitz is a marketing consultant, writer and mother of two.

A radiant summer’s day finds the sandbox wriggling and writhing with clammy contenders for the lone dump truck. Two pairs of chubby, dimpled paws simultaneously lay claim and an animated tug of war ensues. Evenly matched the slightly more coordinated of the two lands what in 18 years’ time would be described as a punch and all hell breaks loose. Two fretful mothers descend amongst a gaggle of whispering onlookers; accusations are hurled and the mother of the aggressor rescinds in shame, apparitions of a lawsuit trailing not only behind her, but now too in the forefront of her anxiety – her newly-acquired poltergeist will only be subdued with a strict new discipline regime.

Meanwhile in the very same park, a 7-year-old game of tag has Caitlyn standing longing and forlorn on the sidelines, her precluding crime: her feminine garb. “You’re too prissy to play tag. Look at you in your silly, girly dress with checks and ribbons. Who do you think you are, Princess Jasmine?” The maternal response to these taunts and jeers is markedly more dismissive: “Oh honey, you know how girls can be sometimes. Take no notice of them, I’m sure they didn’t mean it; they were probably just jealous of your beautiful clothes.” (more…)

Check out the Fall 2009 issue of Think Magazine for Jennifer Kolari’s article about the emotional equipment your child needs for a successful day at school. To be able “to focus, to understand, to learn; and to experience social, academic and emotional success” at school, your child needs rest, resilience, confidence, joy, a willingness to make mistakes, love, trust, understanding, empathy and peace of mind. Have a look at the the full article (scroll to the second page). Enjoy!

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby]

Ah, the public tantrum–don’t you love those? It can be mortifying when your little one throws herself on the floor screaming and you feel like the whole world is judging your parenting skills.

Some kids know they can use these public fits to get what they want, others are just tired or over stimulated and don’t know what else to do. Either way, it is so important to handle the situation properly, to ensure that the moment becomes a thing of the past–and to make sure that, in the future, your child will be able to regulate her behaviour when you go out.

The first thing we all need to remember is that talking through your teeth and “whisper screaming” (as one child I worked with called it), is not an effective way to handle a tantrum. While we may think that this tactic is less obvious to those around us, it usually has the exact opposite effect. The key is to forget about what others think and react in public the same way you would at home. Just say to yourself “Ok, here we go, everyone enjoy the show.” The child will learn there is not a difference between outside and inside the home. My recommendation in either setting is to be neutral–yelling never works. Stay calm as you try to respond to the behaviour.

Before you even get into a tantrum situation, frontload your child so they know what will happen if they behave a certain way, help them to make a good choice and above all follow through–don’t make threats that you will not follow through on.

For example, on your way to the mall, empathize with them and say, “You’re going to see all kinds of awesome toys and things you really want, but we are buying a present for your cousins, okay?” They will likely agree until you are in the store and they see something they want. This is where you will get that feeling in your stomach where you think “oh no, here we go, I really don’t want to deal with this.” Breathe through this feeling and ready yourself. Never fear the tantrum, it always makes things worse.

As things escalate, make a couple of mirroring statements: “that is such a cool toy; that’s the one you saw on TV; I get why you want it because it’s so cool.” In my book Connected Parenting, I describe how to mirror using the CALM technique. Essentially, mirroring is a therapist’s technique that helps create a safe place for the child, builds resilience and increases compliance. It is also an effective tool to help children organize and regulate their emotions.

If she still escalates, just tell her you have tried to understand, but that she cannot have the toy. Tell her to go ahead and have a fit and you will wait for her to finish. I love this technique because they will often not meltdown because you have paradoxically allowed it.

The final thing to try is what I call an intervention. Go to the mall or restaurant–not for a nice meal or to do some shopping–but for the sole purpose of leaving if they meltdown. Follow the steps above and then leave if you have to. You won’t be upset because you were prepared to leave anyway and they will learn that you mean business. You will definitely enjoy a peaceful outing next time.

You may be interested in a related post, Tantrums.

