This March, we are taking a break from our regular life. My kids will leave school and I will forgo this column I write for a couple of weeks. My daytime job, that of mother/diplomat/caretaker/insane asylum out-patient, will travel with me down to sunny warm Siesta Key, Florida.

Last February, my husband took the reins for a few days so I could visit my parents in Florida by myself. It was incredibly lovely because I gladly reverted to childhood and allowed my mom and dad to look after me. They fed me, took me shopping and my dad even rescued me one morning when I’d gone running and encountered one of those torrential rainstorms for which the Sunshine state is famous.

Soon, for the first time, my two sons, Charlie, 13, and Harrison, 7, and I will be spending a week living under the same roof as my parents. In the past, my husband, sons and I have always stayed in the same complex as my mom and dad, but in a separate unit. Usually, we spend a lot of time together by the pool or at the beach, barbecuing and going out for dinner in the evenings. There have always been, however, hours in the day when we’ve gone our separate ways. My parents like to play gin rummy and nosh on their porch. My kids like to play their various electronic gadgets, fight over the TV clicker and also nosh. This holiday, all the animals will be on the same farm.

I’m worried. Not give-me-a-valium, call 911 worried, but concerned that my kids might drive my parents crazy and that my parents might drive me to nosh as well, a self-calming mechanism I use when life becomes tense.

Don’t misunderstand. My parents know my sons intimately. Charlie was their first grandchild, the one who could do no wrong. My parents spent hours simply holding him and watching him drool and sleep, mesmerized by his very existence. I think they finally realized he was an actual human being with faults when he was almost seven and his little brother came along. Charlie’s reaction to sharing the spotlight was, well, interesting. He is a kind and perceptive young man, but he often chooses to learn his lessons the hard way , along the road that sometimes leads to the principal’s office. My parents have noted his imperfections and filed them under “Who cares?” in their grandchild assessment files. For them, he will always be lovable.

Charlie calls his grandma, “my secret weapon” because she helps him out when he has parent problems. He looks up to my father, his papa, who is possibly the only person in the world from whom Charlie will take undressed criticism.

Harrison is my parents’ youngest grandchild and they are fully aware of how much effort and faith was put into my pregnancy. Harrison demanded to be born. He commands our attention. He was a hoped for but unexpected gift and his grandma and papa adore him.

But.

Sometimes, okay a lot of times, when my sons are together, I feel as if I’m standing mid-stage at an AC/DC concert with a monster truck rally as the opening act. They are loud. They are unbridled. They squabble like chickens over the last kernel of corn.

I know my boys love one another. They have a secret club. My husband and I don’t even know the password – it’s probably something like penis-breath or diarrhea- rain. When they wrestle, Charlie keeps one hand poised behind Harrison’s head ready to protect him from smashing it on the floor. Charlie isn’t even consciously aware of doing this. It is clear fraternal instinct. But, he also gets a thrill out of revving his brother up into intense crying and shouting extravaganzas. He does it quietly. I call him, “gar” which is a type of needlefish that lurks in the shadows until it quietly spears innocent fish swimming by.

Harrison is only seven, emulates his older brother, and is extremely susceptible to Charlie’s manipulations. When Harrison becomes excited or upset, his voice reminds me of what would happen if Elmo drank a gallon of Red Bull.

I am stressed about this trip because we will be living in close quarters. For my father, this is a working vacation and he will spend half of every day using his computer somewhere in our rented two bedroom condo. I am nervous that my children’s behavior will test even the unconditional, unwavering love of their grandparents. Frankly, I am worried that my alleged holiday will become a referee’s nightmare.

As mother and daughter, I am the bridge between these two generations, afraid my role will be more like that of a customs official, constantly checking the travelers for contraband in the form of moods or misbehavior.

The other day, I shared my concerns with Charlie. He regarded me as if I was missing a link. “Don’t worry, Mom. Harrison and I are so happy to be on this trip and live with Grandma and Papa. We’ll be fine.”