Check out this clip (scroll forward to about three minutes in) for a great example of empathy that gets Callie her job back at Seattle Grace

Tantrums…they can be exhausting, frustrating and embarrassing. Especially when they happen in public, or in front of friends and family. As parents we spend a lot of time trying to avoid and defuse them. We find ourselves walking on egg shells, or giving in to demands just to get through the day without them. But it’s why our children’s tantrums return again and again.

All kids tantrum from time to time, especially children under five. There are some common causes, tiredness, hunger, being over stimulated or overwhelmed. As parents we should try to make sure our child will have success by watching for these triggers, but it is the “I want my way” tantrums that are often the most challenging. The one where you can see it starting in the store because they want a toy, or because they don’t want to leave the party.

It is important to recognize that we can become part of the problem by providing our kids with an audience and a target for their display of emotion. They need to learn that they can soothe themselves, and that they can and will recover from whatever they’re feeling. There are some important things you can do to handle a tantrum effectively which will help your children learn this very important lesson.

Try understanding first. Always start by empathizing. This can be very de-escalating and can often stop a tantrum in its tracks.

Never give in. It is okay, as a parent, to change your mind or reevaluate your decision, but never after your child has been rolling around on the carpet in a rage. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you give in to the behaviour, you may have dodge that tantrum but you’ve guaranteed another.

Don’t be afraid of the tantrum. Be neutral and confident. Children watch us, and if they see that we are having difficulty controlling our behavior they may feel it just can’t be done. So, the more you yell, the more hysterical you’ll both become.

Disengage. Don’t work so hard. Sometimes we become part of the problem. We start negotiating, pleading, cajoling and then threatening. All of which are fuel for the tantrums fire. In a neutral way, walk a few steps away and give what I call paradoxical permission… “Go ahead get it out. Cry if you have to, but you still cannot have that toy.”

Give messages of competence. Say things like. “You will be fine, you will feel o.k. in a few minutes you’ve gotten through this before, and I know you can do it.”

Homework is one of the top five issues that constantly come up for parents and their children. The “homework meltdown” is a common event in homes, complete with tears, power struggles and yelling that can last well into the evening and carry over in the form of hurt feelings, shame and frustration.

In our busy lives, with programs, multiple commitments, video games and individual electronic devices we can become distanced from one another. It is so important to reconnect and enjoy one another more, I often find that homework battles can be an obstacle to this and an incredible stressor for parents and children. With the homework battle taking up most of the night, this scenario is repeated throughout the week.

There are educational benefits to homework such as establishing good work habits and solidifying concepts but that tends to work for students who are positive and more enthusiastic about homework. For others, homework can be a huge source of anxiety, fighting and a real battle ground that distances parents and children, and causes kids to associate stress and upset with learning. When you add in after-school activities, homework often gets crammed in later in the evening when children and tired and cranky.

As parents, our own concerns and worries about our children’s success often turns this into an explosive combination. For children who have learning disabilities, ADHD, anxiety, homework is just another time of the day where they may feel incompetent. Focusing on activities that make them happy and build self esteem, such as music, drama, sports programs, or play time, can be far more beneficial and protective. Very little is learned and retained when one is in a heightened level of stress.

Homework does not have to end in tears and fighting. It is possible to find balance and manage negative homework behavior. It is possible to work towards establishing homework time as a positive learning experience.

Homework Tips for Parents

* Stick to the your school’s guidelines on how long children should spend on homework and do no more than that (unless your child is happy and motivated to continue).

* If very little gets done, write a note to the teacher stating that homework time did not go well and this was all that is
accomplished.

* Never get in a homework battle, no one wins.

* Try to organize a homework buddy–an older child in the neighborhood who can help your child at homework time.

* Empathize with your child about how they are feeling before lecturing them on why homework is important.

* Stay neutral–sometimes kids use power struggles to avoid the work. If you are eager to oblige with an argument you will become part of the avoidance pattern.

* Be careful about negative consequences for not doing homework. If you must consequence, keep it immediate and stick to what you say, i.e. no TV that same evening.

* Try to use positive rewards for good choices and good work habits. Maybe a fun activity you can share together. This can help create good habits and change negative patterns.

* Support the teacher; try not to talk about how there is too much homework. It is important that your child see you supporting the school.