My father reiterated my eldest son’s optimism. “Sweetheart, if the boys get too loud, I will simply ask them to shut up”, he said, a smile in his voice.

I have been “catastrophizing” the future instead of looking forward to it like the other smarter members of my family. How fortunate that my kids and I get to be nurtured by parents and grandparents for a week. We will build on the riverbank of memories already created in our favourite vacation destination. And, my parents are fortunate that they get to spend an extended period of time with their grandsons, at ease with the intimacies performed in any close family.

Maybe, nobody needs me to be a bridge after all because everyone has already arrived. Maybe, all that is required is a pack of playing cards, some suntan lotion and a never-ending supply of iced tea and love.

Stay tuned . . .

This week at Kolari’s Corner on InfoMommy, Jennifer Kolari answers a reader’s question about managing the holidays with in-laws who disagree with her about how to handle her children and who do things she doesn’t like.

Jennifer advises the reader to depersonalize her in-laws’ behavior, recognizing that it likely has nothing to do with her. This will make it easier to enjoy the holidays. Jennifer also recommends that the reader prepare her children ahead of time so that they know her expectations and realize that even if things are done a little differently by her in-laws, the rules at home remain unchanged. Finally, Jennifer suggests that the reader enlist the help of her husband and in-laws to make the holidays go as smoothly as possible.

Read Jennifer’s full answer or check out her other advice at Kolari’s Corner.

[Originally posted at Just the Facts, Baby.]

I promised I would deal with really difficult in-laws, so here we go. This one is not easy. Having a tense relationship with your in-laws can be stressful and can cause major friction between you and your spouse. One of my dear friends refers to her in-laws as her “out-laws” (sometimes all you can do is try to find the humour in a bad situation). The truth is, some grandparents just do not know the first thing about boundaries and they have no idea when to say something–and more importantly, when not to. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, consider yourself blessed. If you don’t…take a breath and read on.

First, really go inward and make sure you’re honestly evaluating your role in the situation. Own any behavior you think may be contributing to the situation and do your best to change it. You don’t even have to tell anyone else, you just need to be honest with yourself.

Next, talk to your partner about your feelings, but remember that no matter how unreasonable your in-laws are being, they are still his parents and criticisms about them can be hard for him to hear. This can lead to fights where both of you sling “yeah, but your parents do this and your mother does that’s” at each other. Make sure to acknowledge his feelings, then let him know that you must be a team on this and that together you need to establish boundaries with your in-laws.

Now it’s time to talk to your in-laws. It’s important this is experienced as a communication, not an attack. I teach parents a technique called mirroring, which works beautifully on kids, but here’s a secret – it works equally well on husbands, parents, and in-laws! Try saying something like, “You have raised a family and have more experience than I do. I also know how much you love your grandchildren. But we are parents now, and we need to figure out how to be the best mother and father we can be, our own way,” which will firmly remind them that this is the way you and your husband do things.

If your in-laws persist and it gets ugly, try to be strong, but stay neutral. As soon as you get defensive or start yelling, they will not reflect on their own behavior and will instead become obsessed with yours. Make your point calmly and concisely, then move on. Don’t get sucked back into the argument. Let them know that you have made your point and heard theirs, but you are moving on. Feelings might be a little hurt for a while, but you will have set an important boundary.

If the relationship becomes unbearable, agree with your spouse to be present for portions of visits, then be busy doing something else. It is important not to cut them off completely–that is hard on the relationship with your spouse and may deprive the kids of valuable grandparent time. You have to make some appearances and be there for important events, but can agree with your spouse to be absent from others.

Remember to take the higher ground–if they are really that difficult, there is probably nothing you can do to change them or to help them gain any insight into their own behavior. In other words, it probably has much more to do with them than you. This will help you to not take it so personally and to treasure the positive supportive relationships you do have in your life.